Posted by: kimthanh
As I was sitting in our arm chair, I was enjoying the scene playing before me. Michael was helping our 12 yr old cousin, Alea, with her homework in math.
First off, Michael enjoys math and all of its abstract notions. I detest it with a vengeance. Secondly, I was enjoying the way the two were interacting wtih one another and the way Alea was comfortable snuggled up next to him, while he explained in the simplest terms of the particular math problems. Thirdly, Michael has such patience and a way of explaining things in more than one way no matter the subject matter. And lastly, to see him so naturally and calmly helping Alea, explaining away, and patiently waiting until she seemed to be getting it just brought to mind a twinge of pain to me, while at the same time enjoying what I was observing.
The remembered pain was the knowledge that we have yet to have children of any age, in any form. It's painful as I know how wonderful a father, a dad, a parent and a member of the married team Michael would be in raising, caring for and teaching what children we hoped to have had. It just kills me to see the emptiness within each of us in this area. It was difficult for me because I haven't had this pain come up in quite awhile until just the other day.
It hurt, it was a reminder, causes me to wonder if we ever will be given a child of our own, at this point, whether through the fostering system or through adoption. I wasn't as angry about it as I have been in the past, and that's growth for me. But the pain is still not far below the surface and becomes easily raw.
I pray and hope for a child(ren) for us, but also know that we are on a path toward new adventures due to our passions, and in what god is calling us to be doing, with our lives, at this time. For this we will continue to follow through and find joy and peace through it all, but I don't know if we will ever get beyond the desires nor the immense passion to have one of our very own.
I just feel like we've been missing out on the joys of parenthood and the parenthood circle that one automatically becomes a member of, by the presence of a child, in ones household. It really SUCKS!!!
All I know so far is that it could still be a possibility in our life time to have this amazing experience. But I do wonder if it will ever really be granted to us. I continue to pray about this out of a sense of selfishness so that my desire will be continuously heard, assuming god doesn't already know of this desire in us. BUT it seems it can't hurt to keep voicing it no matter.
I continue to believe that part of our passions for our adventures also contains the work of helping, meeting with, holding, caring for and lovingly embracing children in what ever way we can that will somehow help fulfill that voided area. And to believe with that it will be enough for now.
But I don't know that we will ever not get over the feeling of missing out on the privileged experience of having ones own child.
Aching heart your fears are valid
Aching couple your desires have been heard
Do as you are asked to do and I will grant you with my ultimate joy and peace
It may not look like what you had in mind, but bear with me as I continue to work in you both
Your hearts will be enflamed with children from many worlds, many places and backgrounds
Your hearts will take hold of such faces, such conditions that will feel like they are your own
These children are your own, in a way that you will forever change the path of their lives
These children are your own, in a way that will fulfill you like no other
Continue to wait for me
Continue to follow me
Continue to have faith in me
Continue on the path I have called you to and you will be given your hearts' desires
Know it's my timing, not yours
Know I relish you both in ways that make me proud
Know that I have plans for you and the ones that you love, whether they are yours or anothers'
I'm listening
I'm here
I'm all that you need
