Oh, To Be Mother Teresa...photo by AP

For as long as I can remember, I have always admired, called her one of my heros and have wanted to be her in some form or another. Even if only to be her sidekick, like Lucy and Ethel but doing good for others.

I've had dreams of working along side her in many capacities in which she spoke little to me but smiled that brought an understanding to me that I was where I was supposed to be, near her side, helping her in the work she was called to do, working with the poor.

I have dreamt that dream many a times, and awoke sad that is wasn't true.

I would be wearing a simple beige, heavy cotton sack, with a simple, brown belt, loosely tied about my waist, and simple sandals that could have looked like what Jesus would have worn on his many journeys.

My hair was cut short, as to not get in the way of my work, nor to show any sort of vanity.

And I would pray daily with the other sisters of the order and then be on my way to meet Mother Teresa, where ever she had spoken me to meet her the day prior.

Oh, to awake and realize it was just a dream, albeit a mighty dream, that would never come true. But I recall how I felt, how things smelled and how I adored what I was doing, working with the poorest of the poor, along side the greatest and humblest woman on earth.

How fortunate was I!

Perhaps parts of the dream could come true someday. And I do hopes so somehow. I would love to be working in India, among the poorest of the poor, holding on to, rocking and caring for those who have nothing but their very souls.

Oh, to be embracing and living among the lepers would have been a dream come true.

And to pray over and for all of those very souls that they would find peace and joy in their situation.

Oh, to be a saint like Mother Teresa would be a dream come true.

Sainthood in the depth of working hands on, not as far as position of my soul.

Thank you, Mother Teresa, for setting such an incredible example of who we are called to be, workers of jesus and the voice of those who have no voice.

I hope to meet you truly in heaven one day....

A Letter Of Plea From Mother Teresa...photo by AP

This letter that Mother Teresa wrote was to President George Bush and Saddam Hussein in the hopes of dissuading them from going to war. Obviously, her letter didn't have the desired affect.

"I write to you with tears in my eyes and with the love of God in my heart, to beg you on behalf of the poor and on behalf of those who will end up being poor in the event that the war which threatens us is unchained.

I beg you with all my heart that you spare no efforts in favor of the peace of God and to reconcile yourselves with one another.

Each one of you has concerns enough and citizens enough to keep you busy, but first begin by hearing the One who came to the world to teach us peace.

You have the capacity and force to destroy the presence and image of God, in his men, in his women, and in his children.

Listen, please, to the voice of God.

God has created us to love each other with his love and not to destroy ourselves with our hates."

This letter was taken from Mother Teresa - Her Life, Her Work, Her Message - A Memoir by Jose Gonzalez-Balado

Hope Is Present In The Quiet Of The African Night...poem by kim

The wisp of the netting contains one in it's sheath, providing protection from the life beyond the threads of the thin cloth. 

The native wanderers wait for just the right moment to come forth, entering the present of the night.

The settling of the earth is warm from the day's heat, yet welcomes the cool of the night

The cloudless african sky glitters with the life of the stars beyond, illuminated simply by the light of the moon.

The quiet of the african night lays claim to the souls that have settled in for an evening of sleep, of rest and a stillness unlike the day.

The night lends itself to the rhythm of the very souls breathing, as the dreams in their heads lay simple and pleasant joys wanting and remembered from long ago.

The quiet of the african night freshens the weary souls whose lives find each day more challenging than the next.

In the quiet of the african night, a sense of hope still prevails before the golden sun rises in the East, leaving the calm of sleep in the eyes of one awaking to the light of day. 

Hope can remain in the quiet of the african night.

Hope must remain in the quiet of the african night.

But hope must also push through the quiet of the african night, to the rays of the dawning day. So that the very souls have more than sorrow and hopelessness to rise above from.

Hope is present in the quiet of the african night, but may that same hope be present in the light of day, every day. Not just in the night.

painting by mo osmon

I Want To End World Poverty....

There are so many issues on my heart that it is hard to know which to really just settle in and run with.

But there is no doubt that World Poverty is one of my greatest hearts' desires. And it should be as I was abandoned as an infant, without food, malnourished. But I was saved, sheltered and given food, love and a family. There are so many people and children who have some or none of the above.

I struggle with knowing this as I live freely and in great wealth. But what would be worse is if I did absolutely nothing to help in relieving this world-wide pandemic.

I'm a dreamer but being a dreamer and being an active dreamer are two different things.

Being complacent and letting other folks do the campaigning, the work, etc. is not my style and I look forward to getting my hands dirty in the middle of the action. I do best getting dirty and involving myself deeply.

There are things I'm questioning right now, but no matter, there is no need to stop doing what I'm doing, in order to regain my perspective. I've chosen to push on and still do what I can despite my questions.

I know as one person, I am unable to end world poverty, but I can make a difference in some way or another, if I am willing...

Heading in the Right Direction?

I've been wondering lately if we are heading in the right direction in life.

I've wondered if my 'sense' of what god wanted from us was even a reality, or just my own reasoning to move on and do something seemingly important and life-giving, rather than self-serving.

I'm even questioning whether we really can have a 'sense' of what god desires of us. If it's not a sense then what is it? It just seems so real and communicative that there seems no way for it to be anything but that.

I'm not really sure why I'm questioning all of this but it just has been in the back of my mind that I can't seem to help but question it all.

The question of faith and belief are at the heart of this question for me.

Explainable?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Where do I begin?

Where does it all end?

For whom does this only become reality for?

Me?

Only others?

Many?

None?

We've Postponed Our Move to Portland...

Okay, so it would seem weird to say you're leaving one moment and then having to turn around and say you're staying. I thought I'd feel strange having to share this with everyone. But in fact, it doesn't faze me.

The need to make our decision was extremely important. Michael was literally killing himself with having to continue working and figuring out our financial and house situation before we could move. The work kept coming, the financial was headache breaking and the house stuff was going no where. So, we needed to reassess where things were going and change gears.

We don't know what the timeline looks like in terms of moving to Portland, but it will be dependent on the house. Whether we can sell it, or get a renter.

I know there are so many friends and family that are thrilled that we have postponed, though it only prolongs the agony of our leave, but more time is better than no time.

So, more adventures and memories in Chico until the day we head else where!

Can't Sleep...

I went to bed to read a little bit before shutting my ol' eyes for sleep heaven. But to no avail, I still was reading, and enjoying my book. About the Children's Blizzard of 1887-1888. It is called the children's blizzard, because it was when most of the children of the Northern most prairie zones of America were heading to school, as it had been the first warm day in their winter season. So, not only husbands, wives and livestock were out on this beautiful day, but thousands upon thousands of children were out and about as well. But I haven't actually gotten to the blizzard day, just about there though. Regardless, this book is so interesting, historical and poignant.

My husband came in to check on me, to see if I had fallen asleep reading, and to turn my light off for me. But I was still awake, which was rare for me. Normally, I'm in snoozeville and have no idea he even came in to kiss me good night again. But tonight I got hug and kiss him again. Yeah for me! But boohoo for not sleeping. When Michael left the room, I thought I'd fall asleep soon after, but found I was not sleepy at all. So I picked up the book again to begin where I left off. But this proved useless, as my mind was whirling a mile a minute at this point. So, here I am writing cause I can't sleep.

I'm thinking about our upcoming Tahoe weekend with close friends. Michael turned 40 this August and he is not much for big bashes, and since I know him so well, I asked him what he'd like to do for his big 4.0. I had suggested renting a cabin and having some friends to hang with. He loved this idea - for one, Tahoe is 'our' place to runaway. Secondly, a cabin with just friends? That was ideal for him. So, I look forward to getting things together for this weekend to come. We are going to party in style! But most of all just catch up and enjoy some of our closest friends, in Tahoe no less!

I'm also thinking about all the things I want to get rid of in our house. Sell our piano, sell our big tv, go through all our books and pare down, also our cd's, clean up/out my side of the office. It is still a mess from the last time I had cleaned it, and then went to look for something and began pulling things out left and right and never returning things back to where I had initially organized them to be. Pure laziness on my part. And thinking I'd get to it manana. But tomorrow came and went and it still looks the same. Blecch!

Then there is the is the Bola Moyo fundraising we're about to embark on with Dustin and Cara in a few weeks, and I have things I need to do, and maybe art to do for it and things to think through so it is good and not shoddy.

And then there are the thoughts about my two nephews, one 24 and the other 15, who both struggle with deep depression. The oldest one is Bipolar and the younger just found out this year that he is severely depressed. But how proud I am of both of them for talking about their illness with me, and other family members. And particularly the younger one is writing poetry and helping me to see what he sees of himself and feels within himself. the Darkness that plagues him daily. He is not a typical candidate of someone with severe depression per his doctors, therapists and others in the medical profession. And I can see for myself that he is not a typical candidate. Perhaps in age, but not in manner or intellect. He is reading fervently about his illness and trying to find a way to understand it better, intelligently and to be sure to have open communication about. He has a greater chance at overcoming this illness than someone of his age and illness not doing these things. He is aware of this is desires to get better and to sustain a healthy life as he gets older. I am so proud of him. And I also know that if my older nephew had not been diagnosed prior to him, he would not be fairing as well as he is. So I am thankful for what has taken place despite the immense pain and struggles these two have had to endure and will continue to endure for some time. I know my parents have been instrumental in the well-being of my older nephew. They were and continue to be there for him during this time in his life. Encouraging him in every way necessary. And because of this, I believe he has been instrumental in helping my younger nephew to get through this time not alone. Explaining what happens, what may happen, what will happen, how one may feel in various stages, etc. This has been wonderful for the younger one. Thank goodness!
I believe they both will be able to work through this illness and be able to feel healthy and alive again. It may and will take time but I know and believe it will be done.

Okay, so now that I've gotten all the things out of my head, that had prevented me from sleeping, I guess it is time for me to try returning to bed and falling under the sleep spell. Let's hope it works. Otherwise, I guess I will be reading until the wee hours. And napping tomorrow.

Good night!

40 and So Young Looking...

Posted by: kimthanh

HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY, MY HUNNA!!

The card he just had taken out of the envelope sounds an obnoxious siren when opened. Letting everyone know that he has waaaaay too many candles to blow out and the poor firemen had to come out to put the ol' fire out.

Of course, I am the one who gave him this card and embarrassed him. Hey, that's what a wife is suppose to do, right? RIGHT! = )

Anyways, he gets two parties this year...

Just to be sure I posted a picture of the cute and very young-looking 40 year old so he wouldn't forget what he looked like at this age. Heh!

He still gets carded...Imagine that!

Ashes, Dust, Life...poem by kim

Life begins with a breath
Exhale
Inhale
Draw in what you need

Life plays out individually
Some share tall tales
Some share interesting tales
Others will share sad tales
More will no longer have a tale to tell

Life ends for each of us
Some unexpectedly
Some with celebration
She with terror
He with weakness
They with understanding
The little one unknowing

Life means something different for each of us
It was exuberant
It was interesting
It was nonexistent
Others it meant little
Others it was colorful

Life is a different color to each of us
Some saw red
Some saw African sky orange
She saw the purple of old age
He saw the yellow of a cornfield
They saw the grey of a gun barrel

Some say life and death are really the same
I used to not fathom such talk
But now I see how it could be
Life is fullness
Death is having had the fullness of life
And to remain fulfilling even past death

How could that be one may ask
I don't pretend to know
But if life is living, death is dying
then passing on must lead you to somewhere or something
Yes?
No?
I don't know...

Life
Death
Ashes
Dust
Still alive and with fullness
You, me us, they, them
Scatter where we long to return

To the sea
To the mountains
To a loved one
To home, wherever that may be
or in whom it may be

Constant Gardner...more than just a movie

We took in the 4:20 p.m. showing of Constant Gardner. I kept thinking this was going to be the new Bill Murray movie, though it had been told to me that that movie was only playing at the Paradise theatre. Duh. Anyways, I was told last night that I should look online to find out about the Constant Gardner. I am soooo glad I didn't. I went in seeing the movie with no expectations and came out with a heart filled with awe, a greater desire and fully entertained in a very creative manner.

I could see this being an Oscar or Cannes Film Winner if not favorite. I had to remind myself that this was a UK film, not an American film using British actors. Excellent movie! I wouldn't mind having a copy of this movie for myself.

It is so strange, I used to think it weird that people would make copies or buy copies of a movie they had just seen. I could not figure why one would want to see a movie AGAIN, much less twenty times or more. But then I guess I've finally gotten on the band wagon and have found myself asking for movies that I have enjoyed immensely. Though I'd say I'm probably more selective than most movie buffs. And I can't even call myself a movie buff. We rarely see movies, but when we do, it seems we see some really great ones. Okay, maybe Elf and Meet the Fockers don't count on the 'really good' scale, but they did have entertainment value for me, at least.

The other movie that I wouldn't mind owning is Motorcycle Diaries. Most movies I enjoy have the element of poignant human experiences.

I know there are thousands of movies out there that I have yet to see and can never remember what they are except when i enter a video store, wishing I could take every single one I find. And then bring them home and have a month-long marathon of movies of others' experiences. But that never seems to work out, and then I feel guilty about wasting time in front of a tv, when there is plenty of other things that need to get done.

That's why I don't watch tv during the day time. It just seems like a waste of time. I think I just need to get over this stupid guilt thing.

After Katrina occurred, I kept wondering why tv and radio were playing up-beat things, and not continuously talking about the victims and the horrific situation our countrymen/women/children found themselves in Katrina's aftermath.

But then I realized we are a country and perhaps a world, where when disaster occurs, there is still 'everyday' life that goes on for those who have not been fully affected by whatever disaster took place. It's as if we need something to distract ourselves of the reality of any given situation.

In one way I am appalled by this behavior, but it's apparently typical. But then again, I can understand perhaps the need for diverting our attention on a comedy, a drama a sports game, a thriller, an action-packed picture so that we still realize we are okay, that life apparently does go on, even in the midst of a horrible disaster.

But when I think worldwide, everyday there is some abominable situation that takes place every minute of every day. Raping, a murder, a bombing, poverty, starvation, a drought, HIV/AIDS, tuberculosis, malaria, raiding of villages, prostitution, slavery, onslaught of some form of terror.

And though the U.S. definitely has its share of murder, homicides, rapes, killings, slavery, prostitution, and poverty, it is still difficult for me to not see the graveness of third world countries who know what struggling truly means. Not that people in America don't, and I don't proceed to negate our grave conditions, BUT the difference is that we are an extremely wealthy, thought stupid country who should be taking better care of our people. But power and money have made us just as corrupt as any third world nation, struggling with similar but even more horrific and catastrophic situations on a daily basis.

So to be sitting in front of a theatre screen or the tube, it's not far away from me the images, of across the world, and even in my own back yard, the struggles of humanity. How very sad it is and I have to work at not letting it get to me. It's difficult though.

So, as I mentioned, I see the need for an entertainment value in our lives so that we can be reminded that we are okay. History shows during wars, during Hiroshima, during the Holocaust, during the San Francisco fires, during the Loma Prieta earthquake, during 9/11, during the Tsunami and more recently during hurricane Katrina, we needed some form of entertainment value to get us through it all. BUT it sucks to know that I am okay, when a child in Sao Paulo, in Vietnam, in India, in Iran, in Africa are just one breath away from their own deaths. But it is the reality of things and I am only one person who is striving to put my passions in to action, by getting involved.

What are you doing to get involved in the fate of our humanity, at home or across the world?

Don't just sit there. Don't be complacent, and don't be socially unaware or without action.

www.one.org
www.data.org
www.amnesty.org
www.care.org
www.un.org
www.who.int/en
www.mercycorps.org
www.oxfam.org
www.savethechildren.org
www.usaid.gov
www.doctorswithoutborders.org
www.idealist.org
www.globalexchange.org
www.heiferinternational.org
www.undp.org
www.nelsonmandela.org
www.46664.tiscali.com
www.globalaidsalliance.org
www.unaids.org
www.worldbank.org/poverty
www.pactworld.org
www.redcross.org
www.salvationarmy.org
www.globalvolunteer.org

Will It Never End?

Posted by: kimthanh

This image is so powerful and yet the reality of HIV/AIDS.

How many years will it take for it to finally just be another part of history, and there to be no more suffering and deaths of children, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles?

Oh I wish I knew...

But I know I can't just sit idly by and let it happen without some form of action from myself.

I don't want to look back on my life and see that there were things that I could have done to help alleviate pain and suffering of others, but I felt just too much guilt and too much responsibility that it immobilized me to take any form of action.

I wish never to be thought of that way. Nor go to my death under the notion that I could have tried to do something, though it may not have saved the world, but if I could have held the life of one dying, comforted the parent of the child dying or cared for the children whose parent is dying or even fed a cup of water to a thirsty and dehydrated person, that would suffice for me the only need of existence of my life. I would have to be kidding myself if I said that I wished I had done more to 'save' a whole nation, an entire village, a group of children, but as I live my life today, I only need to know that I more than striving to do something, I am literally getting my hands dirty in some tangible way that is one on one with another in need.

Let not this image continue to be the future representation of these nations in need. Let there be restoration in these lives so that the future of these countries can and will prosper with integrity.

The Reality...

Posted by: kimthanh

This is what AIDS has done to this child, and like so many in Africa it is invading at an extraordinary rate that there will so many more who die because we (me, you, us, them) could not save them in time.

Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles all affected in ways that is punishable only by death. Particularly for those in rural areas of Africa, where water, food, electricity and trained, medical personnel and ARV's are all but available to these most unfortunate people.

AIDS is slowly gaining success in the larger regions of Africa and that is wonderful news, but it will be years before it can reach truly all that are in need of the drugs to help delay the speed of which one dies and perhaps remain alive if treated early on, the food that is necessary to take along with the much needed medication.

If we look back at the America's history when HIV/AIDS first came on the scene of our society, we were much in denial, it was considered a plague to most, it was the 'others' issue, it was a gay person's issue, it then became a matter on the American conscience. Then money and support came at a very rapid rate, once it was better understood. But we've had an immense advantage over those countries who are and have been struggling with HIV/AIDS for many years already. In many of these countries, much of the spread of HIV/AIDS has affected much of the rural areas, where medical and food and supplies are difficult to attain due to conditions of poverty and resources. In America, the land of milk and honey, as Mrs. Malunga stated in a letter to our two friends, D and C, that we have had a wealth of resources to find ways to fight this horrible disease. Unlike much of the rest of the world.

So, it is not fair to say that Africans, East indians, Spaniards, Haitians deserve what they got, HIV/AIDS. Because if that is what it is all about, America also truly got what it deserved, but to say that is like omitting the rest of the world. Because as humanity, we have all made some horrible decisions that have caused a world-wide epidemic and continue to make decisions that cost lives, not only our own. But unlike America, the other nations have little or no resources to receive and deal with the crisis at hand. So, why aren't more Americans concerned and doing mored to help these nations in this pandemic? I believe we are afraid. We are more concerned with our own lives, and also believe that many Americans feel that these other nations need to take care of their own. But then you ask the question of HOW? How are they to do that? Why can't America and the other wealthy nations help also? Go beyond the initial giving of our dollars? Why not lend our expertise, our connections with pharmaceutical companies, our status, our power?

The G8 was a great starter, but I think it seems like it maybe running out of steam. Perhaps it's not so much the people, as it is the enormity of the task ahead currently and the future. But I think it also has to do with the political games that end up being played for some damn reason or another. Why can't it be more simpler than we make it out to be?
Getting help that is and putting the money where it was stated it would be designated? What is so difficult about it? Is there really that much corruption within the wealthy nations that we are all unable to do the right thing and proportion the money where it need go? And the legal system be led without a hitch? Is it truly that impossible? I just don't understand. Perhaps I am naive. It wouldn't be the first time, nor the last. But more than anything, I think I am just too idealistic for the matters of the world. Me and thousands of others, I'm sure.

I am doing what I can, by getting truly involved in the cause of Africa, but hope not to end there most certainly, but include Vietnam, India, Haiti, Brazil, etc. It just can't stop with the last destination, because there will always be others in need of something. And as long as I have breath and passion for others, I want so much to be used in these lives in whatever way possible that I can.

I don't want to be simply a donator of my dollars, I want to envelope myself within all of these peoples I have spoken of. Until I take my last breath...

Water within Poverty...photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

I remember when I took this photo. Bola Moyo's Board had taken a break from a morning of meeting and took time out for the park.

We were all just sitting around, talking and enjoying one another.

And this view caught my eyes as I was basking in the warm sun.

It almost seemed indictative seeing the sweating cup of water (that was given freely to me, and refills would have been abundant if we had remained in the local coffee shop) alongside the background image of the book on ending poverty.

I know sometimes we can get so caught up in what we have and what others do not, and I beleive it is a healthy view to keep in mind and not be used in a manner that depicts or points out the very situation. But like Paul Farmer, when not working in Haiti, be it Paris or London, he too would dine in expensive restaurants, as well as drinking a very expensive bottle of wine. But as in the book, Paul states that he too enjoys the finer things in life. It is not sin to nor even wrong to enjoy those things that have been given to us abundantly. But it is when we we take for granted the needs of others whether in our own town or across the world, that we are then guilty of not being conscious of other's economical situations.

Though this picture paints a thousand or more words in many eyes, it is disheartening to me to know that we have such conditions that still exist in this vast world. That with the shere number of bright, educated, resourceful people, governments and political systems, that we would have enough to go around to all persons of this world. But that is not the reality of things. And what a poor bastard of a society we are that we can let others live in such squalor and in want with out blinking an eye.

I've wondered what I would do if I had all the money in the world to provide, to supply as the demand is needed and to continue reproducing those things that are working and improve on those that aren't.

I've learned that to have that kind of money, one would need to continue to find ways for it to make itself increase more over so that the giving would never be just a one time gift, but an ongoing system of providing when and where needed.

I look forward to working in our area of passion with Bola Moyo. To know that my heart desires to see the people of Malawi live a better and more purposeful life, and to see the future, the children, become who they are meant to be in their homes, their village, their country, and what more they will be able to do for their country given the chance to live, to eat, to produce gardens necessary for food and taking their medicines.

How I dream about the day when Michael and I will see with our own eyes the people of Malawi, and what they are doing and can do to help their own.

For Bola Moyo to simply have the means to help them, be it in every aspect of their needs, is flabbergasting to me but also thriling to know that we will have supporters who also hear, see and feel our passion for the people of Malawi and we can in taking this journey together will be amazing.


Take a look at WWW.ONE.ORG
"WE BELIEVE that in the best American tradition of helping others help themselves, now is the time to join with other countries in a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world overcome AIDS and extreme poverty. WE RECOGNIZE that a pact including such measures as fair trade, debt relief, fighting corruption and directing additional resources for basic needs' education, health, clean water, food, and care for orphans' would transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries, at a cost equal to just one percent more of the US budget. WE COMMIT ourselves - one person, one voice, one vote at a time - to make a better, safer world for all."

Swearing To No End...

Well, I have noticed a trend in my writings lately and that is the use of profanity, swear words, four-letter words, words my parents told me never to say, words that i actually do not like, myself. Okay, maybe there is just one word that is: SHIT. That is truly the only word I use in the more surprising situations or emotional undoing.

But for some reason, with the liberation from the church life, though not from god, I have apparently given myself permission to swear like there is no tomorrow, particulalry when it comes to writing. I am even more so daring in my writing than in talk. But occasionally some of those cuss words that I detest do come spewing out of this ol' mouth.

So, I have resolved to just using the four-letter words only when really necessary or when needing to be emphatic about something or an event, etc.

I'll admit, to swear so easily is fun and releases some amount of endorphins that just don't seemed to get used in any other way.

But then I was remembering that I used to play tennis competatively and that WAS my release. I could be as angry or frustrated about whatever and somehow hitting that little Wilson tennis ball somehow made things better. But since I am physically limited, I don't have that kind of outlet any longer.

This summer, swimming laps seemed to be the next best thing to my tennis days. But the local pools closed for the season so that ended that.

Anyways, I'm just babbling on but I needed to address myself on this matter so that I need not be someone that I am not-a swearing sailor. Is swearing sailor right? Or do I have my sayings turned around and completely mixed up? Probably the latter. Oh well, maybe I'll figure it out one of these days.

Taking The Higher Road...

If I have learned anything in my life, is that deciding to take the Higher Road when dealing with sticky situations, is NEVER easy, and some times just down right SHITTY!

The biblical saying of turn the other cheek sucks too, but it is true. Taking the higher road is also true and as I have found, to be very necessary.

I don't remember learning this in kindergarten, which would have been a great thing to know and do between then and the rest of one's life. But for whatever reason it was not quite as an important subject as learning one's ABCs or playing well with others. But it seems it sure would have helped in learning how to play with others if this specific lesson could have been learned. Oh well...

But the many times I have had to AND chosen to...taking the higher road...is so that there could peace in my chaotic life, peace within my soul that I was doing the right thing, peace in knowing that the situation could then take the next smaller steps it needed in being resolved, and then peace in knowing that god called me to make amends even when I didn't/don't want to or would rather had chosen an alternate route or completely ignored the damn situation.

But it also seems, to me anyways, that in having taken the higher road, it has also caused some great amount of my pride to be extinguished and shaken up so that the other side would be appeased. And I know this is part of remaining with god and his promise for my life. To heed one's selfish soul by bowing down, literally, one's self in the presence of the other(s) so that they see that I have relinquished any prideful absurdity and ill thoughts and feelings toward them or the situation. Man! This pride thing is really crappy in any one's life and to be able to literally bow down and relinquish that position, even in the presence of god, for me it remains to be a step in the right direction. No matter how much it hurts in the process of doing it.

Honestly, I can say that there have been a few minor times where I have chosen to take the higher road, not out of some self-righteous position, but because I just couldn't stand it anymore. The situations just deemed themselves so outrageous that it made no more sense than putting a gun to one's head. But still I did it, and still see it as that's just what I did no real reason per se.

But all the other times I have literally made the conscious choice to take the higher road because it made sense and it rang true with my idea of god's meaning for my life. To lay down one's life of pride so that the other could be made higher and sheltered from the harsh wind and rain. Though to say I've done it for this reason, does not discount the emotional side effects that come with doing so. There is/are still times when those feelings of wanting to be selfish and not have done it at all come into play, or it has brought up a sense of unfairness (sometimes great) that comes with the 'rights to my life', or it has the ill side effects that linger because the situation has not been fully settled, or the attachments of why the other person(s) couldn't see that I had done this for them (for us/situation) so that we then can move on. So, as one can see...taking the higher road is not always what it is cracked up to be. But I know from my experiences, that I would not be willing to go back in time and make changes to those situations, because in doing so would only have held me back from becoming the person that god has called me to be and desires me to become.

If I had chosen not to take the higher road:
- I would still have a very difficult relationship with my mom
- I would have very few close friends, thus very few real friends, but lots of acquaintenances only
- My marriage would not have lasted as long or as well as it has
- I would be a very angry person with no interest in resolution(s)
- I would be compromisng who god called me to be
- I would have remained just as controlling, just as manipulative and unwilling to allow others to be forthcoming
- I would probably would have held on to my resentments, my selfhishness, and my uselessness for others

I'm sure there is so much more that would have prevented me from growing, maturing, understanding and letting go that which I never had any control of in the first place.

I am thankful that I, yet again, learned a huge and valuable lesson in life. Sometimes I lose sight of this-that I am still an evolving creature-and thus each new lesson(s) learned and put into action only allows for greater understanding of myself, my past, future and those that come in and out of my life.

I thank god for seeing these things in me, through his eyes. Cause sometimes the only things I see in my eyes are self-deprecating images of what I don't want to be or already am.

Thank you god for helping me become who I am suppose to be becoming.

"There is Always Tomorrow"

I'm feeling like the Grinch this morning. Not because I hate christmas, actually just the opposite. Or could my feelings be more of Oscar the Grouch? Hmmm.... Perhaps. Anyways, I know we have these sayings through out our language about how tomorrow will be a better day or there is always a tomorrow or the sun will come out tomorrow or why isn't tomorrow here today dag nag it!

It's these polite little jingles, sayings and annoyances that make you wonder if people really believe this kind of crap. Ugh, I've even found mysefl saying it a few times. But tomorrow is here today and today I still feel like crap from yesterday, though I was hoping to feel better since tomorrow was coming to bring sun out and today would be a better day than yesterday though today is not fairing any better than yesterday yet tomorrow is just another day and that there is always tomorrow to feel better though you hate feeling crappy today so you only wish for tomorrow to get here so the sun would come out to lighten up the sorrows of today but will not be until tomorrow that it will happen, which is still another day away. DANG! This life is just too damn complicated for this very simplistic being.

I hate carrying over these down feelings from the day before. It's just festering in me and I need to get it out but it is dependant on another unfortunately.

So, in the meantime, I will just smile and sing and shout and hope the sun will come out tomorrow, and that tomorrow will be another day and that tomorrow will also be a better day than today or yesterday. It's just gotta. EESH!

Simply Make Me Melt...Twice Over

Posted by: kimthanh

Again, the smiles of these amazing little creatures are the music to my sorrowful days.

Thank you god for putting simple moments like these in my crummy of a day path.

So appreciative.

Simply Make Me Melt...Once Over

Posted by: kimthanh

Okay, so I am having a sucky day but then I think of my nephews and all of it almost melts away.....

Thanks Big D and Little D:

I had fun with you this last weekend. And I love you!!

Thank you for brightening my day with your sweetness and your childlike ways.

Love, Auntie Kim

Realization of Ones Own Growth

Today, as difficult of a day as it became, I had a realization of my own personal growth. This was a great revelation amidst the emotional and hard conversation I had to day with some one close to me.

To another it may mean nothing but to me it was a reminder of how often times we continue to struggle over the same things over and over and then one day you realize that that place of stumbling has some how corrected itself in a positive way. Mind you it did come from a lot of hard work and struggling before it was resolved. Though it would have been nice if it had happened overnight. But that would not have been my fate. It never is. I'm always one that god feels I need to work through EVERY dang issue - unlike some folks I know. They get what they want regardless....Blah Blah Blah

Amazing.

It sucked that it had to come at a time when I was talking with this friend. But then again maybe that is when it needed to shine through so that I could see for myself that I am STILL an evolving creature, truly.

To look at me now one and many have said 'I would never have seen you as controlling." Others may beg to differ. And to those who called me on it, I honestly thanked them from the bottom of my heart and have done so to two specific people in my life who were willing to challenge me in this area of personal havoc.

Before, I always hated the words controlling, perfectionist, manipulative, difficult, and one who has great expections of self and others. But apparently these were just some of the words that were described to me, of me. OUCH! Now that I hear these same words, some still ring true, it's just not as harsh sounding nor is it as painful. Now most of those words used to describe me but don't anymore. BUT it has been a long and tough road for me to get out from underneath them. Particularly controlling and manipulative. Now I see perfectionist just as a minor flaw of myself and difficult, dealing more in the realm of my likes and dislikes of foods, not people and how they do this or that and whether it was done my way or not at all. And in terms of expectations of myself (getting better) and of others (definitely a hell of a lot better).

So, now that you've read this far, and this sucks I know, the buck stops here somehow. SO, I had just finished typing it all out and then hit the wrong friggin key, and with blogger, you have to at least save it as a draft BEFORE navigating anywhere else on your site, etc. So, I begin once again to rewrite the last half of this blog, because I had been 'smart' enough to save before continuing to write again. Well, if that darn ol 'frog didn't catch that pesky fly surrounding him, I don't know what did and gone ate my rewritten version, and so other than a second moment of idiotic memory lapse thar she goes again. POOF! Gone in an instant, no way to be retrieved. Friggin pesky fly!. So, I decided to give it up for the nite and just write if off saying, FORGET ABOUT IT! Apparently it wasn't as important or heart-felt or curable as I first thought for myself. And god didn't want to see another clamor of written words posted on this site. So that's just the way the friggin cookie crumbles on a heavy heart in chico.

Signing off!