The Reality...

Posted by: kimthanh

This is what AIDS has done to this child, and like so many in Africa it is invading at an extraordinary rate that there will so many more who die because we (me, you, us, them) could not save them in time.

Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles all affected in ways that is punishable only by death. Particularly for those in rural areas of Africa, where water, food, electricity and trained, medical personnel and ARV's are all but available to these most unfortunate people.

AIDS is slowly gaining success in the larger regions of Africa and that is wonderful news, but it will be years before it can reach truly all that are in need of the drugs to help delay the speed of which one dies and perhaps remain alive if treated early on, the food that is necessary to take along with the much needed medication.

If we look back at the America's history when HIV/AIDS first came on the scene of our society, we were much in denial, it was considered a plague to most, it was the 'others' issue, it was a gay person's issue, it then became a matter on the American conscience. Then money and support came at a very rapid rate, once it was better understood. But we've had an immense advantage over those countries who are and have been struggling with HIV/AIDS for many years already. In many of these countries, much of the spread of HIV/AIDS has affected much of the rural areas, where medical and food and supplies are difficult to attain due to conditions of poverty and resources. In America, the land of milk and honey, as Mrs. Malunga stated in a letter to our two friends, D and C, that we have had a wealth of resources to find ways to fight this horrible disease. Unlike much of the rest of the world.

So, it is not fair to say that Africans, East indians, Spaniards, Haitians deserve what they got, HIV/AIDS. Because if that is what it is all about, America also truly got what it deserved, but to say that is like omitting the rest of the world. Because as humanity, we have all made some horrible decisions that have caused a world-wide epidemic and continue to make decisions that cost lives, not only our own. But unlike America, the other nations have little or no resources to receive and deal with the crisis at hand. So, why aren't more Americans concerned and doing mored to help these nations in this pandemic? I believe we are afraid. We are more concerned with our own lives, and also believe that many Americans feel that these other nations need to take care of their own. But then you ask the question of HOW? How are they to do that? Why can't America and the other wealthy nations help also? Go beyond the initial giving of our dollars? Why not lend our expertise, our connections with pharmaceutical companies, our status, our power?

The G8 was a great starter, but I think it seems like it maybe running out of steam. Perhaps it's not so much the people, as it is the enormity of the task ahead currently and the future. But I think it also has to do with the political games that end up being played for some damn reason or another. Why can't it be more simpler than we make it out to be?
Getting help that is and putting the money where it was stated it would be designated? What is so difficult about it? Is there really that much corruption within the wealthy nations that we are all unable to do the right thing and proportion the money where it need go? And the legal system be led without a hitch? Is it truly that impossible? I just don't understand. Perhaps I am naive. It wouldn't be the first time, nor the last. But more than anything, I think I am just too idealistic for the matters of the world. Me and thousands of others, I'm sure.

I am doing what I can, by getting truly involved in the cause of Africa, but hope not to end there most certainly, but include Vietnam, India, Haiti, Brazil, etc. It just can't stop with the last destination, because there will always be others in need of something. And as long as I have breath and passion for others, I want so much to be used in these lives in whatever way possible that I can.

I don't want to be simply a donator of my dollars, I want to envelope myself within all of these peoples I have spoken of. Until I take my last breath...

Water within Poverty...photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

I remember when I took this photo. Bola Moyo's Board had taken a break from a morning of meeting and took time out for the park.

We were all just sitting around, talking and enjoying one another.

And this view caught my eyes as I was basking in the warm sun.

It almost seemed indictative seeing the sweating cup of water (that was given freely to me, and refills would have been abundant if we had remained in the local coffee shop) alongside the background image of the book on ending poverty.

I know sometimes we can get so caught up in what we have and what others do not, and I beleive it is a healthy view to keep in mind and not be used in a manner that depicts or points out the very situation. But like Paul Farmer, when not working in Haiti, be it Paris or London, he too would dine in expensive restaurants, as well as drinking a very expensive bottle of wine. But as in the book, Paul states that he too enjoys the finer things in life. It is not sin to nor even wrong to enjoy those things that have been given to us abundantly. But it is when we we take for granted the needs of others whether in our own town or across the world, that we are then guilty of not being conscious of other's economical situations.

Though this picture paints a thousand or more words in many eyes, it is disheartening to me to know that we have such conditions that still exist in this vast world. That with the shere number of bright, educated, resourceful people, governments and political systems, that we would have enough to go around to all persons of this world. But that is not the reality of things. And what a poor bastard of a society we are that we can let others live in such squalor and in want with out blinking an eye.

I've wondered what I would do if I had all the money in the world to provide, to supply as the demand is needed and to continue reproducing those things that are working and improve on those that aren't.

I've learned that to have that kind of money, one would need to continue to find ways for it to make itself increase more over so that the giving would never be just a one time gift, but an ongoing system of providing when and where needed.

I look forward to working in our area of passion with Bola Moyo. To know that my heart desires to see the people of Malawi live a better and more purposeful life, and to see the future, the children, become who they are meant to be in their homes, their village, their country, and what more they will be able to do for their country given the chance to live, to eat, to produce gardens necessary for food and taking their medicines.

How I dream about the day when Michael and I will see with our own eyes the people of Malawi, and what they are doing and can do to help their own.

For Bola Moyo to simply have the means to help them, be it in every aspect of their needs, is flabbergasting to me but also thriling to know that we will have supporters who also hear, see and feel our passion for the people of Malawi and we can in taking this journey together will be amazing.


Take a look at WWW.ONE.ORG
"WE BELIEVE that in the best American tradition of helping others help themselves, now is the time to join with other countries in a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world overcome AIDS and extreme poverty. WE RECOGNIZE that a pact including such measures as fair trade, debt relief, fighting corruption and directing additional resources for basic needs' education, health, clean water, food, and care for orphans' would transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries, at a cost equal to just one percent more of the US budget. WE COMMIT ourselves - one person, one voice, one vote at a time - to make a better, safer world for all."

Swearing To No End...

Well, I have noticed a trend in my writings lately and that is the use of profanity, swear words, four-letter words, words my parents told me never to say, words that i actually do not like, myself. Okay, maybe there is just one word that is: SHIT. That is truly the only word I use in the more surprising situations or emotional undoing.

But for some reason, with the liberation from the church life, though not from god, I have apparently given myself permission to swear like there is no tomorrow, particulalry when it comes to writing. I am even more so daring in my writing than in talk. But occasionally some of those cuss words that I detest do come spewing out of this ol' mouth.

So, I have resolved to just using the four-letter words only when really necessary or when needing to be emphatic about something or an event, etc.

I'll admit, to swear so easily is fun and releases some amount of endorphins that just don't seemed to get used in any other way.

But then I was remembering that I used to play tennis competatively and that WAS my release. I could be as angry or frustrated about whatever and somehow hitting that little Wilson tennis ball somehow made things better. But since I am physically limited, I don't have that kind of outlet any longer.

This summer, swimming laps seemed to be the next best thing to my tennis days. But the local pools closed for the season so that ended that.

Anyways, I'm just babbling on but I needed to address myself on this matter so that I need not be someone that I am not-a swearing sailor. Is swearing sailor right? Or do I have my sayings turned around and completely mixed up? Probably the latter. Oh well, maybe I'll figure it out one of these days.

Taking The Higher Road...

If I have learned anything in my life, is that deciding to take the Higher Road when dealing with sticky situations, is NEVER easy, and some times just down right SHITTY!

The biblical saying of turn the other cheek sucks too, but it is true. Taking the higher road is also true and as I have found, to be very necessary.

I don't remember learning this in kindergarten, which would have been a great thing to know and do between then and the rest of one's life. But for whatever reason it was not quite as an important subject as learning one's ABCs or playing well with others. But it seems it sure would have helped in learning how to play with others if this specific lesson could have been learned. Oh well...

But the many times I have had to AND chosen to...taking the higher road...is so that there could peace in my chaotic life, peace within my soul that I was doing the right thing, peace in knowing that the situation could then take the next smaller steps it needed in being resolved, and then peace in knowing that god called me to make amends even when I didn't/don't want to or would rather had chosen an alternate route or completely ignored the damn situation.

But it also seems, to me anyways, that in having taken the higher road, it has also caused some great amount of my pride to be extinguished and shaken up so that the other side would be appeased. And I know this is part of remaining with god and his promise for my life. To heed one's selfish soul by bowing down, literally, one's self in the presence of the other(s) so that they see that I have relinquished any prideful absurdity and ill thoughts and feelings toward them or the situation. Man! This pride thing is really crappy in any one's life and to be able to literally bow down and relinquish that position, even in the presence of god, for me it remains to be a step in the right direction. No matter how much it hurts in the process of doing it.

Honestly, I can say that there have been a few minor times where I have chosen to take the higher road, not out of some self-righteous position, but because I just couldn't stand it anymore. The situations just deemed themselves so outrageous that it made no more sense than putting a gun to one's head. But still I did it, and still see it as that's just what I did no real reason per se.

But all the other times I have literally made the conscious choice to take the higher road because it made sense and it rang true with my idea of god's meaning for my life. To lay down one's life of pride so that the other could be made higher and sheltered from the harsh wind and rain. Though to say I've done it for this reason, does not discount the emotional side effects that come with doing so. There is/are still times when those feelings of wanting to be selfish and not have done it at all come into play, or it has brought up a sense of unfairness (sometimes great) that comes with the 'rights to my life', or it has the ill side effects that linger because the situation has not been fully settled, or the attachments of why the other person(s) couldn't see that I had done this for them (for us/situation) so that we then can move on. So, as one can see...taking the higher road is not always what it is cracked up to be. But I know from my experiences, that I would not be willing to go back in time and make changes to those situations, because in doing so would only have held me back from becoming the person that god has called me to be and desires me to become.

If I had chosen not to take the higher road:
- I would still have a very difficult relationship with my mom
- I would have very few close friends, thus very few real friends, but lots of acquaintenances only
- My marriage would not have lasted as long or as well as it has
- I would be a very angry person with no interest in resolution(s)
- I would be compromisng who god called me to be
- I would have remained just as controlling, just as manipulative and unwilling to allow others to be forthcoming
- I would probably would have held on to my resentments, my selfhishness, and my uselessness for others

I'm sure there is so much more that would have prevented me from growing, maturing, understanding and letting go that which I never had any control of in the first place.

I am thankful that I, yet again, learned a huge and valuable lesson in life. Sometimes I lose sight of this-that I am still an evolving creature-and thus each new lesson(s) learned and put into action only allows for greater understanding of myself, my past, future and those that come in and out of my life.

I thank god for seeing these things in me, through his eyes. Cause sometimes the only things I see in my eyes are self-deprecating images of what I don't want to be or already am.

Thank you god for helping me become who I am suppose to be becoming.

"There is Always Tomorrow"

I'm feeling like the Grinch this morning. Not because I hate christmas, actually just the opposite. Or could my feelings be more of Oscar the Grouch? Hmmm.... Perhaps. Anyways, I know we have these sayings through out our language about how tomorrow will be a better day or there is always a tomorrow or the sun will come out tomorrow or why isn't tomorrow here today dag nag it!

It's these polite little jingles, sayings and annoyances that make you wonder if people really believe this kind of crap. Ugh, I've even found mysefl saying it a few times. But tomorrow is here today and today I still feel like crap from yesterday, though I was hoping to feel better since tomorrow was coming to bring sun out and today would be a better day than yesterday though today is not fairing any better than yesterday yet tomorrow is just another day and that there is always tomorrow to feel better though you hate feeling crappy today so you only wish for tomorrow to get here so the sun would come out to lighten up the sorrows of today but will not be until tomorrow that it will happen, which is still another day away. DANG! This life is just too damn complicated for this very simplistic being.

I hate carrying over these down feelings from the day before. It's just festering in me and I need to get it out but it is dependant on another unfortunately.

So, in the meantime, I will just smile and sing and shout and hope the sun will come out tomorrow, and that tomorrow will be another day and that tomorrow will also be a better day than today or yesterday. It's just gotta. EESH!

Simply Make Me Melt...Twice Over

Posted by: kimthanh

Again, the smiles of these amazing little creatures are the music to my sorrowful days.

Thank you god for putting simple moments like these in my crummy of a day path.

So appreciative.

Simply Make Me Melt...Once Over

Posted by: kimthanh

Okay, so I am having a sucky day but then I think of my nephews and all of it almost melts away.....

Thanks Big D and Little D:

I had fun with you this last weekend. And I love you!!

Thank you for brightening my day with your sweetness and your childlike ways.

Love, Auntie Kim

Realization of Ones Own Growth

Today, as difficult of a day as it became, I had a realization of my own personal growth. This was a great revelation amidst the emotional and hard conversation I had to day with some one close to me.

To another it may mean nothing but to me it was a reminder of how often times we continue to struggle over the same things over and over and then one day you realize that that place of stumbling has some how corrected itself in a positive way. Mind you it did come from a lot of hard work and struggling before it was resolved. Though it would have been nice if it had happened overnight. But that would not have been my fate. It never is. I'm always one that god feels I need to work through EVERY dang issue - unlike some folks I know. They get what they want regardless....Blah Blah Blah

Amazing.

It sucked that it had to come at a time when I was talking with this friend. But then again maybe that is when it needed to shine through so that I could see for myself that I am STILL an evolving creature, truly.

To look at me now one and many have said 'I would never have seen you as controlling." Others may beg to differ. And to those who called me on it, I honestly thanked them from the bottom of my heart and have done so to two specific people in my life who were willing to challenge me in this area of personal havoc.

Before, I always hated the words controlling, perfectionist, manipulative, difficult, and one who has great expections of self and others. But apparently these were just some of the words that were described to me, of me. OUCH! Now that I hear these same words, some still ring true, it's just not as harsh sounding nor is it as painful. Now most of those words used to describe me but don't anymore. BUT it has been a long and tough road for me to get out from underneath them. Particularly controlling and manipulative. Now I see perfectionist just as a minor flaw of myself and difficult, dealing more in the realm of my likes and dislikes of foods, not people and how they do this or that and whether it was done my way or not at all. And in terms of expectations of myself (getting better) and of others (definitely a hell of a lot better).

So, now that you've read this far, and this sucks I know, the buck stops here somehow. SO, I had just finished typing it all out and then hit the wrong friggin key, and with blogger, you have to at least save it as a draft BEFORE navigating anywhere else on your site, etc. So, I begin once again to rewrite the last half of this blog, because I had been 'smart' enough to save before continuing to write again. Well, if that darn ol 'frog didn't catch that pesky fly surrounding him, I don't know what did and gone ate my rewritten version, and so other than a second moment of idiotic memory lapse thar she goes again. POOF! Gone in an instant, no way to be retrieved. Friggin pesky fly!. So, I decided to give it up for the nite and just write if off saying, FORGET ABOUT IT! Apparently it wasn't as important or heart-felt or curable as I first thought for myself. And god didn't want to see another clamor of written words posted on this site. So that's just the way the friggin cookie crumbles on a heavy heart in chico.

Signing off!

It's True, We Are Moving!

Posted by: kimthanh

Wow! It's really become a reality. We are moving to Portland, Oregon.

We are helping to start up a non-profit with our friends, Dustin and Cara called Bola Moyo (bowl-la moy-yo). it literally means "Better Life" which is what we are striving to give to the people of Malawi, Africa, particularly the children who are the future of their country.
We are thrilled to be doing this non-profit alongside Dustin and Cara, and look forward to seeing the harvest of our hard work as time goes by. But for now we are working on getting things together for the benefit concert that will be our fundraiser for folks in the Bay Area and Southern California. It's going to be interesting, a learning experience and I'm sure beneficial in so many ways.
But until then Michael and I have a lot to take care of like finding a renter for our house, packing, keep working on work and Bola Moyo stuff, visit families and friends, etc. Whew! It's going to be a hairy few months for us! So, by the looks of our schedule, it looks like we will be moving up some time in mid-late October. So, yea, I guess the reality of this move for us has really come to mind. It's going to be fantastic, fun and exciting, yet difficult to leave family and friends behind. It's always hard to be the ones saying goodbye because others feel you are leaving them behind. And then when it comes time to visit everyone, it gets to be a bit tricky. But with Bola Moyo's flexible schedule, we should be able to take enough time off to see everyone! Let's hope so!
As far as money, income. we still don't know what will come of that but we know that we will be taken care of somehow, some way. We will be looking for part-time jobs when we finally settle into Portland.

Here we go...we just never wanted to say we 'should have' or 'what if' that is why we are taking this time in our lives to do what we are both passion about - loving others.

Missing Out : photo by andy van den eynde

Posted by: kimthanh

As I was sitting in our arm chair, I was enjoying the scene playing before me. Michael was helping our 12 yr old cousin, Alea, with her homework in math.

First off, Michael enjoys math and all of its abstract notions. I detest it with a vengeance. Secondly, I was enjoying the way the two were interacting wtih one another and the way Alea was comfortable snuggled up next to him, while he explained in the simplest terms of the particular math problems. Thirdly, Michael has such patience and a way of explaining things in more than one way no matter the subject matter. And lastly, to see him so naturally and calmly helping Alea, explaining away, and patiently waiting until she seemed to be getting it just brought to mind a twinge of pain to me, while at the same time enjoying what I was observing.

The remembered pain was the knowledge that we have yet to have children of any age, in any form. It's painful as I know how wonderful a father, a dad, a parent and a member of the married team Michael would be in raising, caring for and teaching what children we hoped to have had. It just kills me to see the emptiness within each of us in this area. It was difficult for me because I haven't had this pain come up in quite awhile until just the other day.

It hurt, it was a reminder, causes me to wonder if we ever will be given a child of our own, at this point, whether through the fostering system or through adoption. I wasn't as angry about it as I have been in the past, and that's growth for me. But the pain is still not far below the surface and becomes easily raw.

I pray and hope for a child(ren) for us, but also know that we are on a path toward new adventures due to our passions, and in what god is calling us to be doing, with our lives, at this time. For this we will continue to follow through and find joy and peace through it all, but I don't know if we will ever get beyond the desires nor the immense passion to have one of our very own.

I just feel like we've been missing out on the joys of parenthood and the parenthood circle that one automatically becomes a member of, by the presence of a child, in ones household. It really SUCKS!!!

All I know so far is that it could still be a possibility in our life time to have this amazing experience. But I do wonder if it will ever really be granted to us. I continue to pray about this out of a sense of selfishness so that my desire will be continuously heard, assuming god doesn't already know of this desire in us. BUT it seems it can't hurt to keep voicing it no matter.

I continue to believe that part of our passions for our adventures also contains the work of helping, meeting with, holding, caring for and lovingly embracing children in what ever way we can that will somehow help fulfill that voided area. And to believe with that it will be enough for now.

But I don't know that we will ever not get over the feeling of missing out on the privileged experience of having ones own child.

Aching heart your fears are valid
Aching couple your desires have been heard

Do as you are asked to do and I will grant you with my ultimate joy and peace
It may not look like what you had in mind, but bear with me as I continue to work in you both

Your hearts will be enflamed with children from many worlds, many places and backgrounds
Your hearts will take hold of such faces, such conditions that will feel like they are your own

These children are your own, in a way that you will forever change the path of their lives
These children are your own, in a way that will fulfill you like no other

Continue to wait for me
Continue to follow me
Continue to have faith in me
Continue on the path I have called you to and you will be given your hearts' desires

Know it's my timing, not yours
Know I relish you both in ways that make me proud
Know that I have plans for you and the ones that you love, whether they are yours or anothers'

I'm listening
I'm here
I'm all that you need

Simple Beauty: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

This photo was taken off of Hwy 70 toward Quincey on one of Don, Michael's and my adventures in driving and photo shoots.

I love the simplicity and how imperfect this photo is to anyone viewing it.

I could have waited more patiently until the moth completely spread its wings and rested on the rock, but it seemed too silly to me to wait, when I realized how fast life passes us by. Meaning, to wait and get the perfect position for the picture is like waiting for the right time for various things in life, when even a mere split second can have as much beauty, meaning and memories as waiting for just the right timing.

Simply enjoying one second to the next can add up to a hell of a lot of amazing treasures and stories to tell to one another and in the future.

Simple beauty is truly something to relish in this chaotic and dysfunctional world.

This picture is not worth a thousand words...photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

It is simply one word - FRIENDSHIP - in the best possible sense.

We Love You, Don!

The Three Peas In A Pod...self portrait

Posted by: kimthanh

Our vapors have surfaced among one another though the deepest emotions still remain unspoken.

The years have been kind to each of us as laughter, always food, fun, techie talk and ages have consumed our time and our hearts together.

Ritual, spontaneity, celebrations, families, and history and god have brought us not by chance but many reasons, too many to tell.

We danced, we've traveled, we've had adventures and misadventures, many a late night dinners, many hours talking together, many years together and apart.

We just came back together over five years ago and now we are parting once again.

Parting is such sweet sorrow when I think of the kind of brother, and amazing friend that we, Michael and I have been blessed with, in our friendship with Donny, Donald, and just plain Don.

The sorrow is forever deep, but the love and comfort of our endearing love for one another remains infinite.

We have new adventures, new misadventures and new things to explore and experience together as the years continue to be kind to us.

Our brother, Don, whom we so love and will surely miss our regular dinners together and our hanging out time.

But all is not lost nor forgotten when our friendship is as deep as it is.

We love you, Don!!!!

Thank you for loving us the way you always have.

Tampon run to seeing you live through one of the hardests and most difficult phases of your life-your illness.

Nothing will separate the three of us peas in a pod!!!

With the Greatest of Love to you- our brother, our friend!

Kim and Michael

A Good Winker: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

Big D was showing me how good a winker he was and wanted me to take a photo of it.

It's been so much fun to see Big D growing up and showing me and the rest of our family all of his little and big antics, his amazing talents, his sweetness and his sharp little mind.

But now if only we could get him to actually sleep come naptime like Little D, his brother.

But I think he's always got too much going on in his mind to settle in for sleep time. I think he'd rather be talking incessantly, asking his curious questions and giving his advice in the little life he has lived so far.

I so love ALL of my nieces and nephews. They certainly make my world a lot whole more interesting and wonderful!

Love This Photo: self portrait

Posted by: kimthanh

This picture was taken just before Michael and I were to head back home to Chico and the 8 hr drive.

I love these kinds of pictures, impromptru and just plain fun.

We always have fun with Dustin and Cara whenever we get together. They are just interesting, caring, funny and creative folks we call close friends.

So, to capture a moment in time is a splendid thing in life.

Portland or bust!

The One and Only Voodoo Donuts: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

When Michael and I went to Portland for the first time, we had been told about The infamous Voodoo Donuts. We had been told in detail about all of their varied topped and shaped donuts. Sounded like somewhere I needed to see for myself. But that trip didn't allow for a visit there.

But this second trip, we did make it! Not that we really were hungry for one, after the amazing Orange Tofu dinner we had at John and Katies, just hours before. But since it was a place to at least experience, those new to Portland, we decided to venture on downtown and enjoy ourselves a bit of Portland history.

The picture says it all that we enjoyed ourselves. They even had vegan donuts. Go figure...

I won't take the fun out of experiencing the Voodoo Donuts, so I will just end here.

But when in Portland, take a visit to the Voodoo Donuts, and go at night. It just seems to add to the overall experience, as well as the lines that will be out the door and down the block.

Scattered Brain

Do you ever feel like you live in another world, outside of your own head?

Getting older is causing me to be a slower thinker, forgetful, difficult remembering little and big things and details of stories, and realizing it will only get worse from here on out.

I'm not bitter, I'm just saying... :-)

Michael and I have had some great laughs of late, as we have both tried to recount a situation we were both in and realized we had no idea where, when or with whom. It was pretty hilarious. We decided the older we get the better off we will be because neither of us will remember the same detail of the story nor will even be talking about the same story when mentioned to others. Meaning he may be talking about chicken which he ate with our friend, Don and I will be thinking about chicken that we had in New York. So, we determined we will not be like many older couples, or even young couples, who interject or argue about the details of the story being told. We will just be so agreeable and but with a different story in each of our minds.

Getting older with Michael will be fun for sure!

We have both been scattered brain as of late due to much going on in our lives and thinking of our future.

It's enough to make one almost lose ones' mind, really.

I kind of feel like the kid of Johnny Depps' Willie Wonka when he would say, "MUMBLER! I can't understand a word you're staying, heh!"

No one will be able to understand me as I get older... Oh my!

Testing to See if this works...video by kim

So, on our second trip to Portland, Oregon we had a blast as usual.
I forget to use the videoing on our digital camera but couldn't miss Hans having a good time with Dusty.

So here it goes...hope it works

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Continued Education

I just woke up, fed our cat, opened up the house so it could hopefully stay just a little cooler, as the day gets progressively hotter. And while going to the bathroom, my mind is whirling and twirling with with thoughts galore. So what is it my minding is trying to work out this morning? Well, it's not quite as simple as that to be truthful, but I will give you jut one isolated thought.

Since my "job" these days per my Michael is to get well, meaning take my meds, take all the naps I need, rest up, don't exert mysell too much, do my physical therapy exercises, etc. It has left me with an ideal amount of time to do one thing that I love, reading. So the selfish person that I am is taking full advantage of this time to read up all that I can. And there is no guilt involved, well maybe some but I have been told to not worry about it, so I try not to worry about it and read on.

I love how there are different kinds of book lovers, as there should be. The way I was created speaks to the desire for reality in things, life, people, adventures. This is not to say that I don't enjoy fiction books. I've read mostly the 'classics' as I know they are safe readings. I am not a Sci Fi, Romance, Midevil Fantasy kind of reader. Although I'm sure I have missed out on some great books, but I'd rather waste my time with others. When it comes to fiction I have such a hard time reading it because I want what I am reading to be true, an actual event or person, time or situation to have actually happened in this life time. And then as I'm reading, I begin to wonder if it has happened or if the people are real, etc and then I just freak myself out and not enjoy the rest of the book. I'm weird, I know.

The other aspect of reading non-fiction, biographies, autobiographies, memoirs, and period pieces is that I love how I am always learning something new about our world. There is so much history that I have learned through reading these books, that I never learned or was taught in school. This just excites me to no end! Let me insert here before I get a berauge of comments from fiction readers. I have read numerous fiction that were based on a historical event or time period and yes, I did learn a little something there. But to me reading the rest of the story as something that some one imagined, with a historical background, just doesn't work for me. But I'm glad it works for many, many people. As there are quite a lot of writers able to make a living doing this. Good for them!

But as for me, I feel as though I am continuing my education as I read one book, finish and pick up another. The lives I read about, the historical events that have taken place since the begining of time, the ability to see myself in the people I read about, and how it relates so closely to some of my experiences, my emotions. And then to be taken to places, on adventures, and into the very lives of people throughout this world, I am able to travel, to experience and to figuratively live out what others have already experienced. This just fascinates me to no end. I've figuratively experienced Iran, Tehran, India, Haiti, Russia, China, Vietnam, Thailand, Cuba, USA, Pakistan, Africa. And there is still so much more to learn out there. So I am definitely taking full advantage of this down time so that I can continue to learn something new everyday through reading. And I do.

I am so thankful for the freedom to read, be educated, to experience what others have in their lives, to freely enter our local library and partake of it's generosity of wall to wall books, magazines, movies, and more.

I am so very thankful to be a woman AND have the freedom to be educated period.

Through my readings, I have continued to appreciate what my life was, what my life is, what it continues to be, and what it will be in the future. I have continued to gain and appreciate my freedom in all things.

I do not and cannot take for granted my freedom to have the time to get well, to not have to work at this time, to take my mind and heart to other places and in to others' lives. I do not take for granted that I have been given the freedom to educate myself and others.

I am thrilled that I am a lover of reading.

I hope you too will become one, if you are not one already.

Faithless Heart

I was laying in bed last night thinking about how sometimes our hearts can be unfaithful. Unfaithful to another person, unfaithful to our spouse or significant other, unfaithful to our best intentions, unfaithful in the workplace, unfaithful to what we desire most in life.

These are just simple thoughts with no answers. But I was wondering how we, as affectionate and caring beings, are able to forego those intentions for something that leads to unfaithfulness? I suppose the unfaithfulness allows for a sense of non-commitment, a release from our current or future responsibilities, a quick answer to another's lack of understanding, caring, or acknowledgment to/of us. A faithless heart it seems speaks to the inner core of ourselves where we desire not the reality of our situations or of another.

I was thinking in terms of our state of world affairs. The London bombings were just as unexpected as the 9/11 without as many deaths just yet, but then because it's across the globe, there appears to be no outcry among the American people, as a whole, no letters in the newspaper, no radio stations with folks discussing the outrageousness of this monstrosity, etc.

All of it is spoken through the voices of the authoritative folks who speak in the language that distances one another to the reality of the attacks. It speaks almost in a third person form that allows for no real relation to any one person or folks in America. Except perhaps those who had friends, family that lived in London and were commuting during those hours.

How unfaithful we are as Americans to other's plights, unless it happens directly to us and then we are as outspoken and angry and ready to wage war against the other.

I am not saying every person in America doesn't care but it sure seems awfully quiet since the bombings. The American voice is quiet perhaps because the bombings took place elsewhere or quiet because we are glad it didn't happen o us again? I am pretty confident it is both.

America, the land of plenty, gluttony and power can rise above and out of our own unfaithfulness when it calls for it, from our own people. BUT what about faithfulness toward others. If the bombing had been at preschools or attacked at schools with children, then I believe the American people would be in an outcry over what happened, but because it did not occur to the children, and thank god for that, it is pretty damn quiet.

Our faithfulness is so much guided by what we give attention to. But our faithlessness is even more guided by our very intentions and selfish desires that pain not only themselves, eventually, but everything that comes between or within the circle of the that faithlessness.

How are you being unfaithful?

Shalom,

Kim