Fear of Death....

Last night, I had awoken to use the bathroom and then returned to my warm and cozy bed, next to my hubby.

But as I lay there I thought I kept hearing noises of some sort. I wasn't sure.

You see, I am deaf in one ear and have only a certain percentage hearing in the 'good' ear. So I am not on equal footing when it comes to hearing things creeping in the night.

I tend to sleep on my 'good' ear most of the time, I guess mainly because that side is the most comfortable to sleep on.

But there are times I will intentionally sleep on my bad ear so that I can hear what's going on or what I think is something not good.

What I have determined, last night, is that I am not afraid of death or of dying per se. But because my hearing is not on equal standing, I think I tend to 'hear' things that are not there. I know this to be true because there have been times I've asked my hubby if the phone is ringing or what was that noise in the distance or what was that noise period. Most of the time it was nothing. So of course that is quite annoying but unfortunately the way things are in my hearing world.

I finally determined that my fear in terms of death is really about dying a horrible and savagely beatened death. Usually being an intruder who enters our home while we are asleep. But to die in a car accident or in a plane doesn't disturb me like a death by the hands of an intruder, a killer.

I don't know why this is exactly except to say that if I had better hearing. I guess I would hope to be able to detect the intruder before they had a chance to get to us.

So, unfortunately, there are some nights that it takes me some time to get back to sleep, especially once I think I've heard something.

I prayed and closed my eyes to take us whenever and however. We will have lived our lives as best as we could with the time we've had. What more could we ask for. I also prayed that in death, if by the hands of a killer, that we would be taken together.