Can't Sleep...

I went to bed to read a little bit before shutting my ol' eyes for sleep heaven. But to no avail, I still was reading, and enjoying my book. About the Children's Blizzard of 1887-1888. It is called the children's blizzard, because it was when most of the children of the Northern most prairie zones of America were heading to school, as it had been the first warm day in their winter season. So, not only husbands, wives and livestock were out on this beautiful day, but thousands upon thousands of children were out and about as well. But I haven't actually gotten to the blizzard day, just about there though. Regardless, this book is so interesting, historical and poignant.

My husband came in to check on me, to see if I had fallen asleep reading, and to turn my light off for me. But I was still awake, which was rare for me. Normally, I'm in snoozeville and have no idea he even came in to kiss me good night again. But tonight I got hug and kiss him again. Yeah for me! But boohoo for not sleeping. When Michael left the room, I thought I'd fall asleep soon after, but found I was not sleepy at all. So I picked up the book again to begin where I left off. But this proved useless, as my mind was whirling a mile a minute at this point. So, here I am writing cause I can't sleep.

I'm thinking about our upcoming Tahoe weekend with close friends. Michael turned 40 this August and he is not much for big bashes, and since I know him so well, I asked him what he'd like to do for his big 4.0. I had suggested renting a cabin and having some friends to hang with. He loved this idea - for one, Tahoe is 'our' place to runaway. Secondly, a cabin with just friends? That was ideal for him. So, I look forward to getting things together for this weekend to come. We are going to party in style! But most of all just catch up and enjoy some of our closest friends, in Tahoe no less!

I'm also thinking about all the things I want to get rid of in our house. Sell our piano, sell our big tv, go through all our books and pare down, also our cd's, clean up/out my side of the office. It is still a mess from the last time I had cleaned it, and then went to look for something and began pulling things out left and right and never returning things back to where I had initially organized them to be. Pure laziness on my part. And thinking I'd get to it manana. But tomorrow came and went and it still looks the same. Blecch!

Then there is the is the Bola Moyo fundraising we're about to embark on with Dustin and Cara in a few weeks, and I have things I need to do, and maybe art to do for it and things to think through so it is good and not shoddy.

And then there are the thoughts about my two nephews, one 24 and the other 15, who both struggle with deep depression. The oldest one is Bipolar and the younger just found out this year that he is severely depressed. But how proud I am of both of them for talking about their illness with me, and other family members. And particularly the younger one is writing poetry and helping me to see what he sees of himself and feels within himself. the Darkness that plagues him daily. He is not a typical candidate of someone with severe depression per his doctors, therapists and others in the medical profession. And I can see for myself that he is not a typical candidate. Perhaps in age, but not in manner or intellect. He is reading fervently about his illness and trying to find a way to understand it better, intelligently and to be sure to have open communication about. He has a greater chance at overcoming this illness than someone of his age and illness not doing these things. He is aware of this is desires to get better and to sustain a healthy life as he gets older. I am so proud of him. And I also know that if my older nephew had not been diagnosed prior to him, he would not be fairing as well as he is. So I am thankful for what has taken place despite the immense pain and struggles these two have had to endure and will continue to endure for some time. I know my parents have been instrumental in the well-being of my older nephew. They were and continue to be there for him during this time in his life. Encouraging him in every way necessary. And because of this, I believe he has been instrumental in helping my younger nephew to get through this time not alone. Explaining what happens, what may happen, what will happen, how one may feel in various stages, etc. This has been wonderful for the younger one. Thank goodness!
I believe they both will be able to work through this illness and be able to feel healthy and alive again. It may and will take time but I know and believe it will be done.

Okay, so now that I've gotten all the things out of my head, that had prevented me from sleeping, I guess it is time for me to try returning to bed and falling under the sleep spell. Let's hope it works. Otherwise, I guess I will be reading until the wee hours. And napping tomorrow.

Good night!

40 and So Young Looking...

Posted by: kimthanh

HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY, MY HUNNA!!

The card he just had taken out of the envelope sounds an obnoxious siren when opened. Letting everyone know that he has waaaaay too many candles to blow out and the poor firemen had to come out to put the ol' fire out.

Of course, I am the one who gave him this card and embarrassed him. Hey, that's what a wife is suppose to do, right? RIGHT! = )

Anyways, he gets two parties this year...

Just to be sure I posted a picture of the cute and very young-looking 40 year old so he wouldn't forget what he looked like at this age. Heh!

He still gets carded...Imagine that!

Ashes, Dust, Life...poem by kim

Life begins with a breath
Exhale
Inhale
Draw in what you need

Life plays out individually
Some share tall tales
Some share interesting tales
Others will share sad tales
More will no longer have a tale to tell

Life ends for each of us
Some unexpectedly
Some with celebration
She with terror
He with weakness
They with understanding
The little one unknowing

Life means something different for each of us
It was exuberant
It was interesting
It was nonexistent
Others it meant little
Others it was colorful

Life is a different color to each of us
Some saw red
Some saw African sky orange
She saw the purple of old age
He saw the yellow of a cornfield
They saw the grey of a gun barrel

Some say life and death are really the same
I used to not fathom such talk
But now I see how it could be
Life is fullness
Death is having had the fullness of life
And to remain fulfilling even past death

How could that be one may ask
I don't pretend to know
But if life is living, death is dying
then passing on must lead you to somewhere or something
Yes?
No?
I don't know...

Life
Death
Ashes
Dust
Still alive and with fullness
You, me us, they, them
Scatter where we long to return

To the sea
To the mountains
To a loved one
To home, wherever that may be
or in whom it may be

Constant Gardner...more than just a movie

We took in the 4:20 p.m. showing of Constant Gardner. I kept thinking this was going to be the new Bill Murray movie, though it had been told to me that that movie was only playing at the Paradise theatre. Duh. Anyways, I was told last night that I should look online to find out about the Constant Gardner. I am soooo glad I didn't. I went in seeing the movie with no expectations and came out with a heart filled with awe, a greater desire and fully entertained in a very creative manner.

I could see this being an Oscar or Cannes Film Winner if not favorite. I had to remind myself that this was a UK film, not an American film using British actors. Excellent movie! I wouldn't mind having a copy of this movie for myself.

It is so strange, I used to think it weird that people would make copies or buy copies of a movie they had just seen. I could not figure why one would want to see a movie AGAIN, much less twenty times or more. But then I guess I've finally gotten on the band wagon and have found myself asking for movies that I have enjoyed immensely. Though I'd say I'm probably more selective than most movie buffs. And I can't even call myself a movie buff. We rarely see movies, but when we do, it seems we see some really great ones. Okay, maybe Elf and Meet the Fockers don't count on the 'really good' scale, but they did have entertainment value for me, at least.

The other movie that I wouldn't mind owning is Motorcycle Diaries. Most movies I enjoy have the element of poignant human experiences.

I know there are thousands of movies out there that I have yet to see and can never remember what they are except when i enter a video store, wishing I could take every single one I find. And then bring them home and have a month-long marathon of movies of others' experiences. But that never seems to work out, and then I feel guilty about wasting time in front of a tv, when there is plenty of other things that need to get done.

That's why I don't watch tv during the day time. It just seems like a waste of time. I think I just need to get over this stupid guilt thing.

After Katrina occurred, I kept wondering why tv and radio were playing up-beat things, and not continuously talking about the victims and the horrific situation our countrymen/women/children found themselves in Katrina's aftermath.

But then I realized we are a country and perhaps a world, where when disaster occurs, there is still 'everyday' life that goes on for those who have not been fully affected by whatever disaster took place. It's as if we need something to distract ourselves of the reality of any given situation.

In one way I am appalled by this behavior, but it's apparently typical. But then again, I can understand perhaps the need for diverting our attention on a comedy, a drama a sports game, a thriller, an action-packed picture so that we still realize we are okay, that life apparently does go on, even in the midst of a horrible disaster.

But when I think worldwide, everyday there is some abominable situation that takes place every minute of every day. Raping, a murder, a bombing, poverty, starvation, a drought, HIV/AIDS, tuberculosis, malaria, raiding of villages, prostitution, slavery, onslaught of some form of terror.

And though the U.S. definitely has its share of murder, homicides, rapes, killings, slavery, prostitution, and poverty, it is still difficult for me to not see the graveness of third world countries who know what struggling truly means. Not that people in America don't, and I don't proceed to negate our grave conditions, BUT the difference is that we are an extremely wealthy, thought stupid country who should be taking better care of our people. But power and money have made us just as corrupt as any third world nation, struggling with similar but even more horrific and catastrophic situations on a daily basis.

So to be sitting in front of a theatre screen or the tube, it's not far away from me the images, of across the world, and even in my own back yard, the struggles of humanity. How very sad it is and I have to work at not letting it get to me. It's difficult though.

So, as I mentioned, I see the need for an entertainment value in our lives so that we can be reminded that we are okay. History shows during wars, during Hiroshima, during the Holocaust, during the San Francisco fires, during the Loma Prieta earthquake, during 9/11, during the Tsunami and more recently during hurricane Katrina, we needed some form of entertainment value to get us through it all. BUT it sucks to know that I am okay, when a child in Sao Paulo, in Vietnam, in India, in Iran, in Africa are just one breath away from their own deaths. But it is the reality of things and I am only one person who is striving to put my passions in to action, by getting involved.

What are you doing to get involved in the fate of our humanity, at home or across the world?

Don't just sit there. Don't be complacent, and don't be socially unaware or without action.

www.one.org
www.data.org
www.amnesty.org
www.care.org
www.un.org
www.who.int/en
www.mercycorps.org
www.oxfam.org
www.savethechildren.org
www.usaid.gov
www.doctorswithoutborders.org
www.idealist.org
www.globalexchange.org
www.heiferinternational.org
www.undp.org
www.nelsonmandela.org
www.46664.tiscali.com
www.globalaidsalliance.org
www.unaids.org
www.worldbank.org/poverty
www.pactworld.org
www.redcross.org
www.salvationarmy.org
www.globalvolunteer.org

Will It Never End?

Posted by: kimthanh

This image is so powerful and yet the reality of HIV/AIDS.

How many years will it take for it to finally just be another part of history, and there to be no more suffering and deaths of children, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles?

Oh I wish I knew...

But I know I can't just sit idly by and let it happen without some form of action from myself.

I don't want to look back on my life and see that there were things that I could have done to help alleviate pain and suffering of others, but I felt just too much guilt and too much responsibility that it immobilized me to take any form of action.

I wish never to be thought of that way. Nor go to my death under the notion that I could have tried to do something, though it may not have saved the world, but if I could have held the life of one dying, comforted the parent of the child dying or cared for the children whose parent is dying or even fed a cup of water to a thirsty and dehydrated person, that would suffice for me the only need of existence of my life. I would have to be kidding myself if I said that I wished I had done more to 'save' a whole nation, an entire village, a group of children, but as I live my life today, I only need to know that I more than striving to do something, I am literally getting my hands dirty in some tangible way that is one on one with another in need.

Let not this image continue to be the future representation of these nations in need. Let there be restoration in these lives so that the future of these countries can and will prosper with integrity.

The Reality...

Posted by: kimthanh

This is what AIDS has done to this child, and like so many in Africa it is invading at an extraordinary rate that there will so many more who die because we (me, you, us, them) could not save them in time.

Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles all affected in ways that is punishable only by death. Particularly for those in rural areas of Africa, where water, food, electricity and trained, medical personnel and ARV's are all but available to these most unfortunate people.

AIDS is slowly gaining success in the larger regions of Africa and that is wonderful news, but it will be years before it can reach truly all that are in need of the drugs to help delay the speed of which one dies and perhaps remain alive if treated early on, the food that is necessary to take along with the much needed medication.

If we look back at the America's history when HIV/AIDS first came on the scene of our society, we were much in denial, it was considered a plague to most, it was the 'others' issue, it was a gay person's issue, it then became a matter on the American conscience. Then money and support came at a very rapid rate, once it was better understood. But we've had an immense advantage over those countries who are and have been struggling with HIV/AIDS for many years already. In many of these countries, much of the spread of HIV/AIDS has affected much of the rural areas, where medical and food and supplies are difficult to attain due to conditions of poverty and resources. In America, the land of milk and honey, as Mrs. Malunga stated in a letter to our two friends, D and C, that we have had a wealth of resources to find ways to fight this horrible disease. Unlike much of the rest of the world.

So, it is not fair to say that Africans, East indians, Spaniards, Haitians deserve what they got, HIV/AIDS. Because if that is what it is all about, America also truly got what it deserved, but to say that is like omitting the rest of the world. Because as humanity, we have all made some horrible decisions that have caused a world-wide epidemic and continue to make decisions that cost lives, not only our own. But unlike America, the other nations have little or no resources to receive and deal with the crisis at hand. So, why aren't more Americans concerned and doing mored to help these nations in this pandemic? I believe we are afraid. We are more concerned with our own lives, and also believe that many Americans feel that these other nations need to take care of their own. But then you ask the question of HOW? How are they to do that? Why can't America and the other wealthy nations help also? Go beyond the initial giving of our dollars? Why not lend our expertise, our connections with pharmaceutical companies, our status, our power?

The G8 was a great starter, but I think it seems like it maybe running out of steam. Perhaps it's not so much the people, as it is the enormity of the task ahead currently and the future. But I think it also has to do with the political games that end up being played for some damn reason or another. Why can't it be more simpler than we make it out to be?
Getting help that is and putting the money where it was stated it would be designated? What is so difficult about it? Is there really that much corruption within the wealthy nations that we are all unable to do the right thing and proportion the money where it need go? And the legal system be led without a hitch? Is it truly that impossible? I just don't understand. Perhaps I am naive. It wouldn't be the first time, nor the last. But more than anything, I think I am just too idealistic for the matters of the world. Me and thousands of others, I'm sure.

I am doing what I can, by getting truly involved in the cause of Africa, but hope not to end there most certainly, but include Vietnam, India, Haiti, Brazil, etc. It just can't stop with the last destination, because there will always be others in need of something. And as long as I have breath and passion for others, I want so much to be used in these lives in whatever way possible that I can.

I don't want to be simply a donator of my dollars, I want to envelope myself within all of these peoples I have spoken of. Until I take my last breath...

Water within Poverty...photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

I remember when I took this photo. Bola Moyo's Board had taken a break from a morning of meeting and took time out for the park.

We were all just sitting around, talking and enjoying one another.

And this view caught my eyes as I was basking in the warm sun.

It almost seemed indictative seeing the sweating cup of water (that was given freely to me, and refills would have been abundant if we had remained in the local coffee shop) alongside the background image of the book on ending poverty.

I know sometimes we can get so caught up in what we have and what others do not, and I beleive it is a healthy view to keep in mind and not be used in a manner that depicts or points out the very situation. But like Paul Farmer, when not working in Haiti, be it Paris or London, he too would dine in expensive restaurants, as well as drinking a very expensive bottle of wine. But as in the book, Paul states that he too enjoys the finer things in life. It is not sin to nor even wrong to enjoy those things that have been given to us abundantly. But it is when we we take for granted the needs of others whether in our own town or across the world, that we are then guilty of not being conscious of other's economical situations.

Though this picture paints a thousand or more words in many eyes, it is disheartening to me to know that we have such conditions that still exist in this vast world. That with the shere number of bright, educated, resourceful people, governments and political systems, that we would have enough to go around to all persons of this world. But that is not the reality of things. And what a poor bastard of a society we are that we can let others live in such squalor and in want with out blinking an eye.

I've wondered what I would do if I had all the money in the world to provide, to supply as the demand is needed and to continue reproducing those things that are working and improve on those that aren't.

I've learned that to have that kind of money, one would need to continue to find ways for it to make itself increase more over so that the giving would never be just a one time gift, but an ongoing system of providing when and where needed.

I look forward to working in our area of passion with Bola Moyo. To know that my heart desires to see the people of Malawi live a better and more purposeful life, and to see the future, the children, become who they are meant to be in their homes, their village, their country, and what more they will be able to do for their country given the chance to live, to eat, to produce gardens necessary for food and taking their medicines.

How I dream about the day when Michael and I will see with our own eyes the people of Malawi, and what they are doing and can do to help their own.

For Bola Moyo to simply have the means to help them, be it in every aspect of their needs, is flabbergasting to me but also thriling to know that we will have supporters who also hear, see and feel our passion for the people of Malawi and we can in taking this journey together will be amazing.


Take a look at WWW.ONE.ORG
"WE BELIEVE that in the best American tradition of helping others help themselves, now is the time to join with other countries in a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world overcome AIDS and extreme poverty. WE RECOGNIZE that a pact including such measures as fair trade, debt relief, fighting corruption and directing additional resources for basic needs' education, health, clean water, food, and care for orphans' would transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries, at a cost equal to just one percent more of the US budget. WE COMMIT ourselves - one person, one voice, one vote at a time - to make a better, safer world for all."

Swearing To No End...

Well, I have noticed a trend in my writings lately and that is the use of profanity, swear words, four-letter words, words my parents told me never to say, words that i actually do not like, myself. Okay, maybe there is just one word that is: SHIT. That is truly the only word I use in the more surprising situations or emotional undoing.

But for some reason, with the liberation from the church life, though not from god, I have apparently given myself permission to swear like there is no tomorrow, particulalry when it comes to writing. I am even more so daring in my writing than in talk. But occasionally some of those cuss words that I detest do come spewing out of this ol' mouth.

So, I have resolved to just using the four-letter words only when really necessary or when needing to be emphatic about something or an event, etc.

I'll admit, to swear so easily is fun and releases some amount of endorphins that just don't seemed to get used in any other way.

But then I was remembering that I used to play tennis competatively and that WAS my release. I could be as angry or frustrated about whatever and somehow hitting that little Wilson tennis ball somehow made things better. But since I am physically limited, I don't have that kind of outlet any longer.

This summer, swimming laps seemed to be the next best thing to my tennis days. But the local pools closed for the season so that ended that.

Anyways, I'm just babbling on but I needed to address myself on this matter so that I need not be someone that I am not-a swearing sailor. Is swearing sailor right? Or do I have my sayings turned around and completely mixed up? Probably the latter. Oh well, maybe I'll figure it out one of these days.

Taking The Higher Road...

If I have learned anything in my life, is that deciding to take the Higher Road when dealing with sticky situations, is NEVER easy, and some times just down right SHITTY!

The biblical saying of turn the other cheek sucks too, but it is true. Taking the higher road is also true and as I have found, to be very necessary.

I don't remember learning this in kindergarten, which would have been a great thing to know and do between then and the rest of one's life. But for whatever reason it was not quite as an important subject as learning one's ABCs or playing well with others. But it seems it sure would have helped in learning how to play with others if this specific lesson could have been learned. Oh well...

But the many times I have had to AND chosen to...taking the higher road...is so that there could peace in my chaotic life, peace within my soul that I was doing the right thing, peace in knowing that the situation could then take the next smaller steps it needed in being resolved, and then peace in knowing that god called me to make amends even when I didn't/don't want to or would rather had chosen an alternate route or completely ignored the damn situation.

But it also seems, to me anyways, that in having taken the higher road, it has also caused some great amount of my pride to be extinguished and shaken up so that the other side would be appeased. And I know this is part of remaining with god and his promise for my life. To heed one's selfish soul by bowing down, literally, one's self in the presence of the other(s) so that they see that I have relinquished any prideful absurdity and ill thoughts and feelings toward them or the situation. Man! This pride thing is really crappy in any one's life and to be able to literally bow down and relinquish that position, even in the presence of god, for me it remains to be a step in the right direction. No matter how much it hurts in the process of doing it.

Honestly, I can say that there have been a few minor times where I have chosen to take the higher road, not out of some self-righteous position, but because I just couldn't stand it anymore. The situations just deemed themselves so outrageous that it made no more sense than putting a gun to one's head. But still I did it, and still see it as that's just what I did no real reason per se.

But all the other times I have literally made the conscious choice to take the higher road because it made sense and it rang true with my idea of god's meaning for my life. To lay down one's life of pride so that the other could be made higher and sheltered from the harsh wind and rain. Though to say I've done it for this reason, does not discount the emotional side effects that come with doing so. There is/are still times when those feelings of wanting to be selfish and not have done it at all come into play, or it has brought up a sense of unfairness (sometimes great) that comes with the 'rights to my life', or it has the ill side effects that linger because the situation has not been fully settled, or the attachments of why the other person(s) couldn't see that I had done this for them (for us/situation) so that we then can move on. So, as one can see...taking the higher road is not always what it is cracked up to be. But I know from my experiences, that I would not be willing to go back in time and make changes to those situations, because in doing so would only have held me back from becoming the person that god has called me to be and desires me to become.

If I had chosen not to take the higher road:
- I would still have a very difficult relationship with my mom
- I would have very few close friends, thus very few real friends, but lots of acquaintenances only
- My marriage would not have lasted as long or as well as it has
- I would be a very angry person with no interest in resolution(s)
- I would be compromisng who god called me to be
- I would have remained just as controlling, just as manipulative and unwilling to allow others to be forthcoming
- I would probably would have held on to my resentments, my selfhishness, and my uselessness for others

I'm sure there is so much more that would have prevented me from growing, maturing, understanding and letting go that which I never had any control of in the first place.

I am thankful that I, yet again, learned a huge and valuable lesson in life. Sometimes I lose sight of this-that I am still an evolving creature-and thus each new lesson(s) learned and put into action only allows for greater understanding of myself, my past, future and those that come in and out of my life.

I thank god for seeing these things in me, through his eyes. Cause sometimes the only things I see in my eyes are self-deprecating images of what I don't want to be or already am.

Thank you god for helping me become who I am suppose to be becoming.

"There is Always Tomorrow"

I'm feeling like the Grinch this morning. Not because I hate christmas, actually just the opposite. Or could my feelings be more of Oscar the Grouch? Hmmm.... Perhaps. Anyways, I know we have these sayings through out our language about how tomorrow will be a better day or there is always a tomorrow or the sun will come out tomorrow or why isn't tomorrow here today dag nag it!

It's these polite little jingles, sayings and annoyances that make you wonder if people really believe this kind of crap. Ugh, I've even found mysefl saying it a few times. But tomorrow is here today and today I still feel like crap from yesterday, though I was hoping to feel better since tomorrow was coming to bring sun out and today would be a better day than yesterday though today is not fairing any better than yesterday yet tomorrow is just another day and that there is always tomorrow to feel better though you hate feeling crappy today so you only wish for tomorrow to get here so the sun would come out to lighten up the sorrows of today but will not be until tomorrow that it will happen, which is still another day away. DANG! This life is just too damn complicated for this very simplistic being.

I hate carrying over these down feelings from the day before. It's just festering in me and I need to get it out but it is dependant on another unfortunately.

So, in the meantime, I will just smile and sing and shout and hope the sun will come out tomorrow, and that tomorrow will be another day and that tomorrow will also be a better day than today or yesterday. It's just gotta. EESH!

Simply Make Me Melt...Twice Over

Posted by: kimthanh

Again, the smiles of these amazing little creatures are the music to my sorrowful days.

Thank you god for putting simple moments like these in my crummy of a day path.

So appreciative.

Simply Make Me Melt...Once Over

Posted by: kimthanh

Okay, so I am having a sucky day but then I think of my nephews and all of it almost melts away.....

Thanks Big D and Little D:

I had fun with you this last weekend. And I love you!!

Thank you for brightening my day with your sweetness and your childlike ways.

Love, Auntie Kim

Realization of Ones Own Growth

Today, as difficult of a day as it became, I had a realization of my own personal growth. This was a great revelation amidst the emotional and hard conversation I had to day with some one close to me.

To another it may mean nothing but to me it was a reminder of how often times we continue to struggle over the same things over and over and then one day you realize that that place of stumbling has some how corrected itself in a positive way. Mind you it did come from a lot of hard work and struggling before it was resolved. Though it would have been nice if it had happened overnight. But that would not have been my fate. It never is. I'm always one that god feels I need to work through EVERY dang issue - unlike some folks I know. They get what they want regardless....Blah Blah Blah

Amazing.

It sucked that it had to come at a time when I was talking with this friend. But then again maybe that is when it needed to shine through so that I could see for myself that I am STILL an evolving creature, truly.

To look at me now one and many have said 'I would never have seen you as controlling." Others may beg to differ. And to those who called me on it, I honestly thanked them from the bottom of my heart and have done so to two specific people in my life who were willing to challenge me in this area of personal havoc.

Before, I always hated the words controlling, perfectionist, manipulative, difficult, and one who has great expections of self and others. But apparently these were just some of the words that were described to me, of me. OUCH! Now that I hear these same words, some still ring true, it's just not as harsh sounding nor is it as painful. Now most of those words used to describe me but don't anymore. BUT it has been a long and tough road for me to get out from underneath them. Particularly controlling and manipulative. Now I see perfectionist just as a minor flaw of myself and difficult, dealing more in the realm of my likes and dislikes of foods, not people and how they do this or that and whether it was done my way or not at all. And in terms of expectations of myself (getting better) and of others (definitely a hell of a lot better).

So, now that you've read this far, and this sucks I know, the buck stops here somehow. SO, I had just finished typing it all out and then hit the wrong friggin key, and with blogger, you have to at least save it as a draft BEFORE navigating anywhere else on your site, etc. So, I begin once again to rewrite the last half of this blog, because I had been 'smart' enough to save before continuing to write again. Well, if that darn ol 'frog didn't catch that pesky fly surrounding him, I don't know what did and gone ate my rewritten version, and so other than a second moment of idiotic memory lapse thar she goes again. POOF! Gone in an instant, no way to be retrieved. Friggin pesky fly!. So, I decided to give it up for the nite and just write if off saying, FORGET ABOUT IT! Apparently it wasn't as important or heart-felt or curable as I first thought for myself. And god didn't want to see another clamor of written words posted on this site. So that's just the way the friggin cookie crumbles on a heavy heart in chico.

Signing off!

It's True, We Are Moving!

Posted by: kimthanh

Wow! It's really become a reality. We are moving to Portland, Oregon.

We are helping to start up a non-profit with our friends, Dustin and Cara called Bola Moyo (bowl-la moy-yo). it literally means "Better Life" which is what we are striving to give to the people of Malawi, Africa, particularly the children who are the future of their country.
We are thrilled to be doing this non-profit alongside Dustin and Cara, and look forward to seeing the harvest of our hard work as time goes by. But for now we are working on getting things together for the benefit concert that will be our fundraiser for folks in the Bay Area and Southern California. It's going to be interesting, a learning experience and I'm sure beneficial in so many ways.
But until then Michael and I have a lot to take care of like finding a renter for our house, packing, keep working on work and Bola Moyo stuff, visit families and friends, etc. Whew! It's going to be a hairy few months for us! So, by the looks of our schedule, it looks like we will be moving up some time in mid-late October. So, yea, I guess the reality of this move for us has really come to mind. It's going to be fantastic, fun and exciting, yet difficult to leave family and friends behind. It's always hard to be the ones saying goodbye because others feel you are leaving them behind. And then when it comes time to visit everyone, it gets to be a bit tricky. But with Bola Moyo's flexible schedule, we should be able to take enough time off to see everyone! Let's hope so!
As far as money, income. we still don't know what will come of that but we know that we will be taken care of somehow, some way. We will be looking for part-time jobs when we finally settle into Portland.

Here we go...we just never wanted to say we 'should have' or 'what if' that is why we are taking this time in our lives to do what we are both passion about - loving others.

Missing Out : photo by andy van den eynde

Posted by: kimthanh

As I was sitting in our arm chair, I was enjoying the scene playing before me. Michael was helping our 12 yr old cousin, Alea, with her homework in math.

First off, Michael enjoys math and all of its abstract notions. I detest it with a vengeance. Secondly, I was enjoying the way the two were interacting wtih one another and the way Alea was comfortable snuggled up next to him, while he explained in the simplest terms of the particular math problems. Thirdly, Michael has such patience and a way of explaining things in more than one way no matter the subject matter. And lastly, to see him so naturally and calmly helping Alea, explaining away, and patiently waiting until she seemed to be getting it just brought to mind a twinge of pain to me, while at the same time enjoying what I was observing.

The remembered pain was the knowledge that we have yet to have children of any age, in any form. It's painful as I know how wonderful a father, a dad, a parent and a member of the married team Michael would be in raising, caring for and teaching what children we hoped to have had. It just kills me to see the emptiness within each of us in this area. It was difficult for me because I haven't had this pain come up in quite awhile until just the other day.

It hurt, it was a reminder, causes me to wonder if we ever will be given a child of our own, at this point, whether through the fostering system or through adoption. I wasn't as angry about it as I have been in the past, and that's growth for me. But the pain is still not far below the surface and becomes easily raw.

I pray and hope for a child(ren) for us, but also know that we are on a path toward new adventures due to our passions, and in what god is calling us to be doing, with our lives, at this time. For this we will continue to follow through and find joy and peace through it all, but I don't know if we will ever get beyond the desires nor the immense passion to have one of our very own.

I just feel like we've been missing out on the joys of parenthood and the parenthood circle that one automatically becomes a member of, by the presence of a child, in ones household. It really SUCKS!!!

All I know so far is that it could still be a possibility in our life time to have this amazing experience. But I do wonder if it will ever really be granted to us. I continue to pray about this out of a sense of selfishness so that my desire will be continuously heard, assuming god doesn't already know of this desire in us. BUT it seems it can't hurt to keep voicing it no matter.

I continue to believe that part of our passions for our adventures also contains the work of helping, meeting with, holding, caring for and lovingly embracing children in what ever way we can that will somehow help fulfill that voided area. And to believe with that it will be enough for now.

But I don't know that we will ever not get over the feeling of missing out on the privileged experience of having ones own child.

Aching heart your fears are valid
Aching couple your desires have been heard

Do as you are asked to do and I will grant you with my ultimate joy and peace
It may not look like what you had in mind, but bear with me as I continue to work in you both

Your hearts will be enflamed with children from many worlds, many places and backgrounds
Your hearts will take hold of such faces, such conditions that will feel like they are your own

These children are your own, in a way that you will forever change the path of their lives
These children are your own, in a way that will fulfill you like no other

Continue to wait for me
Continue to follow me
Continue to have faith in me
Continue on the path I have called you to and you will be given your hearts' desires

Know it's my timing, not yours
Know I relish you both in ways that make me proud
Know that I have plans for you and the ones that you love, whether they are yours or anothers'

I'm listening
I'm here
I'm all that you need

Simple Beauty: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

This photo was taken off of Hwy 70 toward Quincey on one of Don, Michael's and my adventures in driving and photo shoots.

I love the simplicity and how imperfect this photo is to anyone viewing it.

I could have waited more patiently until the moth completely spread its wings and rested on the rock, but it seemed too silly to me to wait, when I realized how fast life passes us by. Meaning, to wait and get the perfect position for the picture is like waiting for the right time for various things in life, when even a mere split second can have as much beauty, meaning and memories as waiting for just the right timing.

Simply enjoying one second to the next can add up to a hell of a lot of amazing treasures and stories to tell to one another and in the future.

Simple beauty is truly something to relish in this chaotic and dysfunctional world.

This picture is not worth a thousand words...photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

It is simply one word - FRIENDSHIP - in the best possible sense.

We Love You, Don!

The Three Peas In A Pod...self portrait

Posted by: kimthanh

Our vapors have surfaced among one another though the deepest emotions still remain unspoken.

The years have been kind to each of us as laughter, always food, fun, techie talk and ages have consumed our time and our hearts together.

Ritual, spontaneity, celebrations, families, and history and god have brought us not by chance but many reasons, too many to tell.

We danced, we've traveled, we've had adventures and misadventures, many a late night dinners, many hours talking together, many years together and apart.

We just came back together over five years ago and now we are parting once again.

Parting is such sweet sorrow when I think of the kind of brother, and amazing friend that we, Michael and I have been blessed with, in our friendship with Donny, Donald, and just plain Don.

The sorrow is forever deep, but the love and comfort of our endearing love for one another remains infinite.

We have new adventures, new misadventures and new things to explore and experience together as the years continue to be kind to us.

Our brother, Don, whom we so love and will surely miss our regular dinners together and our hanging out time.

But all is not lost nor forgotten when our friendship is as deep as it is.

We love you, Don!!!!

Thank you for loving us the way you always have.

Tampon run to seeing you live through one of the hardests and most difficult phases of your life-your illness.

Nothing will separate the three of us peas in a pod!!!

With the Greatest of Love to you- our brother, our friend!

Kim and Michael

A Good Winker: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

Big D was showing me how good a winker he was and wanted me to take a photo of it.

It's been so much fun to see Big D growing up and showing me and the rest of our family all of his little and big antics, his amazing talents, his sweetness and his sharp little mind.

But now if only we could get him to actually sleep come naptime like Little D, his brother.

But I think he's always got too much going on in his mind to settle in for sleep time. I think he'd rather be talking incessantly, asking his curious questions and giving his advice in the little life he has lived so far.

I so love ALL of my nieces and nephews. They certainly make my world a lot whole more interesting and wonderful!

Love This Photo: self portrait

Posted by: kimthanh

This picture was taken just before Michael and I were to head back home to Chico and the 8 hr drive.

I love these kinds of pictures, impromptru and just plain fun.

We always have fun with Dustin and Cara whenever we get together. They are just interesting, caring, funny and creative folks we call close friends.

So, to capture a moment in time is a splendid thing in life.

Portland or bust!

The One and Only Voodoo Donuts: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

When Michael and I went to Portland for the first time, we had been told about The infamous Voodoo Donuts. We had been told in detail about all of their varied topped and shaped donuts. Sounded like somewhere I needed to see for myself. But that trip didn't allow for a visit there.

But this second trip, we did make it! Not that we really were hungry for one, after the amazing Orange Tofu dinner we had at John and Katies, just hours before. But since it was a place to at least experience, those new to Portland, we decided to venture on downtown and enjoy ourselves a bit of Portland history.

The picture says it all that we enjoyed ourselves. They even had vegan donuts. Go figure...

I won't take the fun out of experiencing the Voodoo Donuts, so I will just end here.

But when in Portland, take a visit to the Voodoo Donuts, and go at night. It just seems to add to the overall experience, as well as the lines that will be out the door and down the block.

Scattered Brain

Do you ever feel like you live in another world, outside of your own head?

Getting older is causing me to be a slower thinker, forgetful, difficult remembering little and big things and details of stories, and realizing it will only get worse from here on out.

I'm not bitter, I'm just saying... :-)

Michael and I have had some great laughs of late, as we have both tried to recount a situation we were both in and realized we had no idea where, when or with whom. It was pretty hilarious. We decided the older we get the better off we will be because neither of us will remember the same detail of the story nor will even be talking about the same story when mentioned to others. Meaning he may be talking about chicken which he ate with our friend, Don and I will be thinking about chicken that we had in New York. So, we determined we will not be like many older couples, or even young couples, who interject or argue about the details of the story being told. We will just be so agreeable and but with a different story in each of our minds.

Getting older with Michael will be fun for sure!

We have both been scattered brain as of late due to much going on in our lives and thinking of our future.

It's enough to make one almost lose ones' mind, really.

I kind of feel like the kid of Johnny Depps' Willie Wonka when he would say, "MUMBLER! I can't understand a word you're staying, heh!"

No one will be able to understand me as I get older... Oh my!

Testing to See if this works...video by kim

So, on our second trip to Portland, Oregon we had a blast as usual.
I forget to use the videoing on our digital camera but couldn't miss Hans having a good time with Dusty.

So here it goes...hope it works

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Continued Education

I just woke up, fed our cat, opened up the house so it could hopefully stay just a little cooler, as the day gets progressively hotter. And while going to the bathroom, my mind is whirling and twirling with with thoughts galore. So what is it my minding is trying to work out this morning? Well, it's not quite as simple as that to be truthful, but I will give you jut one isolated thought.

Since my "job" these days per my Michael is to get well, meaning take my meds, take all the naps I need, rest up, don't exert mysell too much, do my physical therapy exercises, etc. It has left me with an ideal amount of time to do one thing that I love, reading. So the selfish person that I am is taking full advantage of this time to read up all that I can. And there is no guilt involved, well maybe some but I have been told to not worry about it, so I try not to worry about it and read on.

I love how there are different kinds of book lovers, as there should be. The way I was created speaks to the desire for reality in things, life, people, adventures. This is not to say that I don't enjoy fiction books. I've read mostly the 'classics' as I know they are safe readings. I am not a Sci Fi, Romance, Midevil Fantasy kind of reader. Although I'm sure I have missed out on some great books, but I'd rather waste my time with others. When it comes to fiction I have such a hard time reading it because I want what I am reading to be true, an actual event or person, time or situation to have actually happened in this life time. And then as I'm reading, I begin to wonder if it has happened or if the people are real, etc and then I just freak myself out and not enjoy the rest of the book. I'm weird, I know.

The other aspect of reading non-fiction, biographies, autobiographies, memoirs, and period pieces is that I love how I am always learning something new about our world. There is so much history that I have learned through reading these books, that I never learned or was taught in school. This just excites me to no end! Let me insert here before I get a berauge of comments from fiction readers. I have read numerous fiction that were based on a historical event or time period and yes, I did learn a little something there. But to me reading the rest of the story as something that some one imagined, with a historical background, just doesn't work for me. But I'm glad it works for many, many people. As there are quite a lot of writers able to make a living doing this. Good for them!

But as for me, I feel as though I am continuing my education as I read one book, finish and pick up another. The lives I read about, the historical events that have taken place since the begining of time, the ability to see myself in the people I read about, and how it relates so closely to some of my experiences, my emotions. And then to be taken to places, on adventures, and into the very lives of people throughout this world, I am able to travel, to experience and to figuratively live out what others have already experienced. This just fascinates me to no end. I've figuratively experienced Iran, Tehran, India, Haiti, Russia, China, Vietnam, Thailand, Cuba, USA, Pakistan, Africa. And there is still so much more to learn out there. So I am definitely taking full advantage of this down time so that I can continue to learn something new everyday through reading. And I do.

I am so thankful for the freedom to read, be educated, to experience what others have in their lives, to freely enter our local library and partake of it's generosity of wall to wall books, magazines, movies, and more.

I am so very thankful to be a woman AND have the freedom to be educated period.

Through my readings, I have continued to appreciate what my life was, what my life is, what it continues to be, and what it will be in the future. I have continued to gain and appreciate my freedom in all things.

I do not and cannot take for granted my freedom to have the time to get well, to not have to work at this time, to take my mind and heart to other places and in to others' lives. I do not take for granted that I have been given the freedom to educate myself and others.

I am thrilled that I am a lover of reading.

I hope you too will become one, if you are not one already.

Faithless Heart

I was laying in bed last night thinking about how sometimes our hearts can be unfaithful. Unfaithful to another person, unfaithful to our spouse or significant other, unfaithful to our best intentions, unfaithful in the workplace, unfaithful to what we desire most in life.

These are just simple thoughts with no answers. But I was wondering how we, as affectionate and caring beings, are able to forego those intentions for something that leads to unfaithfulness? I suppose the unfaithfulness allows for a sense of non-commitment, a release from our current or future responsibilities, a quick answer to another's lack of understanding, caring, or acknowledgment to/of us. A faithless heart it seems speaks to the inner core of ourselves where we desire not the reality of our situations or of another.

I was thinking in terms of our state of world affairs. The London bombings were just as unexpected as the 9/11 without as many deaths just yet, but then because it's across the globe, there appears to be no outcry among the American people, as a whole, no letters in the newspaper, no radio stations with folks discussing the outrageousness of this monstrosity, etc.

All of it is spoken through the voices of the authoritative folks who speak in the language that distances one another to the reality of the attacks. It speaks almost in a third person form that allows for no real relation to any one person or folks in America. Except perhaps those who had friends, family that lived in London and were commuting during those hours.

How unfaithful we are as Americans to other's plights, unless it happens directly to us and then we are as outspoken and angry and ready to wage war against the other.

I am not saying every person in America doesn't care but it sure seems awfully quiet since the bombings. The American voice is quiet perhaps because the bombings took place elsewhere or quiet because we are glad it didn't happen o us again? I am pretty confident it is both.

America, the land of plenty, gluttony and power can rise above and out of our own unfaithfulness when it calls for it, from our own people. BUT what about faithfulness toward others. If the bombing had been at preschools or attacked at schools with children, then I believe the American people would be in an outcry over what happened, but because it did not occur to the children, and thank god for that, it is pretty damn quiet.

Our faithfulness is so much guided by what we give attention to. But our faithlessness is even more guided by our very intentions and selfish desires that pain not only themselves, eventually, but everything that comes between or within the circle of the that faithlessness.

How are you being unfaithful?

Shalom,

Kim

These Hands: poetry by kim

These hands have been in motion from the moment I was conceived.

These hands were the cilia that helped me figure out my world as a small child.

These hands, though asian are no different than my white sisters, my black brothers, my indian friends.

The phalanges that extend from the wrists of this being have learned to color with crayons, write with a pencil, do cursive in permanent ink.

They have held my body in midair as I learned to do cartwheels.

They have gracefully interpreted the emotions of a classical ballet piece.

They have gripped a tennis racquet, with sweat in between the leather and my epidermis, while running around on a court in hundred degree weather.

These hands have had my fingers jammed from 'setting' the volley ball for my fellow players.

These hands have created many a artistic projects for my family and friends on special and non-special occasions.

These long, somewhat slender fingers have dreamed of being a concert pianist while playing the ever challenging musical piece 'chop sticks'.

My hands have held the very hands of my husband from day one to the present, every day.

My hands are the tools in which I have learned many skills that employed me, have given me joy, have gotten me in trouble, have covered my mouth in a frozen surprise, have waved hello and goodbye to many loved ones through the years.

These hands with many miles on them are still young in years, and yet with so much life in them still, that I need not be surprised by what they will do for me next.

These hands have so desired, along with my heart, to embrace a lost child, an orphaned child, a sickly child, my own child,

So as the years have come and gone, these hands, my hands have allowed me to comfort the hurting, celebrate with a loved one, hugged a homeless person, clapped at a child's accomplishment or silliness, caressed the face of a newborn baby, and spoken another language through signing.

These hands, my hands have given little, have taken much and seek more ways to be used in the life of others.

These hands that have been so carefully and wonderfully made perfect, as well asfunctional, await for the abundance of new work, more sorrow, always ready to get dirty, waiting for a future of continued purpose.

Thank you, god, for these hands...

Book: Mountains Beyond Mountains - by tracy kidder

The life and work of Paul Farmer. Between the pages I am currently reading, I am thoroughly enjoying each word, each paragraph. I want so much not to finish the book because I don't want this hero's story to end.

When I look back on the last few years and see the progression in which god has been taking me through the spiritual, the physical, the emotional, the relational and finally the passion-filled ride of my life, I am filled with a sense of gratitude. This is not to say that I have any one thing down firmly, but that in the search for my life's work, my life's purpose I have been able to see the slow development of where I may be heading. I have some grandiose ideas for sure, but if I am patient enough I will know in greater detail of what I will be soon working toward for the future.

I have been smart enough to have kept my eyes open and my heart ready for anything, in case something should spectacularly great happen for me. So far nothing on that level, but I have seen all the pieces beginning to make sense and begin processing the images of what are some of my passions.

• Compassion and empathy for the underdog.
• Compassion and sadness, empathy and a great desire to work on the plight of our children, our future.
• Anger, hate and madness over poverty, war, homelessness, disease, and women's issues.
• Sadness, frustration, anger of the working conditions, the pay and the treatment of migrant workers across the world.
• A sickened heart that slavery has never truly been abolished. It's quite rampant worldwide-but it's overlooked by all the other ills of society.

When reading such a book as Mountains Beyond Mountains, one realizes the power that we each have within to do something, as long as we have enough guts, timidity, anger, and courage to try to make changes as we encounter them.
I have for years felt a sense of that power, but now more than ever, I am beginning to develop the courage and the guts to be the change that I want to see.

I realize that I can never be like Paul Farmer in that I can just make things happen from the get-go, but now understand that I don't HAVE to be the one that is the creative force behind my social endeavors, but that I can partner with others that have the same passion and are implementing these things already. And as for myself it may simply be a matter of finding a way to use my gifts that may best fit the work of the affiliate(s).

I have always held myself in very high esteem in terms of expecting great things from myself, from being the creative, to pulling it off to receiving the glorification of my sweat equity. Basically it had to be all or nothing otherwise I wasn't going to get involved in any way. I had always felt that I could die knowing that I didn't need to lean on anyone else to accomplish what I desired. But somewhere down the road, with little to show for having such high self expectations, I realized that I can't throw the baby out with the bath-water, just because I wasn't the one to draw the bath. I believe this is a mark of maturity, of self-realization of my powerlessness, my need to no longer be in control and to not get due credit where credit is due.

I only wish I had accepted all of this much sooner in life, but then perhaps it has needed my taking this long to finally 'get it'.

I still desire to be some one great but only in the idea that I am able to help one, two, three or more children in some form that is outside of myself. Perhaps great in the sense of knowing I was being used fully for who I was created to be in this life.

I still will never be a Paul Farmer, but I certainly can piggyback on his immense desire for change in the lives of the poor, the children, the women, the sick and the dying.

Thanks, Paul Farmer, for your inspiration and for your true example of what humanitarian work really looks like. I will forever be grateful for your legacy and simply your living by example.

The Glory of A Returned Journey : poetry by kim

The hills beyond the grassland whispers of things to come, to see and enjoy.

Walking knee deep in the golden thresh, of the sway, of the grass brings to mind the journey one must take to reach the next moment of exhilaration.

The air is stale making the lungs work greater for deeper breaths.

The humidity of the day does not let on that it will reprieve itself from the cloudy sky.

Reaching deep within the confines of this biological, skeletal being, the muscles work to move every joint, every member in a rhythmic cadence.

The quiet crushing of grass underfoot is a reminder that it's an intruder wandering this land of ancestors.

The surroundings are lush and green.

There are vast pockets of water that seem almost frozen with movement.

The air is foreign to this being, this intruder, who continues on its way to the next new moment.

There seems to be a noisy quietness that overwhelms the grassland, as it supports the hills from below.

The grassland teems with a great amount of life, wild, free, and unpretentious to its friends the hills.

The hills themselves seem to speak of a more quiet air that even dare say seems more sacred, more holy.

As each footing moves forward in direction, the ears are open, the heart is beating quickly, the mind works to recall perhaps a hint of familiarity, and the eyes are simply overwhelmed.

The aroma of this land is pungent, foreign, repulsive, yet welcoming to this intruder.

Just beyond the grassland and these hills bounds a more rambunctious bit of life beyond the horizon of this land.

The whizzing of motor bikes, the smells of fresh dishes, the chatter of a people selling their goods, street-side.

The noise is most overwhelming and constant but speaks of the goings on of a people in perpetual motion.

There are delicacies to be had, fresh from a boiling pot, there are trinkets made by hand, and drinks to be shared with another.

The sites and sounds only begin to subside as the day slowly draws to dusk, but the remnants of the days activities are still fresh in one's mind.

You'd think with all the noise of the township, that it would clearly echo its voice loudly and clearly to the quiet of the grasslands and hills, but neither knows of the other except by way of the traveling beings from one place to the other. Only to speak of such things when the other is not near.

This intruder prefers the quiet of the farmland, while its adventurous side looks forward to another day in the land of the masses. But only to return to the grassy lands where the vast pools of water, that mirror the hills from beyond, as though they were within reach.

This journey has only just begun and whether this has all been in one's head or whether it's footing has actually touched the quiet grassland, there could never be another journey quite like this - of one returning to one's motherland.

To Compassionately Listen to One Another....

The tower of babble was created because of our lack of listening to one another and our not get along with each other. Hence the many languages we now have so that we would have to truly work at getting along. Which in the end meant taking the time to listen compassionately to one another.

Somewhere deep down we truly are all the same. We are simply looking for the same things in life, the meaning of life, the explanation of illnesses, the meaning of our place in society, the baggage we all carry from our families, from our relationships, why some of us are gay and not others, why we have so many choices in life to choose from, why whole wheat bread today and sourdough tomorrow, why eat meat only but no carbs, and then to eat carbs only and no meat, to which brand of toothpaste do I buy? ETC!

These things, simply stated by my simple way of thinking, is that we are to truly be looking out for and loving others before ourselves. In this "ME" society, it is all about the language. It is whether others are willing to communicate with me in the way that I feel good about, or encourages me or makes me look good or making me feel understood. BUT on the other hand, we really are suppose to be firmly looking out for others - for their needs, their comfort, their ability to be and feel understood.

We have so missed the point of living in this world. We are a bunch of selfish, cry babies, who when not getting one's way will cry out with outrage, words of unfairness, words of inequality, words of racism, words of MY rights, words of OUR freedom, words of your trees on MY property, ETC!

No wonder there are so many choices. I think god had a great sense of humor by creating choices. God wanted to just to see where we would end up on the selfish meter. MOST OF US FAILED! Myself included. Man, that's harsh but when we begin to look at the lives and situations of others, we can often return to our own lives and see the same mistakes, the same longings, the same questions that all of us have and in helping others, often times we are able to work out our own situations. If nothing else, simply having compassion for another should be enough.

We were meant to be living in community - TOGETHER - as one people regardless of color, gender, race, sexual orientation, and religious or political views.

Our division is simply by our own hand, our own bigotry, our own choice not to accept others for who and what they are.

We need to continue to learn how to listen, without self-inclusion, to one another for the sake of our kids, our country, our world.

War is not the answer. In the end there really is NO WINNER when it comes to the game of Life. It simply is whether we are willing to listen, love and or accept one another to the best that we can and being mindful of what life would be like if everyone were compassionately listening to one another.

Take the time NOW to get to know your neighbors, your coworkers, your extended family members, those who work in public jobs, etc. BEGIN NOW to think of OTHERS before yourself. What can you do for someone else? Then look to yourself and continue to work on those things you need to take care of.

Begin NOW listening to one another... We have a vast, global area in which to work on these things - from sea to shining sea.

"Be the change that you want to see" - Gandhi

Shalom,
Kim

Kim's Library...

NOTE: Most books can be found on Amazon
{except title with (*)}

CURENTLY READING:
Gandhi: An Autobiograpy: Gandhi
Jason Bourne Newest in series
As Nature Made Him - John Colapinto
A Fine Balance: Rohinton Mistry
Living Buddha, Living Christ: Thich Nhat Hanh
Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress: Dai Sijie
Colors of the Mountain: Da Chen
Wasted: Marya Hornbacher
Video: The Oregon Trail - to be watched


JUST RECENTLY FINISHED:
A Journey Through Mississippi - Tony Dunbar
Orphans of War - Rosemary Taylor*
Children of AIDS - Emma Guest
Black Death: AIDS in Africa - Susan Hunter
Mountains Beyond Mountains - Tracy Kidder
Snow in August - Peter Hamill
47th St. Black - Bayo Ojikutu
Acquainted with the Night - Paul Raeburn
To Africa with Spatula - Jane Lotter


LISTING OF BOOKS I DESIRE TO READ:
Lucky Child - Loung Ung
Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl - Harriet Jacobs
My Bondage and My Freedom - Frederick Douglass
Coming of Age in Mississippi - Anne Moody
Geisha, A Life - Mineko Iwasaki
Island of Hope, Island of Tears - Brownstone, Franck & Brownstone
The Passing of the Night - General Robinson Risner
Waiting for Snow in Havana - Carlos Eire
The Sacred Willow - Duong Van Mai Elliot
Wanderings - Chaim Potok
Alicia: My Story - Alicia Appleman-Jurman
Let Us Now Praise Famous Men - Agee and Evans
Country of My Skull - Antjie Krog
Wild Swans:Lost Daughters - Karin Evans
When Heaven and Earth Traded Places - Le Hayslip
Faith and Betrayal - Sally Denton

Quote: dr. martin luther king, jr

"An individual has not started living until she can rise above the narrow confines of her individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Some Sites to Engage Yourself In:

Do Something - Get Involved!

AIDS/DEBT/AFRICA:
http://bolamoyo.com/
http://www.jubileeusa.org/
http://www.uua.org/uuawo/new/article.php?id=307
http://allafrica.com/malawi/
http://www.friendsofmalawi.org/
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/default.stm
http://www.nationmalawi.com/
http://www.afsc.org/africa/new-africa/default.htm
http://www.forusa.org/
http://www.africadaily.com/
http://www.aidshealth.org/
http://www.malawi.com/
http://www.un.org/
http://www.workingforchange.com/activism/action.cfm?itemid=18360
http://www.womenforwomen.org/DRCpop.html
http://www.womenforwomen.org/ProjectIndependence/index.htm
http://www.mercatus.org/socialchange/subcategory.php/41.html
http://www.alertnet.org/
http://peacecorpsonline.org/messages/messages/467/3375.html
http://www.hivportland.org/resources/infocus.html
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/africa/
http://www.usafricaonline.com/
http://www.farmafrica.org.uk/
http://twnafrica.org/
http://www.africawoman.net/
http://www.friendsofmalawi.org/
http://www.malawiproject.org/
http://lilongwe.usembassy.gov/
http://www.usaid.gov/locations/sub-saharan_africa/countries/malawi/
http://www.careinternational.org.uk/cares_work/where/malawi/
http://web.amnesty.org/web/ar2002.nsf/afr/malawi?Open
http://www.unicef.org/infobycountry/malawi.html
http://www.vso.org.uk/about/cprofiles/malawi.asp
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/ican/C2152
http://www.inequality.org/farmer2.html
http://web.worldbank.org/

ViETNAM/ADOPTION/ADOPTEES:
http://van-online.org/
http://motherlandtour.com/
http://www.wingluke.org/
http://www.operationreunite.com/
http://www.sonyclassics.com/comingsoon.php?filmid=60&page=1
http://www.adoptvietnam.org/adoption/babylift-index.htm
http://www.geocities.com/vnwomensforum/index.html
http://www.acwp.org/
http://www.catalystfoundation.org/When_You_Were_Born_In_Vietnam.htm

SOCIAL ACTION GROUPS/MISC:
http://www.saveaslave.com/
http://www.freetheslaves.net/home.php
http://www.humantrafficking.com/humantrafficking/
http://www.iabolish.com/index.htm
http://www.trafficking.org.ph/
http://www.state.gov/g/tip/
http://www.idealist.org/en/ip/idealist/MyIdealist/Register/default?SID=e1f12fc0be5139054996eb5c49467cf3
http://www.gandhiinstitute.org/
http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/mahatma_ghandi.htm
http://archives.obs-us.com/obs/english/books/Mandela/Mandela.html
http://www.oskarschindler.com/
http://www.shoah.dk/
http://nobelprize.org/
http://www.machers.com/Default.aspx?tabid=42
http://www.barclayagency.com/lamott.html

I Want to be Some One Great...

Who can heal the wounded at every moment of sorrow, to catch them as a safety for when the fall comes and the will to live, to move forward, to take the next step, to get back up, to the deep ache within, to the first drop of tear that has bound them unmoved.

Who can be there at death's door for those who have nobody to say goodbye to them. Nobody to tell them they were loved, wanted, desired, special, someone important, a friend, a sister, brother, daughter, son, grandson, grandfather, grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousin, or someone that some one met for just a brief moment and was struck by their very presence.

Who touches and caresses the faces, the bodies of the lepers of today - AIDS of whole families, AIDS of Africa, AIDS of India, AIDS of the underworld of slavery, AIDS of prostitution, AIDS of all colors, races, ethnic lines, gender lines, AIDS of infants, AIDS of grandparents, AIDS of health workers, AIDS of heterosexuals, AIDS of homosexuals, AIDS from every land, every continent, every nation, every tribe, every person who breathe the deadly disease of AIDS, and will take their last breath leaving some one behind to fend for themselves. I want to pick up and help and encourage those who are left behind. I want to make their lives better, healthier, and prosperous.

Who can take every child who lives in poverty, in abusive homes, in neglected homes, the filth of human waste, in the filth of neglect, in the struggling parents/family members striving to make a decent living at poverty level, in the filth of prostitution, in the filth of slavery, in the filth of a foster system that struggles to place these kids. Oh how I wish no child would ever know what it was like to be hungry, in want, in need, in filth, in an empty home while their parents have to work. Oh to be able to gather every one of these children and hold them, caress them, love on them and know that I have answers to all of their problems, that I would be able to save them from this wretched world we call home and provide the very things they need, in which no amount of money could ever buy.

Who looks beyond the monstrosity of today's world problems and is able to create, to begin a venture in which my life is viable not by my own living, but by working out of those things that anger me, that cause me to hate, to cry a river, to have another replace their lives for mine, to curl up with such a greatness of pain that it seems it will take my own life just by the very thought of other's difficult lives.

Though to be great doesn't mean having all the answers nor being able to solve all the problems, but being an idealist, it is my hope to never stop working toward something greater than myself.

I want to be some one great who does at least one thing that is important in life. In which it will make my life more worthwhile for living and knowing I didn't waste my time here on earth thinking only about myself.

I want to be some one great!

Wealth Overload:

I just recently cleaned out my closet full of clothes galore. And then many months prior I had had yard sale. So the bug to clean up, sweep out, and be rid of clutter that has found its way into our abode, is prevalent once more in my bones.

First off, there is one area I struggle with going to. I find myself being sickened when I walk through a grocery store, with the gazillion brands of the same products, aisle upon aisle, expiration dates soon to be noted, There is just something about all that food, the gross amount of choice we have at our disposal and thinking that the local jesus center should be getting their goods there for free on a weekly basis. But unfortunately, they are dependent on donations by these kinds of businesses. So whenever the business has an overstock of an item(s) or just about outdated product, they give it to the Jesus Center, the Salvation Army and the like. I know, I have worked for the Salvation Army and I know what businesses give and what they do not give. Sure, when Christmas rolls around, they are more generous, but not much more. Salvation Army still has to pay for many of the turkeys that the businesses are 'donating'. Give me a break! I know Salvation Army is thankful for what donations they can get, particularly in a small town where they are having to compete with all of the holiday good will and requests from non-profits, groups, etc.

But by golly, for the Jesus Center or Salvation Army to have to literally beg, albeit nicely, for donations is a crime. They are serving a purpose in feeding those who others would never invite to their home or hand them a few dollar bills or buy them a meal at nice a restaurant. They are contributing to the human condition of making it more tolerable, more purposeful for these folks who find themselves in conditions they probably never imagined being in.

So, to walk the aisles of any grocery store just burns the core of me. I just want to take a U-Haul and drive it into the buildings and take all that a 48 foot truck could hold of goods and necessities.

It's not only the grocery stores, but it's the clothing stores, the mall, the restaurants, the whole damn societal view of getting, and then giving it away after we're done with it. How repulsive this habitual activity really is.

I am guilty of this monstrosity and am working on changing these ways so that the finger isn't being pointed at myself for the soapbox I am shouting from, and yet not doing a damn thing with my words.

The need to live more simply is a great goal, but it is still in the works of being fully realized. Granted it is difficult to part with your good dishes when you have a set of twenty year old Corell that you'd rather give away or sell. I am trying to work on the mindset that if I can't take anything with me when I'm dead, what purpose is all of this material good if only to buy new when the old gets useless for one's taste. But usefulness is one man's gain and another man's junk. I realize this but I no longer desire to live like this any more. Particularly this next stage of my life. I want to truly simplify and enjoy what I do have, and yet not give into the wild and gross consumerism of our society any longer.

I struggle with knowing I have an abundance, perhaps I am deserving of it and perhaps not, but regardless there are those out there who have real needs that can be met if only a greater number of us in every city, township, district, state we're willing to give all we can and have so others don't have to go without.

I need to continue to work in this area of my life. Some times I have found myself walking that fine line between having what I desire versus having things for the sake of having it.

Like I mentioned, I am a hypocrite in this area and still need to work on this particular area. I could use prayer in this area.

Shalom,

Kim

We all have only one life to help make a difference

••A CHILD DIES EVERY 3 SECONDS FROM POVERTY••
http://www.one.org/

However, if all you can simply do, because you're frozen with the monstrosity of our global conditions, Prayer is always appreciated and will reach the masses. Thank you for this simple act, if nothing else.

Shalom,
Kim

Quote: dorothy sayers

"I believe it to be a great mistake to present Christianity as something charming and popular with no offense in it.... We cannot blink at the fact that gentle Jesus meek and mild was so stiff in his opinions and so inflammatory in his language that he was thrown out of church, stoned, hunted from place to place, and finally gibbeted as a firebrand and a public danger. Whatever his peace was, it was not the peace of an amiable indifference."

What makes up a happy camper: photo by michael

Posted by: kimthanh

H:uddled in the tent, cozy as can be
A:lways swatting at the mosquitos
P:acking the truck to the very brim
P:laying paddle ball while the waves of the lake kiss the shore
Y:acking and yacking beside the crackling campfire

C:atching the rays of morning through the pine trees
A:lways having to hike to the bathrooms
M:emories made sweeter with one's sweetheart and/or friends
P:icking out the various constellations in a clear, mountainous sky
E:choes of times gone by and the joy that was had
R:ejuvinating one's soul from the rat race of life
S:imple things in life bring the greatest appreciation and admiration

I:ce cold drinks to sip on while laying about on the ol' beach
N:o phone calls to make, take or ignore

T:ake the time to truly enjoy your surroundings
A:pply sunscreen where needed
H:op rock to rock while exploring the lake shore
O:nly the stressed need apply for the Happy Camper position
E:xpectations are not included in this vacation package

We Love Camping: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

Boy, oh boy do we ever love camping!! That's one of the biggest highlights for our summers. Since we got married in the month of June, we try to escape the week before our anniversary or the week after. We can never spend enough time camping. I think we need to start taking two week camping trips. Just to make it worthwhile after all that we have to haul up, unpack and then pack back up. A week just doesn't cut it.

Luckily both Michael and I were in Scouts, boys and girls respectively. Of course, I really wanted to join the boys not the girls but they wouldn't allow that when i was growing up. I had to stick with the girls. Bummer.
So, we both know how to fix a great camp fire, we both know how to deal with the outdoor elements, we both know not to run if there is a snake in the path, and we both know how to put up a real tent, not just a pup or aka a lean to.

The smell of a campfire is powerful, invigorating, lively, enveloping, and there is just nothing quite like it. Unless you are camping literally on the beach which is a blast to do. Between the camp fire and the smell of the ocean. Whoa nelly!

Michael and I have differences when it comes to vacationing. I am the type to go, go, go and let's explore everything. Michael is the let's relax, read a book, take a nap and then let's go to the beach, relax, take a nap, etc. So it's been funny through the years finding the balance of relaxing, playing, exploring and enjoying our time away. But with my health stuff, I'm beginning to creep into the Michael style of vacationing. It's not so bad, it's just different. But its good too.

Michael is definitely my camping buddy and I wouldn't want anyone else. He's the best camper. And we always have so much fun together.

We are definitely a pair of HAPPY CAMPERS! Woohoo!

The time to escape is now!

Old Barn : photo/poem by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

This barn has such great character. Unfortunately, I was not able to get up close and personal to it. You see, it is in the middle of a housing development. Surrounded on three sides. The fourth side is their back pasture where they still keep cows. These cows are just on the other side of the fence, of my sister-in-law's new home.

I'm glad for them and their new house, I'm sad for the people who own the land with the barn. I hope they never sell their lot. It adds such character to the new urbanism that has invaded this place. What used to be a tranquil, country road, with country folk and country hearts.

I find such joy in the simple things of life. Finding a barn in the middle of suburbia is sad and yet quite ironic.

To coexist is to be willing to find a middle ground where one can enjoy the aroma of manure and green, green grass and the sounds of clanking hammers, as new homes are built up in no time. What a sad state of affairs. But it was eventually going to happen...but why my time?

How selfish of me to think such ways but that's because I'm a purist and a lover of the outdoors. And not with back to back housing developments.

So when I visit in Fresno, I will hopefully be able to enjoy the two clashing of the worlds for sometime to come. Hopefully the greedy will not push out or out buy the last patch of true green space, in the land of greater concrete.

Ode to my Abode:

Ode to my Abode
I see you green still today
I see you, my cows, chewing away

Ode to my Abode
The barbedwire fence is to keep the cows in
The rooster brings noisy life on the farm
And the simple buttercups sprinkled hither and tither
await for my grandchildren
picking and smelling and tesing who really likes butter more

Ode to my Abode
The ol' barn is rickety but firm
It's metal roofing aged with rain and weather
The stalls within are for warmth and cool spots
as the animals lay about

Ode to my Abode
The neighbors on the right are older
The neighbors on the left are younger
The neighbors in front have yet to move in
But still my abode is forever my home.

Ode to my Abode
May she remain until the day I die
May the greedy men kneel in repentance
May the heritage of my children and grandchildren
forever remain despite the surrounding of suburbia.

Ode to my Abode
The grass remains green on this side
The grass has been replaced with concreteon the
on the other side of my barbedwired fence
and my our cows always know where to turn to home
Where the grass will always be greener

Ode to my Abode
Forever for my kin
Akin to the ol' days
Where the future remained
no different than the past.

Ode to my Abode

Allowing Kids to be Kids: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

As I've mentioned in a previous post, i am truly blessed to have so many nieces and nephews who call me aunt. Some of these kids are those whose parents I am extremely close with. Oh what fun it is for me to have this kind of relationship.

I know many granparents often say they wish they could have always been grandparents because you love 'em, spoil 'em and then hand them back. My role is also very much that way. Although I'd rather not give them back but keep them for myself. But unfortunately, parents want their kids back. I don't get it.

But one role I do appreciate that my friends and families allow me is to get to love and play with them as I wish. I'd say I'm a great influence in many aspects. First off, I know boundaries, I know how to speak with them firmly, I know how to discipline with love, and I know definitely how to have a wild and fun time!

There is always laughter, more noise and more silliness brought out in those kids when I'm around then under normal circumstances. Most of my friends are amazed and thankful for the peace and quiet when I leave. But I say, all the more for me next time! I haven't forgotten to include my husband, Michael, because he is just about as silly as I am when it comes to the kids, I guess he is just a wee bit more respectful of the parents than I perhapas am. I don't worry about getting into trouble. hehe!

I must say, when it comes to kids and restaurants, I pretty much try to obey the behavior rule, but once in awhile you just have to let kids be kids and watch the creativity unfold. Such as this photo. J and S were simply enjoying their time together and then I brought out the birthday party goodies, and then the creativity began. I was so proud of them!

I was laughing my head off at them, and I noted that others in the restaurant were too. It was a good thing the folks were very patient and enjoying the creativity and laughter of these kids. Of course, so was I.

The mom's were just smiling at me and wondering how it got that far. But I took full credit and the blame. I've always felt that life is way too short to not let the fun just happen and particularly now, as I am getting older, I especially believe that. In this day and age, kids are growing up way too fast as it is and responsible for far too much, and going, going far too much that they just don't have enough time to play, play out those things that make up being a child and the creativity that comes with their developing minds and spirits.

I am proud to be the one that can bring those things out in them and encourage it. I love every child that comes through my life, whether a sibling's, a friend's or just one i observe playing, in trying to figure out their world around them. What a joy it is to watch, observe, and breathe in. Children are the future on every continent, in every city, in every part of the word.

I pray that every child in this world could know the love, the freedom, the security and the endless possibilities for their lives. And that despite physical, spiritual or political lines holding them back, that they would be able to find the strength within to break through those barriers and become who they were made to be, in all of their glory. And if they are unable to find the strenght or the power within, that perhaps someone would be willing to give them a hand up and a better life.

It took one man's heart, one families courage to say yes, to adopt me and to take risks in loving, taking care of me, and taking a chance on me so that I could become the person I was/am made to be. It wasn't always easy but it could have been a hell of a lot worse for me if they had not come to my rescue. For this I am truly grateful.

If you are willing to love, adopt or care for a child of any age, I pray that you would greatly consider it and follow your heart.

Your life and the child's life will ever be so much richer in all respects.

Shalom,

Kim

Being Harassed by my Nephews: photo by Michael

Posted by: kimthanh

This is just a sampling of what happens to me when it comes to my nieces and nephews. Now that they are all bigger and taller than me, I don't have much over them. But I sure love them immensely!!!

To my nieces and nephews:

You allow the kid to come out in me
You accept me for my siliness and wackiness
Though i am and will always be smaller and shorter than any of you,
You still allow me to feel big, strong and protective of you

Your laughter is loud, your humor is bad but funny
Zach, you're the youngest but you still keep up pretty well with the
older ones. Your personality carries you in all things

Drewskie, Brian, Maggie(too!), Grant Fuj, Sambo, Grant T., Sister-Roo, Sammie, and Zach - I love each and every one of you with all of me and always will. I know I haven't always been there for all the important things in your lives, but please know I always have you in my heart and my love overflows to each of you abundantly.

Thank you for allowing me to not act my age with you, for sharing your thoughts, your dreams, and your laughter.

I can't wait to see each of you grow up to be amazing people who do amazing things, whatever that maybe. Regardless, I will always be proud of each of you no matter and love you no matter where we go and are in life.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for loving me, your short, asian and silly aunt Kim.

With all of my love to each and every one of you -

Love and Shalom,

Your FAVORITE aunt kim

Those you may meet along the way: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

I love this photo. This speaks to me of a great afternoon with some new friends in Oregon.

I was exhausted from our time with D and C but I didn't want to be rude and fall asleep while the rest of them visited.

Of course, as you can see, there is a cutie named D. He is sooo adorable, cute, rambunctious, very smart, very precocious and absolutely funny. As you can see, I enjoyed him. Well, while everyone else was getting to know one another more, I was having a blast keeping up with D. What a hoot!

But it wasn't just being with D. but with everyone. It was hearing stories, hearing of how P's family could help D and C while in Malawi, as P's family is from there and has great connections. But it was also great to hear from K and K about their time as Peace Corp members in Malawi and how it was returning to the states after their stint.

We spent a great deal of the afternoon with them and D and C have since returned just before they headed off to Malawi this last Wednesday, May 4th.

I look forward to a return trip to Oregon on many levels and look forward to spending more time, and getting better acquainted with the gang. It enriched my life.

If you get a chance, take a trip to Oregon and check it out. There is so much to do, the people so friendly and the weather is ideal for me and Michael.

Shalom,

Kim

Our Limits Transgressed: photo by kim

Posted by: kimthanh

Henry David Thoreau

We need the tonic of wildness, to wade sometimes in marshes where the bittern and the meadow-hen lurk, and hear the booming of the snipe; to smell the whispering sedge where only the wilder and more solitary fowl builds her nest, and the mink crawls with its belly close to the ground. We can never have enough of nature. We must be refreshed by the sight of inexhaustible vigor, vast and titanic features, the sea-coast with its wrecks, the wilderness with its living and its decaying trees, the thunder cloud, and the rain which lasts weeks and produces freshets. We need to witness our own limits transgressed, and some life pasturing freely where we never wander.
www.bruderhof.com

O' How I Weep..poetry by kim

O’ How I Weep...

O’ how I weep for the children as this world continues twirling on its apex.
Why are they the first to lose out?

I weep for the lost innocence of children and their need to grow up so quickly.
Why aren’t they playing more?
Why are they being cared for by a system that underpays and overcrowds the very people whose
hands these lives are in the care of?
Why must they come home to an empty house?
Why oh why is so much demanded of them so soon and so quickly by society, parents, schools?

O’ how I weep for the children from all over the world.
slavery, children having children, living in great poverty, living without parents, living with aging,
grandparents, being unwanted and unclaimed in a world where they supposably are the future.

I weep for the world as it continues to prove beyond comprehension, it’s ultimate displays of studidity -
through power hungary men, control freaks, war, aids, cancer, hunger, slavery,
injustice, famine, homelessness, substance abuse, violence, greed, ignorance,
alzheimer, dementia, patriarchal dominance

I weep for you and for me and those I don’t know.

O’ how I weep...it’s difficult to understand and as to why the tears come on suddenly and often.
my tears may trickle, may pour forth, may salt the earth but the one thing they don’t do is stop.

O’ how I weep for those who can’t weep.
their tears are dried up,
their lives are too difficult to comprehend,
there isn’t time for tears when you’re struggling to survive.

O’ how I weep...

Perhpas one day there will be no mre tears, no more crying and no more pain in this world.

O’ how I look toward such sweetness and with tears of joy.