A Celebration Indeed...

Oh man, it's so strange to have been in Student Ministry and see that those 'kids' that you spent a lot of time and life with are getting older, more mature and even marrying or having their own children. And it's only been a few years since we stepped down. Yikes! Time is a flyin'!!

But we were so thrilled to be able to make Tyson's wedding. It was wonderful to see him so happy, so enveloped with those who truly love him and that he found the perfect woman for him. And she for him.

We both did not want to miss this date for the world. We've always had a wonderful relationship with Tyson. And Michael, well, he has known Tyson since he was just five years old. Michael was going to Chico State and he was attending Esplanade Baptist at the time, now called Church on the Esplanade, but with pretty much the same families who were very involved with the college ministry of that time. So, Michael remembers Tyson when he was five though Tyson doesn't remember that time in history. Oh, to be so young and naive.

I am so glad that this photo turned out so well and it will always hold wonderful memories for us through the years. And Tyson, being just so Tyson, took the time to thank us, truly, for making his wedding, knowing we were back and forth with the Fundraiser for Bola Moyo. And since we know Tyson so well, we knew he really meant it fully.

Thank you Tyson for your love for us and we are thrilled for your new chapter in life with Monica.

We love you and miss you!

In My Dreams...photos by kim

Oh, the beautiful colors of Fall. When I was about eight or nine, I always wanted to live in Connecticut after I read some books about living in the country of that state and the Fall season that takes place every year. The grass green as green could be, the mass number of colors possible showing themselves off, and the very cool, crisp air of the East coast. So, I always had this romantic idea of Connecticut and Vermont too. But as I grew up, they really weren't all that romantic. It apparently was true. It really is that beautiful in that part of the country. So, deep down in my mind of an eight or nine year old I still dream of living in Connecticut. Well, it doesn't seem like it's going to actually happen but one can never know I guess.

So here are just a few photos from my fall outing just the other day. It is beautiful in Chico during fall and I am glad. Though not quite as pronounced as the East Coast.

I would love to take a train ride cross country just to see all the different beauty that is contained in this one continent. I'm sure it would totally blow my mind. But Chico is where I live currently and I try to take all the beauty that is right in my backyard. It would be a shame not to...

One Fall Day...photos by kim

So, in order to get away from the idea that we may have a snake in our house, I decided to take Fall photos of this particular area in Chico that I drive by practically everyday. And keep thinking to myself that I need to have the camera with me, in the car, so that I can get a photo of the fall leaves and the trees.

I did that very thing. I parked in Morning Thunder's parking lot, jay walked across the street and just began snapping away. There was so much to see and photograph. I was really enjoying myself. It finally felt much like a fall day. The wind was blowing a bit, the air was cool, but not quite crisp and the sun was out. The smell of damp soil and the green, green grass of home beckoned me to come forth and partake in the tradition of foliage viewing. I did just that.

This part of the park, by Little Chico Creek, which runs throughout the town and campus, also has a lot of folks hanging out, bbqing and enjoying the canopy of trees next to the flowing creek.

I snapped away and snapped away and was just enjoying the time out, the smell of life, the sounds of technology, and the chitter, chatter of some folks hanging out at one of the picnic tables.

I came up to them and asked if I could take there photo. They were so happy to see me and kept telling me I was so nice to be talking to them. And so pretty. They were cracking me up. Apparently, these three guys, I found out, hang out together quite often. Jim has a part time job, Bob is retired and Steve is out of work. They were a true bunch of characters but oh so human. I just loved them. Jim wanted to take a photo of Steve, Bob and me. So, I let him use the camera several times until he got a shot. As the photo shows neither of the two are smiling anymore. He didn't quite have the idea down that he had to click and hold the button. But then most folks don't when trying to use our camera. So I couldn't blame him. They weren't into smiling when I was taking the photos of them either, but as soon as I got back to chatting with them, they were all smiles. All three were pretty tickled when I showed them the photos of their hands and of Bob's wrinkled face. Jim was tickled that he finally figured the camera out. They were really great men and I look forward to seeing them around town more now. I told them they had to say Hi to me if they saw me and I would most definitely do the same.

We had some good conversation about stuff. They asked about me, Michael and do I only take photos when the seasons change. Good question but I let them know I take whenever the fancy hits me. They really liked the idea that I was willing to take their picture, sit down, and hang out. I was there about an hour.

So there you have it. I run from my home because of a possible snake and then it turns out to be quite an adventure on a fine fall day, in the park, in Chico.

Snakes Alive!!!!

I am in no way a drama queen, but today apparently this side of me, that I didn't know I had just came right out of me.

I decided to work on the spare room by putting away the boxes that we were going to use to move to Portland, Oregon, but didn't end up using. And then I was going to make the bed that I sometimes sleep in, when I'm having a tough night or need the overhead fan on to keep cool. So in my scan of the room, I thought I'd make the bed first. I tossed the blankets to the ground and then began gathering the sheet bedding, but in doing so I caught something in the corner of my eye. I looked over again...And there near one of the blankets was a foot long snake skin. AAAWWWKKK! I just freaked out. My first thought is where is the snake that used to live in that skin, and secondly, I had been sleeping in that bed the last couple of nights and that just made me freak out even more.

Oh, if it had been a tarantula, I may have freaked out also, but if it had been just a plain ol' spider it wouldn't have meant much to me. Usually, they bite me in the night anyways, so I know they are out to get me. BUT a snake...???

I just detest snakes of all kinds. I don't like them in the pet stores, I don't like them in the museum, I don't even like pictures of them, and I wouldn't eat green eggs and ham with one either. They are just gross to me.

Our friend, Don, has a Boa Constrictor and I will not touch or get near her. I don't make a big deal out of it but I just won't get near her.

But wondering if there is a snake in the house is just freakin' me out and Michael, usually home, is up in Paradise working and I had to ichat with him to let him know what was happening at home.

It was pretty funny and stupid of me to be such a drama queen about it. But I am home now, after having been gone for a couple of hours, so as not to deal with the snake issue. But the spare room door is still closed and I have no idea if there is a snake in there or not.

Anyways, I told Michael that our friend, Don, needs to come over and take care of this snake, if there is one... Let's hope not.

So that is the newest, overly dramatic adventure in my day.

And Interesting Tidbit...

I was at Barnes and Noble today and then headed to the Library to return some books and pick up some new ones. I just love the smell of the library, hearing the beckoning of the books calling my name and the satisfaction of feeling these works of art in my hands, thumbing through their pages and finally making a selection that will suffice my hunger for adventure, for reality, for history, for interesting characters and for my adventure in travel.

But there was something that I read just briefly that stayed with me throughout the rest of my day.

I read the subtitle, 'Have friends replaced families?'

I remember reading it but not paying too much attention to it after the initial intake.

But realizing when I got home I was still thinking about it and as I laid in bed, I was still thinking about it.

Actually, I found it to be quite profound in thought and in question.

My initial thought to the question is a resounding yes. But then I have been having to ask why and what has changed for this to be the new found sense of community and family nucleus?

There are lots of answers to the question I'm sure but my simplistic version, as that's how I think, is that with the breakdown of families, the blending of marriages, and the enormous numbers of divorce, there is little left but with those one associates with and those one would call friends.

Also, with distance, family issues and the lack of real family connections, I think friends have definitely been placed as key roles of support, community and sense of family. Sometimes one may even dare say that one is closer to their friends than their family. There is that sense in friendship, that you can truly be yourself, share all that is in you and not feel completely judged or expectant of meeting certain sets of expectations that families do put on each of us, unbeknownst to themselves, and sometimes to the detriment of that person's make up.

In a way it's a real shame to have to answer that question that way and for it to be true. The nucleus of a family should, if at all possible, still be that place of belonging, acceptance, understanding and development/nurturing of growth and love. But unfortunately, in today's society that is not always the case. But if family is broken then the will and love of friends is a wonderful tie to have and to belong to.

Just like family or a marriage, friendships also need to come to that place of authenticity and not just be all about acceptance, but where accountability and realistic interaction of thoughts, feelings and emotions are challenging the relationship in the purest form. If it's always good, it will at some point crack and crumble and even break apart if not dealt with realistically and authentically.

So, are friends replacing families? Sure they are but not in every case. There are families that are very much intact, loving and real in their deaings with one another. Can friends be more like and replace family? They can if done in a manner that is clearly realistic.

My Husband...

We celebrated 14 years of marriage this past June and let me tell you it's been a crazy, fun, wacky and exciting ride. Oh, there are definite times when it's been hard and trying, but the cool thing is that we'd gone through it together.

I think about my relationship with Michael practically every day. I hope that's a good thing. Because he is the sweetest part of my life, and there is definitely no one else who could understand me, put up with me and spoil me all at the same time like he does!

One of the things I think about when my thoughts are toward Michael and/or our relationship is that he makes me laugh sooo much. There are too many days where my stomach aches just from his being silly, imitating me, or just being the man I love in his uninhibited ways. I just love that I am the only one who gets to see this silly side of him. Though once in awhile it will come out in tidbits to those closest to us.

The laughter doesn't come from jokes or punds or even story telling but...Oh, I don't want to give his secrets away...So I'll just say from his own personality. And what a riot he is!

It is not only the laughter that makes our marriage wonderful but the fact that he reminds me that he is mine and I am his and we are stuck with one another. And then the Seinfeld mushiness comes out...Like my swoopie, my smoopie but we have our own names for one another but I can't divulge that information. It's top secret.

And of course, there are a zillion other things that make our marriage work, endure and amazingly wonderful. I just love to love him and he loves to love me and together we will continue to grow old together until death takes us both. But until then we still have a lot of living to do together and crazy adventures to enjoy with one another and much laughter to be shared between us.

Thank you, Michael, for being my amazing husband, my lover and the other great half of this beautiful union.

I love you, Stripe.

Your Yellow.

The Things of Portland...

It's sad that we are no longer moving to Portland, Oregon. There are so many things about that area that I am going to miss. Visiting will be fun but definitely not the same.

First and foremost, for Michael, it is Stumptown Coffee or for that matter, any of the number of great coffee spots we hit the two times we visited. Thanks to Dustin for that influence! Heh!

Secondly, I was really looking forward to making Ainsworth Church our place of community. It has a small, mixed congregation with an incredible welcoming feeling and place of belonging. And the Black Gospel was to literally die for!!!!

They also have an HIV/AIDS program that the church opens their doors to every day of the week for assistance, food, counseling, companionship, medical help, etc. I was really looking forward to being a part of that wonderful program, and it would have been one way of getting my hands dirty, locally.

Thirdly, would be just the taste of a new town, new city, new state and new environment all away around. Not to mention the wonderful rainy season. There is just so much to do and there are friends that live up that way that I was looking forward to reconnecting with in person. Also there are the amazing, cheap and culturally diverse restaurants that I was looking forward to finding here and there.

I was amazed at how friendly every one was in Oregon. It definitely made me feel at home and welcomed. It beats New York City any day, hands down!!!

And then, of course, there was the living and working with Dustin and Cara with Bola Moyo. But it shall continue on without us having our hands in the cauldron. We will only do what we can, as needed.

So, we shall have new adventures and fun times when we go to visit but it will not be the same as living there. Bummer.

But I know everything will turn out for the best, in whatever means and ways that will look like. Whatever it is...I'm sure it will be full of adventure and a journey to remember.

Thanks, jesus, for taking care of us...

Oh, That Paula Dean!

Now here is someone that is a real kick in the pants! That laughter, the love of food, the love of butter, that personality and so much more.

Lately, I've been wishing I could call her Aunt Paula, or Gramma Paula or Cousin Paula and even Paula, my mother. Or even just be my best next door neighbor, Paula! That would suffice.

If only I could be related to her somehow. Now that would just be heaven on earth! I could imagine the countless hours of time I would spend in her kitchen, watching her cook or helping her taste the end results. Or I could just be the slave that helps clean up after her. No matter, I would just love to know and love her like family.

There aren't too many folk in life that I feel that way about but Paula Dean is surely one of them!

I've been thinking about writing her a personal letter just to let her know these very things. But then I get intimidated thinking she already has a HUGE fan club of men and women who desire the very same thing as me. So, what difference would my letter make in her day?

Oh, but to day dream what she would cook or bake is just a heavenly dream.

She just cracks me up with that laughter, her easy-going spirit, that 'motherly' tendecy in her and the fact that she just gets into her cooking, but better yet tasting all that she cooks.

So, as I write this I think of how silly it is to be putting all of this in words but she's just been on my mind and I thought I'd get it all down now or never.

She is one of the quintessential cooks who make cooking more than a chore. She is up there with Julia child's and Jacque Pepin. Okay, Rachel Ray is pretty close to tops too.

Enough of my drooling and star dazing...Paula Dean is equal to Kitty of 'That 70's Show.' in terms of her laughter. Too much!

Oh, Paula Dean where art thou?

I've Become Blind...

When I think of someone getting old, I don't think of myself.

Have I gone mad? Have I gone blind?

What makes one old in the eyes of another?

When did I begin to realize that I am no longer 25?

What possessed me to remind myself of what I feel like and not what my age may give away?

When did the laugh lines begin to form down and no longer up?

Where in the world does the concept of aging gracefully come from?

Why is there is a difference of standard for aging women versus men?

Why do most women tend to age more uh, shall we say less beautiful with age?

Is this god's sense of humor toward women?

Or was it to continue to boost men's egos up until the very the end?

I sure hope my being Asian will truly be an advantage to me, and so far it has, but will I be one of the lucky ones who ages with beauty over time? Or just the opposite?

Yikes! Imagine me at 65! Hello, world here I come! Wrinkles, flab, gray haired, saggier eyelids, salt and peppered moustache between the nose and upper lip, and a triple chin.

Good thing I already had a face lift before all these things could happen to me at 40. If only I could have afforded to...

So, I guess I've become blind as the years have gone by, but I guess it's helped in the sanity department. Too much too soon would have pushed me over the edge. And not a moment too soon.

So, the secret to aging is not acknowledging it all and just imagining oneself when viewed in a mirror that 'I am the fairest of them all.'

I don't think I will be able to keep up that mantra but hey, I'm alive and that counts for something!

So Odd...photo by don campbell

It's so odd to feel like adding a writing about pumpkins and friends and life, followed by my last piece showing a photo of death. But I guess this is just a good example of how we must cope with such things, and why the need to 'go on with life', as we'd drive ourselves crazy with such news daily. I feel guilty but realize it's a must for my spirit. So here it goes...

Michael and I had a tradition that we started when we were both in college, at Chico State, and actually kept up until last year. We would have a pumpkin carving party with friends and lots of food. Sometimes we did it on Halloween night, in the early days, and then as time went by we did it when dates were available for our friends.

So far, we've only talked about having a carving party but no date set yet. And next Saturday, just days way from Halloween, we will not be in town, so it just might not happen again this year. But... Michael and I were talking about maybe changing our little tradition. We thought why not do it after Halloween? It's still fall and pumpkins are still part of the Thanksgiving holidays, so I think we will start with this new tradition. And I'm looking forward to it. We decided instead of spooky things we'll just carve out horns of plenty and a turkey. Yea, right! LOL!

Anyways, we are looking forward to doing something different and new.

Sometimes It's Too Much...photo by AP

I have gone through times of keeping up with the world news and then realizing it's all the same crap, the same people, the same disasters that kill, the same kinds of wars, the same idiotic stuff that man does to man, as well as nature to it's land masses. So, then I turn it off for awhile and feel much better. But then I realize I feel better because I don't have to deal with it. It's as if I can just live my life and let others live their lives and that will be that and I should be happy.

But unfortunately, turning off the news from the tv or the radio doesn't stop this ol' brain from wondering how many children have died this week, what country is struggling to provide for its people, those countries at war how many more deaths and are they nearer to a resolution? Probably not.

So, now I keep up with the news via BBC World News. It seems to give a much better and less filtered version of the news than the States.

But it is also heartbreaking to constantly hear the death tolls rise, the amount of displaced peoples increase, the number of children affected, and the urgent cry of the United Nations urging for more help than they are capable of.

Death is an interesting thing because on one hand it is this terrible loss for those who are still living, yet as time goes by the person(s) who have passed do just that pass. Those living, whether we push the death deep down or whather we have resolved ourselves of that person(s) death. But I think either way, as humans, our nature is to 'go on with life' which is what everyone says you need to do, but then it seems that we almost forget or no longer acknowledge the person(s) that died in our lives.

I'm not quite sure how to explain it but it just seems to me, and with my own little experience with death, it is pretty damn easy to forget about those who died. I'm embarrassed to admit this but it's true. Perhaps it would be different, and I hope it would if I had lost a child or a spouse, or family members. I just don't know.

But before I get myself in trouble, I'm realizing what I'm really speaking of are those who die everyday from poverty, disease, malnutrition, violence, homelessness, old age, and who die with no new person reporting their deaths. These deaths are just one more number in the human death toll.

It's just difficult for me to know that so many people of this world, die without the love of a family, of friends or a community. They simply perish without any one person identifying them as a friend, a person of their community, a father, an uncle, a sister or a mother.

Sometimes it's just too much for me to fathom and I struggle with wanting to create something for these very people. But the deaths are just too great in number and the ability to meet each of these people is unrealistic. But I hope to create something, someday for those who are nameless in death.

I don't know what it will be but I hope someday to do something so that these lives are not in vain.

Depression....

I'm awake and thinking about my nephew who struggles with deep depression. I am saddened. I can only imagine what his parents and sister are going through. Perhaps his sister doesn't really know how to deal with this, as she is only in junior high. But then maybe she does. I'd like to think she is handling it okay but something tells me she is not and is not able to vocalize her fears her thoughts or her ability to really comprehend what this disease is like for her brother. And what it means for her, and her parents. To live with a family member who has depression is one thing, but to truly understand it in all contexts seems quite another.

I know my nephew is hanging in there as he is on meds, seeing a counselor and has the incredible support of his family. For this I am extremely thankful. But he has also allowed me into his head, his heart and his darkness through his writing. It is not so dark to me, as I can relate to what some of his writings are expressing. But there are deeper writings that suggest such a place that no one else can even go without having this disease.

Having been in Student Ministry at Chico State, I was able to have first hand experience with much of this dark side with several students of mine, who struggled greatly with the darkside of life. But with a lot of help, meds, counseling and unconditional support, they both have come through much of this darkness. But unfortunately, it is a disease that is lifelong and easily resurfaces before one has had a chance to get a grip on it once again.

So, I pray for the longevity of this disease with my nephew and pray for stability for as long as possible. Hoping to not crawl to the other side where the demons truly call one's name.

I pray for all who struggle with depression whether in the form of clinical, bipolar or deep depression, that each one may have the help they need and the support necessary to get through each of these dark times.

To my nephew...I know you can pull through this...And I will continue to support you no matter where you are.

Return To The Familiar...poem by kim

There comes a time when the soul must wander into new territory
Sometimes that new territory is familiar

Familiar because one has tread upon its dusty roads, slept upon its cemented floors, taken up residence with a familiar people
Familiarity as common as spoken words, tribal songs, shared life, experienced death, and danced without hesitation

When the soul finds its place of familiarity, it seeks out greater experiences than it once had before
Not because it disliked those experiences prior, but simply to be reminded why the soul has returned from time apart and why it now desires the love it has been distant from

The soul is reminded of sunrises, sunsets, windswept days, smells not so foul to them, laughter in the distance, wailing of death in the evening air, footprints going and returning from the village market, rickety buses expanded by the life of chickens, the freshness of fruits, the wreaking of sweat, the loudness of the roaring engine, the crampness of lives touching so closely and so familiar.

Music is universal and so too is a rhythmic soul
Clapping, smiling, laughing, drums beating, the circle of life unbreakable, children observing their elders,
dogs barking in unison, the earth moving in joyous sound and thunderous movement

There comes a time when the soul will experience far more than it can handle
Though laughter is present, so too is the reality of life so limited, sometimes so harsh, and death is inevitable, regardless where the soul wanders

But what shame that the soul must experience death in a manner that is victimizing, rampant, a terrorist among
the throng of people
It is a means to an end with no real understanding of its purpose
Mothers, fathers, aunt, uncles, grandparents and children will see the end of their lives
Greater number of mothers and fathers will lose their lives early
Grandparents will be left with the children to raise unless they too leave this earth before the children have had
time to grow up in life
The children will wonder what will become of them if all have left them, with nothing to help carry them to their future

Oh, the children...The future without AIDS
Their lives so innocent, so refreshingly alive, and yet what will become of them
Who will dry their tears, who will comfort them during a thunderstorm, who will embrace them when their soul is weary
What will become of them
Does anybody know
Does anybody care

Sometimes the soul must wander into new territory
Sometimes that new territory is familiar
It is the soul that will find a way to help these people to help themselves in living a better life
It is the soul that will need to teach, educate, demonstrate, implement ways that they, the children, the grandparents, those left behind and not afflicted by the enemy of AIDS
It is the soul that must find ways to deplete the destruction of AIDS to so many
and yet other enemies will come calling though they are not welcomed, though they may be familiar

What greater value is there of one's future, the children, as they carry on with the traditions, the culture, the language, the stories, the history
So it must be said that the familiar ways the very soul has interpreted is as their own people, their own families, their own sisters, brothers, aunt, uncles, grandparents, their own likeness yet a world and many miles away from their own

Though the soul is strong in many ways, it simply cannot take on all that is before it, without the asking of other hands, hearts, prayers and resources
The soul is weak without these others
The soul will simply crumble among the monstrosity of the familiar and the enemies
The familiar desires the soul but not for the price of its death, whether in spirit, money, government or in body
The familiar relishes the love and the embracing from the soul in whatever regard

Familiarity is spiritual, is worthy, is appreciative, is a presence so unlike something the soul could ever experience and forget

There comes a time when the soul must wander into new territory
Sometimes that new territory is familiar
The soul asks nothing more than the familiar

Suppose to Rain Tomorrow...Will it?

Fall has not really come forth to Chico just yet. It seems to be taking it's time and choosing the Indian Summer to remain as long possible. I do like Indian Summer, but I'd prefer fall.

So, the ol' weatherman says it's going to rain tomorrow in Chico. I sure hopes so. It would just clear things out, make things look greener, make the air smell delicious with Fall and my mind will be tricked in getting out my warm and cozy blankets, sweats, sweatshirts and slippers.

But it's still suppose to be in the low/mid 80's even the day after the rain tomorrow. What is up with that?

But my true excitement comes when winter hits. Oh, how I love winter. It's the smell, the rains, the cold air, the constant rains, the fog, the loss of leaves, the air of holidays to come.

Winter is so comforting to me. Perhaps it speaks to my melancholy spirit but it also lifts me up to no end.

I'm sure I'm one of very few who deal well with winter. And I'm sorry for those who really struggle with it. I suppose summer is much like to me as winter is to others. Truly.

Particularly summers in Chico. It's just too D..... hot and we don't' have central heat and air. So i feel like I suffer greatly. But oh, poor me. Good grief!

Will it rain tomorrow? That's really my question and my request.

Whatever Happens to You

The Didache

My child, flee from all evil and from everything resembling it. Do not get angry, for anger leads to murder. My child, do not grumble, for this leads to blasphemy; be gentle-minded, for those of a gentle mind shall possess the earth. Be patient and have a loving heart.

Do not be one who stretches out his hands to receive but closes them when it comes to giving. If you have earned something by the work of your hands, pass it on as a ransom for your sins. Do not turn away from those who are in need, but share all things in common with your brother.

Your heart shall not cling to the high and mighty, but turn to the good and humble folk. Accept as good whatever happens to you or affects you, knowing that nothing happens without God.

Source: "The Early Christians," ed. by Eberhard Arnold

The Sounds of Life...poem by kim

Listen here.

Still your footsteps for one moment.

Stop your breathing for the moment so as not to interfere with the other sounds of life.

Do you hear the water trickle from the stream, as it makes it way around twigs and pebbles?

Close your eyes to catch the sounds of a butterfly flitter from one flower to the next.

Still your heart to the beat of drumming tribes.

Halt your mind from whizzing by this way or that way.

Open your mind to the sounds of a child being born this very moment.

Tune your ears to the wind as it whispers gently across the face of a parent working in the fields.

Slow your hands so they hear the footsteps of your child running into your arms.

Calm your spirit as it wonders what all the noise is about.

Whisper to your spirit that the sounds of life are to lift you away to places unknown.

Whisper to the spirits of others that you have come to enjoy the sounds of their lives.

Speak deeply to your soul so that it may be comforted by the aching cries within you.

Call to jesus that his spirit will free you to venture to sounds of the lives of others.

Listen here.

Come my way to be quieted and given peace of the sounds of your life.

Listen here.

Plant your footsteps in my path that will halt the sounds of your fears.

Listen here.

Abide here.

The Depth of This Soul...

The depth of this soul wants more than anything to get beyond the craziness of life, as I know it in suburbia and wealthy america.

The depth of this soul seeks groundbreaking, heartbreaking, hands-on purpose for this life that has been given to me freely, simply and purposefully. But now that I've fulfilled the purpose of my enjoying the extravagance of my wealthy life, I am ready to give up all that I have for the experience of looking into the eyes of children who are having to survive a life of extreme poverty. America truly has it's share, and I too want to experience this, but with as wealthy a country as ours, there really is simply no need or justification for such conditions to exist.

But to look to poorer countries it too is astonishing that they allow such conditions. But some how it seems easier to not blame them, their government, their agencies for their lack of programs, the lack of looking ahead, instead of the present situations. Perhaps it is because they are poor economically, that survival exists only for the present, not the future in their minds. Perhaps also because they know that wealthier countries will come bearing aid in every shape or form. I'm confused by what they expect and what they aspire to in their lands and simply waiting for the help to come is unfortunately, indicative of an unhealthy governmental system throughout. Like America isn't unhealthy! Yeah, right.

Anyways, the depth of this soul desires to jump ship for awhile and see how the other side of the world lives. I have malnutrition embedded in my brain, I have children's faces flash in and out of my mind, throughout the day, I have the urge to scream for resources and money from those in my life so that I can get to where I need to be...holding the fragile body of a child, whose parent(s) have passed from HIV/AIDS and whose own body is withering away from poverty, infection, malnutrition.

In my dreams I have seen myself holding me. I know that sounds weird. But there are photos of me when I was an infant, in the Vietnamese orphanage, with my stomach distended, my limbs extremely thin, and my body struggling for survival. It's as if I am holding myself, or jesus or some other child whose name I do not know.

The depth of my soul yearns for such an experience, not just once but for the rest of my lifetime.

If we can not feed the depth of our souls then why acknowledge our souls at all.

Jesus, Please....

Jesus, please...Grant me my wish to see, taste and experience this ravaged world that I live in. I plea with you to give me the opportunity to travel to not just one country, one village or one refugee camp, but to many countries and many, many villages and refugee camps where I can hold the hands of children, see the stories in their eyes, smile for those who have no reason to smile, to hear the sound of laughter because that helps get them through a part of their day.

Jesus, I plea with you to grant me the time, the money and the resources to go and visit these children I speak of, your children.
Please, Jesus, please.

I don't think I have wanted or desired anything more in my life than to be among your children in every condition imaginable.

I again, ask of you this request that comes from the deepest, most precious area of my soul.

Jesus, please.....again, here is the prayer you so simply gave to me one day in a past writing. I believe it speaks with great volume of my heart and my desires. No, we are not able to have our own children I understand more than I'd like to know, and yes, adoption is still a possibility, but if nothing else, I ask and pray for you, your will to give me the desire of my heart to place my feet on the many lands of these children all over the world. I then will understand that these children will be called our own. Jesus, please....

Aching heart your fears are valid
Aching couple your desires have been heard

Do as you are asked to do and I will grant you with my ultimate joy and peace
It may not look like what you had in mind, but bear with me as I continue to work in you both

Your hearts will be enflamed with children from many worlds, many places and backgrounds
Your hearts will take hold of such faces, such conditions that will feel like they are your own

These children are your own, in a way that you will forever change the path of their lives
These children are your own, in a way that will fulfill you like no other

Continue to wait for me
Continue to follow me
Continue to have faith in me
Continue on the path I have called you to and you will be given your hearts' desires

Know it's my timing, not yours
Know I relish you both in ways that make me proud
Know that I have plans for you and the ones that you love, whether they are yours or anothers'

I'm listening
I'm here
I'm all that you need

Not Just One Village or Country...photo by helen caux

I have had much time to think about what it is I truly want to do with my life and what possibilities are out there for me to do and take on.

It is with great urgency and my heart's cry that I not work with just one village or one country but to be able to fully understand the impact of the world's children in all reaches of our vast land.

I realize that there are so many of these children that I so desire to meet face to face and to find a way to say, you will be okay, somehow.

There are millions upon millions of refugee children and their families in Afghanistan, in Pakistan, in Cambodia, in India, in Africa, in Haiti, in Columbia, etc and all of these children either have their families or they are alone in a refugee camp, hoping one day to find their parents and rest of families. More often then not, much of these refugees have to move from one camp to another, with miles upon miles between each camp. Not only with out food, water or supplies, but the terrible danger of being killed, raped or bought into slavery. Or worse, taken their identification paperwork, that they had received at the last refugee camp. Without these papers, they can not prove who they are and where they came from. This is worse than being in a refugee camp. Because you are left to fend for yourself and prone to being prey to the Taliban, the paramilitary or the Bandistas or simply death's door called survival.

But in the end, it's all about the children, as they are the future of our nations, whom we are neighbors with, whether we like it or not. And because of the pandemic of the world's conditions from drought, war, to starvation, to HIV/AIDS and threatening diseases, these children need the help of all nations so that we can help them out of their dire conditions. So they can be the rulers and the movers and shakers of the next generation, and in hopes that it will be a better world than they have come to know.

I am not interested in just one village or country as I've stated but to be in the middle of seeing all children receive what they need in order to survive their current and future conditions.

This is my life's challenge and I will continue to seek out ways to be in the middle of it all.

There is no reason for me to live this comfortable life when others struggle for just the basic necessities of life.

I've lived, I've enjoyed and now it is time to give back all that I've been gifted so as not to live my life in vain.

Touched By Your Lives....photo by cara pattison

I've seen your faces over and over.

I've spoken to you in my dreams, putting my hands in yours.

In my dreams I've laughed with you, cried with you, listened to your horror stories of your country, your families, yourself.

I've been shown the scars of life in each of your stories.

You've shown me the hope of today, yet the worries of your tomorrows are not far behind.

If only I could personally meet you face to face, instead of through the photos and the stories others tell of you.

Seeing the image of your faces is engraved in my mind, yet I have no idea who each of you are.

Will I ever be able to truly hold you in my arms?

Will I ever be able to take in your sweet smell of childhood?

I still hope for that day when my feet will step upon your land and search for you by name, by village.

As you can see, I've been touched by your very lives.

Angelina Jolie...Now, Samantha Smith...Then

Angelina Jolie is an Ambassador to Refugees through the UN. She is working hard and making news around the world. What I would give to work alongside her and among those she has been sent to by the United Nations.

I've always wanted to be an ambassador like those I've read about for so many years.

I remember in the very early 80's there was a young girl, about 10 maybe, who had written a letter to Soviet president Yuri Andropov about wanting peace on earth to the people of his country and the world.

This letter got wind and she instantly was granted as a Young Ambassador to the Soviet Union.

I remember thinking how wonderful and brave she was to have dared to write such a letter to such a big leader of the day.

Only 10 and shaking things up...what a hero.

I envied her and yet she unfortunately died a year or two later. Cause of death was a plane crash with she and her father.

Here name was Samantha Smith. I do remember the impact she had made on the world and in my life.

It's people like her who dare to dream and dare to make a difference in the only way they know how...through their voice.

I've learned a lot and have admired this child then and still in death.

A legacy she has left this world and to me also.

Where ever you may be...know that you truly made an incredible and brave impact on a world that was and is still at war with others.

May the peace you had dreamed about one day come true and be realized before the world comes to its end.