Realization of Ones Own Growth

Today, as difficult of a day as it became, I had a realization of my own personal growth. This was a great revelation amidst the emotional and hard conversation I had to day with some one close to me.

To another it may mean nothing but to me it was a reminder of how often times we continue to struggle over the same things over and over and then one day you realize that that place of stumbling has some how corrected itself in a positive way. Mind you it did come from a lot of hard work and struggling before it was resolved. Though it would have been nice if it had happened overnight. But that would not have been my fate. It never is. I'm always one that god feels I need to work through EVERY dang issue - unlike some folks I know. They get what they want regardless....Blah Blah Blah

Amazing.

It sucked that it had to come at a time when I was talking with this friend. But then again maybe that is when it needed to shine through so that I could see for myself that I am STILL an evolving creature, truly.

To look at me now one and many have said 'I would never have seen you as controlling." Others may beg to differ. And to those who called me on it, I honestly thanked them from the bottom of my heart and have done so to two specific people in my life who were willing to challenge me in this area of personal havoc.

Before, I always hated the words controlling, perfectionist, manipulative, difficult, and one who has great expections of self and others. But apparently these were just some of the words that were described to me, of me. OUCH! Now that I hear these same words, some still ring true, it's just not as harsh sounding nor is it as painful. Now most of those words used to describe me but don't anymore. BUT it has been a long and tough road for me to get out from underneath them. Particularly controlling and manipulative. Now I see perfectionist just as a minor flaw of myself and difficult, dealing more in the realm of my likes and dislikes of foods, not people and how they do this or that and whether it was done my way or not at all. And in terms of expectations of myself (getting better) and of others (definitely a hell of a lot better).

So, now that you've read this far, and this sucks I know, the buck stops here somehow. SO, I had just finished typing it all out and then hit the wrong friggin key, and with blogger, you have to at least save it as a draft BEFORE navigating anywhere else on your site, etc. So, I begin once again to rewrite the last half of this blog, because I had been 'smart' enough to save before continuing to write again. Well, if that darn ol 'frog didn't catch that pesky fly surrounding him, I don't know what did and gone ate my rewritten version, and so other than a second moment of idiotic memory lapse thar she goes again. POOF! Gone in an instant, no way to be retrieved. Friggin pesky fly!. So, I decided to give it up for the nite and just write if off saying, FORGET ABOUT IT! Apparently it wasn't as important or heart-felt or curable as I first thought for myself. And god didn't want to see another clamor of written words posted on this site. So that's just the way the friggin cookie crumbles on a heavy heart in chico.

Signing off!