The Mind Just Keeps Running...

Another night of little sleep and this time I am all over the board with my thoughts. I'm thinking about all of the house cleaning I need to do before tomorrow night, with company coming over for dinner. Helping Michael's gramma with her Christmas decorations, to taking photos of some of the homeless folks in town so I can have a photo and a name to think about and pray for.

Then I'm thinking about how to meet up with some old friends. Also, sending a Christmas card to my old childhood pen pal from Greece. Wondering if the address I last had would still get to her? And hoping it would. I also am planning on sending a letter to the family from India to whom I sent a box for Operation Christmas Child (thru Samaritan's Purse). They were so wonderful in writing me back the last time that I have felt guilty that I had not returned the favor. They sound like such faithful people with two wonderful kids. I know they will be excited to get my letter. I will also include a photo of us once again.

Then there are the thoughts of what else can we do to fix up our house, to feel more comfortable, homey and more inviting. I mentioned to Michael about painting the bathroom with the non-mildewing paint that our friend P. used in her bathroom. It seems to be doing a fantastic job so far. It's been quite awhile since she had it painted. Doing that would help get a fresh coat of paint in the bathroom.

There is also the thought of what is next for 2006. I'm sure very exciting things. First off, we've started on the Foster-Adoption road so that is in the works. We are looking to take a trip to Africa and/or Vietnam this coming year, do some camping in Tahoe.

I hope to do much more cooking in 2006 and learn some new and interesting recipes. I look to the new books that I will find and devour from the library in the new year.

But mostly I think the greatest accomplishment for me would be to touch the lives of those who have so little, are in need, are hurting, are ill, are in want, are broken in some form or another. Whether it be a child here in the US, in Africa, in Vietnam or elsewhere. And or receiving such joy from whatever comes my way and that helps me to continue to be grounded and selfless in all that I am and all that I do.

Mother Teresa On The Poor...

'The poor must know that we love them, that they are wanted. They themselves have nothing to give but love. We are concerned with how to get this message of love and compassion across. We are trying to bring peace to the world through our work. But the work is the gift of God, eh?

'People today are hungry for love, for understanding love which is much greater and which is the only answer to loneliness and great poverty. That is why we are able to go to countries like England and America and Australia where there is no hunger for bread. But there, people are suffering from terrible loneliness, terrible despair, terrible hatred, feeling unwanted, feeling helpless, feeling hopeless. They have forgotten how to smile, they have forgotten the beauty of the human touch. They are forgetting what is human love. They need someone who will understand and respect them.

'The poor are not respected. People do not think that the poor can he treated as people who are lovable, as people like you and I.

'You know, the young are beginning to understand. They want to serve with their hands, and to love with their hearts. To the full, not superficially.'

Dale Carnegie...

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

A Morning Of Whiteness...

I awoke this morning to a land of whiteness. No, it wasn't snow but it was Frosty's cousin, Jack Frost coming to pay us a visit. For me, it brings a HUGE smile to my face and the thought of ice crunching under foot. Even if it is only a simple thin layer of ice (and not snow) covering the grass and lasting until the sun completely melts it in a few hours, it was a little something special, making the holidays even merrier and brighter for me.

I've always dreamed of living in a land of snowy winters and white christmases, but having never actually lived with those kinds of conditions, I'm not sure how I'd fair. I think I would be just fine, but that could simply be the dream talking and pushing reality aside so I can enjoy the dream a little longer. Something tells me that I would do just fine. Perhaps a bit cabin feverish in some years, but overall would be content to enjoy the experience as such. But I guess it will only remain in my dreams...Sigh.

I am enjoying the visit of Jack and the stillness it prevails over the land, even with just simply a covering of ice. There is just something amazing to see the landscape covered in white. I guess that's why white often stands for purity. Because it does reflect such a quality of pureness and untouched.

I'm sure I've thought these thoughts before. But for some reason this morning's whiteness just brought it all back to mind, allowing me to experience it in the present.

A Morning of Whiteness:

The cold of the morning shakes one's breath right out of them.

The stillness, the quiet an attribute to such conditions.

Before the sun rises, the earth remains asleep until the sun first peaks.

Steam rises, droplets of water fall from rooftops, the temperature in the air begin rising slowly.

Bringing life to the world and interrupting the quiet of the frosty morning.

The higher the sun rises, the quicker the icing melts.

The grasses and the leaves are relieved of the melting to come, as the weight of the

ice is too much for the little shapes to handle.

Thankfully the sun will help warm them up and keep them dry all the day long.

I guess it's goodbye to the beauty and the whiteness of this morning's show, but hopefully it will not be the last.

So for now we say, 'so long Frosty, thank you for visiting.'

And hope to see him again very soon.

Like tomorrow?

(photo by: stmary.co.za)

Do You See Me? I See You...

Sometimes we have the inability to see one another. But most of the time, I believe, we intentionally ignore one another because of our unwillingness to stop and engage beyond a surface level.

How are we to speak to another if the 'Burqa' covers who each of us is? Why not stop and ask to remove the hindrance so that we can honestly and openly communicate with them? Why are we so afraid of each other? What will we lose by taking time to speak beyond just the quick, casual glance of the eye?

Isn't this why we are on earth together? To get to know and understand one another better? How are we to do that if we keep ourselves behind locked doors, behind dark sunglasses? Behind our tinted windows? Behind the magazine at the grocery line?

I feel there would be less people feeling alone if we were just capable of sharing our lives with one another, with an acceptance and permission to be truly open and honest.

This doesn't in no way imply that we will not have days where we will hide behind our own 'Burqa' or of another's. But it is imperative that we take big, small and many moments in our lives to speak eye to eye. So that each sees the other for who each is.

It can be done. I think it needs to continue to be done. And as long as we are on earth with one another, shouldn't we be finding ways to better understand and love one another?

Ideal Unity...

I don't know if there is such a thing as 'ideal unity'. I want so much to believe in it but cynicism is getting in the way of what seems like what could be.

Too much bantering of who is wrong and who is right.

Too much yelling of my rights versus your rights.

Too much fighting over my heritage versus your heritage.

Too much blindness of one another's needs and desires.

Too much display of ignorance when in reality vengeance is sweet.

Where do we break the ties that bind us in such a force of hatred?

How can we move forward instead of looking at the past continuously?

How can we forgive one another for past wrongs and evidence of renewed integrity in one another?

Is there such a thing as ideal unity?

New and Old Acquaintances...

I am in the middle of addressing and mailing out our Christmas cards for this year. We have not been consistent in sending out cards in the past. But since having been ill the last few years, it has given me the availability to do this. And particularly this year, I have been thinking about all of those folks that I have neglected to contact and or keep in touch with a few months out of a year. Really, it's not asking too much, and I realize that yes, we all are busy and have very busy lives, but in the short of it all remaining in touch should be a priority in life.

So, I have committed myself to staying in touch with folks in some form or another. Besides, I am a believer of growing old with one another. And I might add that I have failed miserably with some folks in that idea. And they even called me on it. Yikes!
To grow old and just live life with one another is really a sweet thing and I have many folks that can attest in that arena.

I guess, just thinking about all those folks in and through my life just makes it sweeter because of who each of them are and what they bring to the relationship and how much richer my life is because of them.

I must say that I've been quite naive in the past, thinking that I would always have a lot of friends and they/we would always keep in touch and grow old together. Growing older, has thankfully wizened me up just a little bit. I've also realized not every one will take the initiative to call, write or phone and so I would have to be willing to do that if I wanted some kind of contact with folks. Unfortunately, life goes on and people move on, but I relish the idea of reconnecting with those I have lost contact with. So far it's been wonderful and nostalgic reconnecting.

So, here is to a new and many years of reconnecting and establishing old and new relationships. I'm looking forward to this process and sharing in the lives of so many.

Can't Sleep...

I can't seem to sleep. My mind is rolling on and on. My eyes stay closed but the ol' brain just won't stop.

I've been thinking about the homeless and what I can do for them. I purchased some gloves and hats and was thinking of walking the streets of Chico with those, some mandarins, and buying a big box of granola bars from Costco and finding folks that could use some of those things. I also thought of a note to include in the bags that would basically say something about not giving up on becoming who they were made to be.

Unfortunately, whether due to addiction, emotional breakdown, a tragic situation(s), spiritual breakdown, dysfunctional family, or own personal decision to be and live on the streets, the homeless are still a people with needs and desire for existence and personal interaction.

I met 'Lisa' this past summer and would run into her every so often and catch up with her, her pregnancy, her cats and life under a Chico bridge. But I haven't seen her as of late and have wondered how she is doing. I know in October she was suppose to be having her baby. But I have yet to find her since that last meeting. I do think of her often and pray that she and the baby are okay. I remember her showing me the sonogram of the baby and was excited that it was a girl. She had stated she needed to get off the street and start clean again and hoped to take the baby and move to Portland, Oregon. But I don't have any clue whether it happened or not. I hope it did not for the sake of the baby. She has her grandmother who cares for her other two children, two boys, locally so hopefully she has given the baby to her grandmother. Lisa is extremely bright, articulate and understanding of her situation, yet she is only 15 and not yet in a place of abandonment of self. But then how many of us truly ever get to that place? I dare say very, very few of us. I'm not sure that many of us really understand what that ultimately means. Myself included.

So, I hope Lisa is out there somewhere safe and okay.

I'm Such A Goober...

When I look back on my blog and see all the things I've written-the good, the bad, the ugly, the questionable, the funny, the pleas, the outcry and the dorkiness of it all makes me think of some one quite schizophrenic. And I guess I'd agree with it too.

I don't know how any one can live on this earth and not be schizophrenic to some degree or another. Especially when you think of all the emotional, the spiritual, the gooberinal that we all go through just to live each day, one day after the other. Whew! It's quite dizzying, really!

So, when I say I'm such a goober, I guess I'm just affirming my position in life.

What makes you a goober? What things have you done or said that qualifies as a world class goober?

Goober and schizophrenic should be synonymous with one another.

I'd be the first to raise my hand and make admission to the characteristics of such a person still living.

How about you?

PS: Please know my intent on the use of schizophrenic is in no way to demean those who live with this difficult condition.

I Just Met...

I love it when I've been able to see the heart of some one I've just met. We'll call he/she 'Jumpin Jack Flash' so I can keep the identity hush, hush.

Jumpin Jack Flash is some one I am thrilled to have met and to have spent some quality time with. It melted my heart just being in he/she's presence.

Oh the stories that were told, the laughter that was had, the passion of J.J. Flash's heart was enough to just want to be where Flash was taking us with the descriptions of the life. The details of the stories, the experiences and the cultural understanding was important and valid for me and the others to better understand what lies ahead for the future.

J.J. Flash is going through some personal stuff at this time and having to make some big decisions in life that could prove to be difficult, perhaps life changing. But no matter, I believe he/she is going to come out of it extremely blessed and healed.

I wouldn't say that J.J. Flash and I have the same political or spiritual take on things but he/she's heart was what was melting me to pieces. The vulnerability, the desire to make things right and the willingness to do what it takes to right the wrongs.

He/She did not tell me in full blown detail of the situation(s), and I didn't ask questions, realizing these were private and difficult issues facing he/she. I just listened and took what I could and prayed that jesus would just work in and through the situations.

I've not written to J.J. Flash since our last contact but I have been thinking about he/she and will send a letter and our Christmas card letting it be known.

It seems very few people are willing or able to be vulnerable and share with intensity without necessarily describing their situation. I'm not quite sure how to describe this exactly but to say that the heart seems like it pours forth naturally when it has found a level of comfort perhaps. And maybe that's what it was. J.J. Flash had found a comfort level with me and others that allowed for the heart to speak for he/she. Spoken words did not hold much weight in comparison to the vulnerability and the condition of the heart coming through to me and us.

When I think about it more, I think that is what I see in Michael too. And I know that is what I love about him. He can be vulnerable, intense, sensitive and not always share in words what his heart is feeling.

And I know that is what makes me attracted to a man. Not in terms of flirtatiousness or desire or looks. The heart was always my number one priority in looking for a husband. And I am truly blessed because he found me and we found each other.

Thank you, J.J. Flash for having just met you and allowing me to see your heart. It melted me to pieces. And how lucky I am to spend more time with you in the future.

May the lord bless you, keep you and shine his face upon you... Shalom.

I'm...

I'm Snotty. No, really. I am.

This cold that I caught either from my hubby or another has decided to attack me at night, while I'm trying to rest my weary bod. Oh, but this cold has a mind of its own and I've found myself talking to 'the cold' as if it were a human being. Yikes! I think the hallucination has really set in this time around.

I keep telling 'the cold' to stop making my eyes water so much, to stop making me hack up both my lungs, to stop making me drool on the pillow, waking me up, because I can't breathe from my nose. Or is it my nose drooling? I'm really not sure...

'The cold' has spoken saying, 'it's not ready for it to leave this warm haven it has found in me'. I respond by yelling, 'get out now! I don't want you in or around me. Get out AND STAY OUT!'. But 'the cold' just sticks its tongue out at me and laughs a very hardy laugh. I cover my ears and try to sniffle the pounds of snot stuck in my nasal passages. Ugh!

If only I could blast the head off 'this cold' being that enjoys taunting and toying with me to no end.

Well, hopefully I will have the strength and the antibodies to help me destroy this bugger! Not hopefully but I WILL, and with my army of antibodies, we WILL destroy this 'cold attacker'!!!

Just when it least expects it... Aha!

To Whom Do I Owe...

To whom do I owe my life to? What reason is there for my existence if there are parts of me out there embodied by others? Is there only just one of me? How could that be? And how is it that I can be a truly unique individual? It seems so impossible to me. It has always been said that we are our very own, unique individuals and there is no one else in this world like us. Now how can that be even remotely true? I mean unless you happen to be an identical twin, an exact replica of yourself.

Have you ever pondered the thought that there is NO ONE else like us? Somehow I've always figured the person(s) telling me was just trying to bullshit me and make me feel better and special. Heck, some days it worked but usually it bugged me, because I could never fathom that there not could be someone else like me out there. There just has to be with the billions upon billions of people out there...There has got to be some one pretty damn close in likeness to me. Perhaps not in looks per se, but certainly in personality and thought, talents, giftings and attitude.

But let's just say there is NO ONE else like me out there, then the world is a pretty lucky place. To have two or more of me would be pretty scary.

I know I very, very rarely get the 'have I met you before?' statement like my husband, Michael. But I guess that really isn't saying very much.

So, to whom do I owe my life to? Being a christian believer, the answer would be expected to be god, of course. And that could be one of my answers but it seems there is more to it than just god. The whole god/jesus/son/holy spirit thing is really quite confusing and over rated in my simplistic and humble opininion. But what's to expect when it is coming from a very human perspective. I don't think...god...would be offended by my saying that, but I'm really not sure. But jesus is the real principle behind what I believe and how I choose to live my life out. Jesus I believe was holy and was given a place in history that could never be repeated. So, perhaps I am a heretic for believing only in jesus' existence and not really understanding god and the holy spirit thing, but I think that is the beauty of choice. We are given a choice to question, try to understand and figure out this spiritual side of our lives that really has no tangible foundation other than the life of jesus. Unless you take in the consideration of other christians. Oh, but that just cannot do. They(we) can be just too full of ourselves to be taken seriously. No wonder christian is such a dirty word...And so many Christians wonder why...DUH!

I believe there is and never will be another jesus in the history of the world. But that doesn't mean there could not be another me out there, created just as unique as I supposably am. I'd say I'm not as unique as I would seflishly like to believe. None of us really are. But that's just me talking from the side of my mouth.

So, to whom do you owe your life to?