Below this post are two teen voices through poetry. One dealing with mental illness figuratively and the other openly spoken of life.
I have dedicated these two poems to my two nephews who are struggling with severe depression and Bipolar.
And for all of those other teens and adults out there who also struggle with just trying to live life in general and then having to figure out life with mental illness.
You are all truly brave...
Friday, January 06, 2006
A Teen Poem...
My Poetic License
by Nik L., Kalispell, MT
Drowning
Similes and metaphors pull me in slowly
And finally, the rhyme scheme fills my mouth and nose
’Til I cry out in foreshadows
Night Time
Barely moving, breathing barely
Without these words my soul feels empty
Unable to escape the loneliness that consumes me
Trapped
Surrounded by blank walls and tall trees
Engulfed in idioms and hyperboles
Inside a peace lost horse
Writing
Testing vocab ’til it rains
’Til it flows and there is no pain
’Til heartfelt words hit like a train
Release
Finally, leaving myself behind
Entering a place like my mind
But still
Freedom
Everything stops - halted and screeched
Allusions to inner peace - finally reached
Until - I put my pen down ...
A Teen Poem...
The Scream of the Butterfly
by Charles R., Glendale, AZ
A scream that’s seldom heard by man
Was listened to by one.
This cry was of the butterfly,
Its silence overcome.
And so this man had found the door,
His prison stay was gone.
He’d broken through perception’s grasp
Surrounded, he was lone.
The sonic fire he lit with pride
Had pained and healed his wounds,
Yet we surmise - from his words;
The end comes all too soon.
The end of all we love and hate
Will end the wrong and right.
To start a life, begins the death.
The hero lays in wait.
His sole comfort, his soul’s one truth;
That fiction’s more than real.
A butterfly can scream
When silence dies and truth is killed.
by Charles R., Glendale, AZ
A scream that’s seldom heard by man
Was listened to by one.
This cry was of the butterfly,
Its silence overcome.
And so this man had found the door,
His prison stay was gone.
He’d broken through perception’s grasp
Surrounded, he was lone.
The sonic fire he lit with pride
Had pained and healed his wounds,
Yet we surmise - from his words;
The end comes all too soon.
The end of all we love and hate
Will end the wrong and right.
To start a life, begins the death.
The hero lays in wait.
His sole comfort, his soul’s one truth;
That fiction’s more than real.
A butterfly can scream
When silence dies and truth is killed.
Struggles w/ Mental Illness Poetry...author unknown
Cries Of The Living
Blood splattered crows
Fly the air
Searching forever
For the one
The eyes plucked clean
Blind to the world
Denied pain
Denied anger
Can not take this
Must pass it on
Bullet to the brain
The only way
Fall into the ravens nest
Fall into the darkness
That comforts the soul
And embodies the dead
Let the raven
Take you under
His black bloody wing
Show you the world
Enter the night
Of the dead
That others can see
But will never feel
Into the ground
Where the dead
Shall never awake
From the cries of the living
Blood splattered crows
Fly the air
Searching forever
For the one
The eyes plucked clean
Blind to the world
Denied pain
Denied anger
Can not take this
Must pass it on
Bullet to the brain
The only way
Fall into the ravens nest
Fall into the darkness
That comforts the soul
And embodies the dead
Let the raven
Take you under
His black bloody wing
Show you the world
Enter the night
Of the dead
That others can see
But will never feel
Into the ground
Where the dead
Shall never awake
From the cries of the living
For The Love Of...
Well, the past few weeks I have had a million things to say, and have written it all out in my head a thousand times but nothing compares to tonight's news. All the other stuff seems pitiful and just a bunch of rants and raves that really is unnecessary.
Tonight, I received an email from my mom telling me that one of my nephews had gone back to the hospital to seek refuge and safety. He's been diagnosed with severe depression and had been doing pretty well as of late. When he was up in Chico during his Christmas break, he was doing okay. But I know we'd talked and he'd said that he really needed to get on a new med because the old had worked itself out of his system and wasn't effective any longer. And things were starting to come down again but didn't seemed to be so bad. He was hanging in there. And he was making it through everyday.
But I had not talked to him since just before Christmas and so much seems to have occurred since then.
Thankfully, I am one of the few he is willing to talk to about his depression stuff and the deep dark stuff that occurs within him. I know that the hospital is a good place for him to be right now. It is a safe place and he gets a lot out of the group therapy with the others, and that sense of understanding when others can't or are unable to truly grasp what one goes through on a day to day basis.
I feel very fortunate and humbled to be one of those whom he can share the crappy stuff with this illness.
And fortunately, and unfortunately, he has a cousin(and I another nephew)that is Bipolar and continues to struggle with his illness despite being a few years ahead of his cousin.
The fortunate thing is that the two of them have really hit it off due to their situations and have received a lot of comfort, understanding and commiseration of what it really is like for one another. And encouraging one another in their struggles, their meds, their striving to get better and all the day-to-day stuff that goes on within one's mind and soul.
It really pains me that I not only have one nephew that has been struck with this struggle, but two. It just doesn't seem fair. Yet, I know there is a reason of some sort that these two in particular, happen to be carriers of mental illness.
I am not as fearful for the one nephew who just went back into the hospital, as per statistics and my nephews intelligence and great willingness to truly understand his condition, which will help in the long run, as well as the short run. It is the other nephew that I worry about. He is just as highly intelligent and informed but he seems to struggle with his condition and the inability to take care of himself on a daily basis by taking his meds, getting enough sleep, etc. He seems to have some good stretches of doing well and then he is back to a slightly more manic state. This kind of pattern of behavior makes it very difficult in the long run to get better and be able to truly maintain.
It is so frustrating and painful to see these two young men(15 yrs and 25 yrs) have to struggle with this kind of life physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
So, for the love of god, buddha, or whatever...I really pray that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will eventually be able to live happy and healthy lives as time goes on. I know far too many who struggle with these two conditions that don't make it down the road and statistically, the percent of becoming homeless is great if the person chooses to not maintain the necessary lifestyle to be healthy.
I don't imagine either of them being homeless, simply because our family has been extremely supportive of both these men and their families. But there is also the realization that some times it's nobodies decision but their own to move on and out.
I pray this never happens to them or any one else for that matter.
But the reality of it all is that homelessness and mental illness go hand-in-hand far too often.
I hate to say that I feel fortunate, because I know there are lots of families who also struggle with their kids, parent(s) or close relative who have mental illness. And many of these may not have the means, the money or the support to get the help they all need to work through it together. But we do have a network of family that are able to be their for one another and for my two nephews and the means and resources to get the help needed.
I ache knowing there are so many who don't have that kind of support system. And then there is the medical/mental systems that are just too government controlled to be truly effective to all that are in need.
To my two nephews, I love you both and wish only the best lives for you now and in the future. Keep hanging in there...
Love always,
Your favorite, asian aunt kim
---------- READ ON, READ ON, READ ON------------------
"Don’t Touch Me! What It’s Like to Live With a Mental Illness…
Depression" By Ashley
The title of this essay tells the story of my life, a life of depression. My life doesn't consist of crying and weeping, so don't let the movies fool you. I am not crazy. My life consists of mood swings and food. Being depressed is like being pregnant; you eat, you sleep, you laugh, you cry, you sweat, you get angry, and then you continue this process all day long.
Even though I have made fun of it above, the truth about depression is that it is no laughing matter. Adolescent depression is one of the leading causes of teenage suicide: teens with a mental health problem or addiction make up 90 percent of the successful suicides in the U.S. For 15- to 24-year olds like me, suicide is the third leading cause of death, behind unintentional injury and homicide. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 1999, more young people died from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, and chronic lung disease combined. In the past 10 years, even though the rates of high school students having serious ideas about committing suicide has gone down, rates for all attempts and for attempts that cause serious injury has increased. One thing that I had to struggle with many times with my own depression was if I would end up taking my own life. I was dealing with a lot of family problems and having arguments with my mother. My parents' separation was really beginning to bother me and my relationship with my older sister was going downhill fast. God only knows how many times I thought to myself, “What would life be like if I was never born?” Then I figured out that nothing would change if I was gone. My parents would still not be together. The truth is that you don't come back from death and the people left behind don't come back for you. I just hope I can reach out to others before it's too late.
It is hard to be a teen with depression when everyone is getting along with their life and you're the only one who doesn't want to go outside and play. When a little thing like a “B” on a test makes you cry non-stop for six weeks, it isn't a great feeling. When I was depressed I couldn't concentrate and felt overwhelmed; as if everything was my fault. As my grades started falling, so did my mood and I became angry with myself. Having teen depression to me is like having a bad day all day, every day.
The time period between freshman and senior year was a disaster. In my freshman year, I once got into a fight in the lunchroom over a chair! I was suspended for the last days of school and was almost arrested for assault over someone sitting in a seat I had left my coat on! I think that I have come a long way from the angry depressed teen I used to be with all the fighting and talking back. I thought I was getting somewhere when in reality I was just bringing myself further down.
I think that I have come far with my depression. Now that I am older I have more control over what I say and do. I thank God that when everyone gave up on me, there were people who wouldn't say no. A social worker in the school-based health clinic was the first to show she cared. She was there for me whenever I felt low or needed someone to listen. She hooked me up with services and finally with my community's system of care. Now I am the youth coordinator in my system of care. The people I work with now help and talk to me even when I don't want to talk. I have changed for the better and I like who I am now. I'm getting along much better with life; little things like getting bumped in the street don't get me angry any more. And when someone tells me to do something that will benefit me, it doesn't make me explode. I write this to let other teens like me know that being depressed can be a real problem, but there are real people who can really help you; you just have to be willing to let them in.
Thank you for your time. I hope I have helped in some way.
Tonight, I received an email from my mom telling me that one of my nephews had gone back to the hospital to seek refuge and safety. He's been diagnosed with severe depression and had been doing pretty well as of late. When he was up in Chico during his Christmas break, he was doing okay. But I know we'd talked and he'd said that he really needed to get on a new med because the old had worked itself out of his system and wasn't effective any longer. And things were starting to come down again but didn't seemed to be so bad. He was hanging in there. And he was making it through everyday.
But I had not talked to him since just before Christmas and so much seems to have occurred since then.
Thankfully, I am one of the few he is willing to talk to about his depression stuff and the deep dark stuff that occurs within him. I know that the hospital is a good place for him to be right now. It is a safe place and he gets a lot out of the group therapy with the others, and that sense of understanding when others can't or are unable to truly grasp what one goes through on a day to day basis.
I feel very fortunate and humbled to be one of those whom he can share the crappy stuff with this illness.
And fortunately, and unfortunately, he has a cousin(and I another nephew)that is Bipolar and continues to struggle with his illness despite being a few years ahead of his cousin.
The fortunate thing is that the two of them have really hit it off due to their situations and have received a lot of comfort, understanding and commiseration of what it really is like for one another. And encouraging one another in their struggles, their meds, their striving to get better and all the day-to-day stuff that goes on within one's mind and soul.
It really pains me that I not only have one nephew that has been struck with this struggle, but two. It just doesn't seem fair. Yet, I know there is a reason of some sort that these two in particular, happen to be carriers of mental illness.
I am not as fearful for the one nephew who just went back into the hospital, as per statistics and my nephews intelligence and great willingness to truly understand his condition, which will help in the long run, as well as the short run. It is the other nephew that I worry about. He is just as highly intelligent and informed but he seems to struggle with his condition and the inability to take care of himself on a daily basis by taking his meds, getting enough sleep, etc. He seems to have some good stretches of doing well and then he is back to a slightly more manic state. This kind of pattern of behavior makes it very difficult in the long run to get better and be able to truly maintain.
It is so frustrating and painful to see these two young men(15 yrs and 25 yrs) have to struggle with this kind of life physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
So, for the love of god, buddha, or whatever...I really pray that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will eventually be able to live happy and healthy lives as time goes on. I know far too many who struggle with these two conditions that don't make it down the road and statistically, the percent of becoming homeless is great if the person chooses to not maintain the necessary lifestyle to be healthy.
I don't imagine either of them being homeless, simply because our family has been extremely supportive of both these men and their families. But there is also the realization that some times it's nobodies decision but their own to move on and out.
I pray this never happens to them or any one else for that matter.
But the reality of it all is that homelessness and mental illness go hand-in-hand far too often.
I hate to say that I feel fortunate, because I know there are lots of families who also struggle with their kids, parent(s) or close relative who have mental illness. And many of these may not have the means, the money or the support to get the help they all need to work through it together. But we do have a network of family that are able to be their for one another and for my two nephews and the means and resources to get the help needed.
I ache knowing there are so many who don't have that kind of support system. And then there is the medical/mental systems that are just too government controlled to be truly effective to all that are in need.
To my two nephews, I love you both and wish only the best lives for you now and in the future. Keep hanging in there...
Love always,
Your favorite, asian aunt kim
---------- READ ON, READ ON, READ ON------------------
"Don’t Touch Me! What It’s Like to Live With a Mental Illness…
Depression" By Ashley
The title of this essay tells the story of my life, a life of depression. My life doesn't consist of crying and weeping, so don't let the movies fool you. I am not crazy. My life consists of mood swings and food. Being depressed is like being pregnant; you eat, you sleep, you laugh, you cry, you sweat, you get angry, and then you continue this process all day long.
Even though I have made fun of it above, the truth about depression is that it is no laughing matter. Adolescent depression is one of the leading causes of teenage suicide: teens with a mental health problem or addiction make up 90 percent of the successful suicides in the U.S. For 15- to 24-year olds like me, suicide is the third leading cause of death, behind unintentional injury and homicide. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 1999, more young people died from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, and chronic lung disease combined. In the past 10 years, even though the rates of high school students having serious ideas about committing suicide has gone down, rates for all attempts and for attempts that cause serious injury has increased. One thing that I had to struggle with many times with my own depression was if I would end up taking my own life. I was dealing with a lot of family problems and having arguments with my mother. My parents' separation was really beginning to bother me and my relationship with my older sister was going downhill fast. God only knows how many times I thought to myself, “What would life be like if I was never born?” Then I figured out that nothing would change if I was gone. My parents would still not be together. The truth is that you don't come back from death and the people left behind don't come back for you. I just hope I can reach out to others before it's too late.
It is hard to be a teen with depression when everyone is getting along with their life and you're the only one who doesn't want to go outside and play. When a little thing like a “B” on a test makes you cry non-stop for six weeks, it isn't a great feeling. When I was depressed I couldn't concentrate and felt overwhelmed; as if everything was my fault. As my grades started falling, so did my mood and I became angry with myself. Having teen depression to me is like having a bad day all day, every day.
The time period between freshman and senior year was a disaster. In my freshman year, I once got into a fight in the lunchroom over a chair! I was suspended for the last days of school and was almost arrested for assault over someone sitting in a seat I had left my coat on! I think that I have come a long way from the angry depressed teen I used to be with all the fighting and talking back. I thought I was getting somewhere when in reality I was just bringing myself further down.
I think that I have come far with my depression. Now that I am older I have more control over what I say and do. I thank God that when everyone gave up on me, there were people who wouldn't say no. A social worker in the school-based health clinic was the first to show she cared. She was there for me whenever I felt low or needed someone to listen. She hooked me up with services and finally with my community's system of care. Now I am the youth coordinator in my system of care. The people I work with now help and talk to me even when I don't want to talk. I have changed for the better and I like who I am now. I'm getting along much better with life; little things like getting bumped in the street don't get me angry any more. And when someone tells me to do something that will benefit me, it doesn't make me explode. I write this to let other teens like me know that being depressed can be a real problem, but there are real people who can really help you; you just have to be willing to let them in.
Thank you for your time. I hope I have helped in some way.
Friday, December 16, 2005
The Mind Just Keeps Running...
Another night of little sleep and this time I am all over the board with my thoughts. I'm thinking about all of the house cleaning I need to do before tomorrow night, with company coming over for dinner. Helping Michael's gramma with her Christmas decorations, to taking photos of some of the homeless folks in town so I can have a photo and a name to think about and pray for.
Then I'm thinking about how to meet up with some old friends. Also, sending a Christmas card to my old childhood pen pal from Greece. Wondering if the address I last had would still get to her? And hoping it would. I also am planning on sending a letter to the family from India to whom I sent a box for Operation Christmas Child (thru Samaritan's Purse). They were so wonderful in writing me back the last time that I have felt guilty that I had not returned the favor. They sound like such faithful people with two wonderful kids. I know they will be excited to get my letter. I will also include a photo of us once again.
Then there are the thoughts of what else can we do to fix up our house, to feel more comfortable, homey and more inviting. I mentioned to Michael about painting the bathroom with the non-mildewing paint that our friend P. used in her bathroom. It seems to be doing a fantastic job so far. It's been quite awhile since she had it painted. Doing that would help get a fresh coat of paint in the bathroom.
There is also the thought of what is next for 2006. I'm sure very exciting things. First off, we've started on the Foster-Adoption road so that is in the works. We are looking to take a trip to Africa and/or Vietnam this coming year, do some camping in Tahoe.
I hope to do much more cooking in 2006 and learn some new and interesting recipes. I look to the new books that I will find and devour from the library in the new year.
But mostly I think the greatest accomplishment for me would be to touch the lives of those who have so little, are in need, are hurting, are ill, are in want, are broken in some form or another. Whether it be a child here in the US, in Africa, in Vietnam or elsewhere. And or receiving such joy from whatever comes my way and that helps me to continue to be grounded and selfless in all that I am and all that I do.
Then I'm thinking about how to meet up with some old friends. Also, sending a Christmas card to my old childhood pen pal from Greece. Wondering if the address I last had would still get to her? And hoping it would. I also am planning on sending a letter to the family from India to whom I sent a box for Operation Christmas Child (thru Samaritan's Purse). They were so wonderful in writing me back the last time that I have felt guilty that I had not returned the favor. They sound like such faithful people with two wonderful kids. I know they will be excited to get my letter. I will also include a photo of us once again.
Then there are the thoughts of what else can we do to fix up our house, to feel more comfortable, homey and more inviting. I mentioned to Michael about painting the bathroom with the non-mildewing paint that our friend P. used in her bathroom. It seems to be doing a fantastic job so far. It's been quite awhile since she had it painted. Doing that would help get a fresh coat of paint in the bathroom.
There is also the thought of what is next for 2006. I'm sure very exciting things. First off, we've started on the Foster-Adoption road so that is in the works. We are looking to take a trip to Africa and/or Vietnam this coming year, do some camping in Tahoe.
I hope to do much more cooking in 2006 and learn some new and interesting recipes. I look to the new books that I will find and devour from the library in the new year.
But mostly I think the greatest accomplishment for me would be to touch the lives of those who have so little, are in need, are hurting, are ill, are in want, are broken in some form or another. Whether it be a child here in the US, in Africa, in Vietnam or elsewhere. And or receiving such joy from whatever comes my way and that helps me to continue to be grounded and selfless in all that I am and all that I do.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Mother Teresa On The Poor...
'The poor must know that we love them, that they are wanted. They themselves have nothing to give but love. We are concerned with how to get this message of love and compassion across. We are trying to bring peace to the world through our work. But the work is the gift of God, eh?
'People today are hungry for love, for understanding love which is much greater and which is the only answer to loneliness and great poverty. That is why we are able to go to countries like England and America and Australia where there is no hunger for bread. But there, people are suffering from terrible loneliness, terrible despair, terrible hatred, feeling unwanted, feeling helpless, feeling hopeless. They have forgotten how to smile, they have forgotten the beauty of the human touch. They are forgetting what is human love. They need someone who will understand and respect them.
'The poor are not respected. People do not think that the poor can he treated as people who are lovable, as people like you and I.
'You know, the young are beginning to understand. They want to serve with their hands, and to love with their hearts. To the full, not superficially.'
'People today are hungry for love, for understanding love which is much greater and which is the only answer to loneliness and great poverty. That is why we are able to go to countries like England and America and Australia where there is no hunger for bread. But there, people are suffering from terrible loneliness, terrible despair, terrible hatred, feeling unwanted, feeling helpless, feeling hopeless. They have forgotten how to smile, they have forgotten the beauty of the human touch. They are forgetting what is human love. They need someone who will understand and respect them.
'The poor are not respected. People do not think that the poor can he treated as people who are lovable, as people like you and I.
'You know, the young are beginning to understand. They want to serve with their hands, and to love with their hearts. To the full, not superficially.'
Dale Carnegie...
"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."
A Morning Of Whiteness...
I awoke this morning to a land of whiteness. No, it wasn't snow but it was Frosty's cousin, Jack Frost coming to pay us a visit. For me, it brings a HUGE smile to my face and the thought of ice crunching under foot. Even if it is only a simple thin layer of ice (and not snow) covering the grass and lasting until the sun completely melts it in a few hours, it was a little something special, making the holidays even merrier and brighter for me.
I've always dreamed of living in a land of snowy winters and white christmases, but having never actually lived with those kinds of conditions, I'm not sure how I'd fair. I think I would be just fine, but that could simply be the dream talking and pushing reality aside so I can enjoy the dream a little longer. Something tells me that I would do just fine. Perhaps a bit cabin feverish in some years, but overall would be content to enjoy the experience as such. But I guess it will only remain in my dreams...Sigh.
I am enjoying the visit of Jack and the stillness it prevails over the land, even with just simply a covering of ice. There is just something amazing to see the landscape covered in white. I guess that's why white often stands for purity. Because it does reflect such a quality of pureness and untouched.
I'm sure I've thought these thoughts before. But for some reason this morning's whiteness just brought it all back to mind, allowing me to experience it in the present.
A Morning of Whiteness:
The cold of the morning shakes one's breath right out of them.
The stillness, the quiet an attribute to such conditions.
Before the sun rises, the earth remains asleep until the sun first peaks.
Steam rises, droplets of water fall from rooftops, the temperature in the air begin rising slowly.
Bringing life to the world and interrupting the quiet of the frosty morning.
The higher the sun rises, the quicker the icing melts.
The grasses and the leaves are relieved of the melting to come, as the weight of the
ice is too much for the little shapes to handle.
Thankfully the sun will help warm them up and keep them dry all the day long.
I guess it's goodbye to the beauty and the whiteness of this morning's show, but hopefully it will not be the last.
So for now we say, 'so long Frosty, thank you for visiting.'
And hope to see him again very soon.
Like tomorrow?
(photo by: stmary.co.za)
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Do You See Me? I See You...
Sometimes we have the inability to see one another. But most of the time, I believe, we intentionally ignore one another because of our unwillingness to stop and engage beyond a surface level.
How are we to speak to another if the 'Burqa' covers who each of us is? Why not stop and ask to remove the hindrance so that we can honestly and openly communicate with them? Why are we so afraid of each other? What will we lose by taking time to speak beyond just the quick, casual glance of the eye?
Isn't this why we are on earth together? To get to know and understand one another better? How are we to do that if we keep ourselves behind locked doors, behind dark sunglasses? Behind our tinted windows? Behind the magazine at the grocery line?
I feel there would be less people feeling alone if we were just capable of sharing our lives with one another, with an acceptance and permission to be truly open and honest.
This doesn't in no way imply that we will not have days where we will hide behind our own 'Burqa' or of another's. But it is imperative that we take big, small and many moments in our lives to speak eye to eye. So that each sees the other for who each is.
It can be done. I think it needs to continue to be done. And as long as we are on earth with one another, shouldn't we be finding ways to better understand and love one another?
Ideal Unity...
I don't know if there is such a thing as 'ideal unity'. I want so much to believe in it but cynicism is getting in the way of what seems like what could be.
Too much bantering of who is wrong and who is right.
Too much yelling of my rights versus your rights.
Too much fighting over my heritage versus your heritage.
Too much blindness of one another's needs and desires.
Too much display of ignorance when in reality vengeance is sweet.
Where do we break the ties that bind us in such a force of hatred?
How can we move forward instead of looking at the past continuously?
How can we forgive one another for past wrongs and evidence of renewed integrity in one another?
Is there such a thing as ideal unity?
Monday, December 12, 2005
New and Old Acquaintances...
I am in the middle of addressing and mailing out our Christmas cards for this year. We have not been consistent in sending out cards in the past. But since having been ill the last few years, it has given me the availability to do this. And particularly this year, I have been thinking about all of those folks that I have neglected to contact and or keep in touch with a few months out of a year. Really, it's not asking too much, and I realize that yes, we all are busy and have very busy lives, but in the short of it all remaining in touch should be a priority in life.
So, I have committed myself to staying in touch with folks in some form or another. Besides, I am a believer of growing old with one another. And I might add that I have failed miserably with some folks in that idea. And they even called me on it. Yikes!
To grow old and just live life with one another is really a sweet thing and I have many folks that can attest in that arena.
I guess, just thinking about all those folks in and through my life just makes it sweeter because of who each of them are and what they bring to the relationship and how much richer my life is because of them.
I must say that I've been quite naive in the past, thinking that I would always have a lot of friends and they/we would always keep in touch and grow old together. Growing older, has thankfully wizened me up just a little bit. I've also realized not every one will take the initiative to call, write or phone and so I would have to be willing to do that if I wanted some kind of contact with folks. Unfortunately, life goes on and people move on, but I relish the idea of reconnecting with those I have lost contact with. So far it's been wonderful and nostalgic reconnecting.
So, here is to a new and many years of reconnecting and establishing old and new relationships. I'm looking forward to this process and sharing in the lives of so many.
So, I have committed myself to staying in touch with folks in some form or another. Besides, I am a believer of growing old with one another. And I might add that I have failed miserably with some folks in that idea. And they even called me on it. Yikes!
To grow old and just live life with one another is really a sweet thing and I have many folks that can attest in that arena.
I guess, just thinking about all those folks in and through my life just makes it sweeter because of who each of them are and what they bring to the relationship and how much richer my life is because of them.
I must say that I've been quite naive in the past, thinking that I would always have a lot of friends and they/we would always keep in touch and grow old together. Growing older, has thankfully wizened me up just a little bit. I've also realized not every one will take the initiative to call, write or phone and so I would have to be willing to do that if I wanted some kind of contact with folks. Unfortunately, life goes on and people move on, but I relish the idea of reconnecting with those I have lost contact with. So far it's been wonderful and nostalgic reconnecting.
So, here is to a new and many years of reconnecting and establishing old and new relationships. I'm looking forward to this process and sharing in the lives of so many.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Can't Sleep...
I can't seem to sleep. My mind is rolling on and on. My eyes stay closed but the ol' brain just won't stop.
I've been thinking about the homeless and what I can do for them. I purchased some gloves and hats and was thinking of walking the streets of Chico with those, some mandarins, and buying a big box of granola bars from Costco and finding folks that could use some of those things. I also thought of a note to include in the bags that would basically say something about not giving up on becoming who they were made to be.
Unfortunately, whether due to addiction, emotional breakdown, a tragic situation(s), spiritual breakdown, dysfunctional family, or own personal decision to be and live on the streets, the homeless are still a people with needs and desire for existence and personal interaction.
I met 'Lisa' this past summer and would run into her every so often and catch up with her, her pregnancy, her cats and life under a Chico bridge. But I haven't seen her as of late and have wondered how she is doing. I know in October she was suppose to be having her baby. But I have yet to find her since that last meeting. I do think of her often and pray that she and the baby are okay. I remember her showing me the sonogram of the baby and was excited that it was a girl. She had stated she needed to get off the street and start clean again and hoped to take the baby and move to Portland, Oregon. But I don't have any clue whether it happened or not. I hope it did not for the sake of the baby. She has her grandmother who cares for her other two children, two boys, locally so hopefully she has given the baby to her grandmother. Lisa is extremely bright, articulate and understanding of her situation, yet she is only 15 and not yet in a place of abandonment of self. But then how many of us truly ever get to that place? I dare say very, very few of us. I'm not sure that many of us really understand what that ultimately means. Myself included.
So, I hope Lisa is out there somewhere safe and okay.
I've been thinking about the homeless and what I can do for them. I purchased some gloves and hats and was thinking of walking the streets of Chico with those, some mandarins, and buying a big box of granola bars from Costco and finding folks that could use some of those things. I also thought of a note to include in the bags that would basically say something about not giving up on becoming who they were made to be.
Unfortunately, whether due to addiction, emotional breakdown, a tragic situation(s), spiritual breakdown, dysfunctional family, or own personal decision to be and live on the streets, the homeless are still a people with needs and desire for existence and personal interaction.
I met 'Lisa' this past summer and would run into her every so often and catch up with her, her pregnancy, her cats and life under a Chico bridge. But I haven't seen her as of late and have wondered how she is doing. I know in October she was suppose to be having her baby. But I have yet to find her since that last meeting. I do think of her often and pray that she and the baby are okay. I remember her showing me the sonogram of the baby and was excited that it was a girl. She had stated she needed to get off the street and start clean again and hoped to take the baby and move to Portland, Oregon. But I don't have any clue whether it happened or not. I hope it did not for the sake of the baby. She has her grandmother who cares for her other two children, two boys, locally so hopefully she has given the baby to her grandmother. Lisa is extremely bright, articulate and understanding of her situation, yet she is only 15 and not yet in a place of abandonment of self. But then how many of us truly ever get to that place? I dare say very, very few of us. I'm not sure that many of us really understand what that ultimately means. Myself included.
So, I hope Lisa is out there somewhere safe and okay.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I'm Such A Goober...
When I look back on my blog and see all the things I've written-the good, the bad, the ugly, the questionable, the funny, the pleas, the outcry and the dorkiness of it all makes me think of some one quite schizophrenic. And I guess I'd agree with it too.
I don't know how any one can live on this earth and not be schizophrenic to some degree or another. Especially when you think of all the emotional, the spiritual, the gooberinal that we all go through just to live each day, one day after the other. Whew! It's quite dizzying, really!
So, when I say I'm such a goober, I guess I'm just affirming my position in life.
What makes you a goober? What things have you done or said that qualifies as a world class goober?
Goober and schizophrenic should be synonymous with one another.
I'd be the first to raise my hand and make admission to the characteristics of such a person still living.
How about you?
PS: Please know my intent on the use of schizophrenic is in no way to demean those who live with this difficult condition.
Monday, December 05, 2005
I Just Met...
I love it when I've been able to see the heart of some one I've just met. We'll call he/she 'Jumpin Jack Flash' so I can keep the identity hush, hush.
Jumpin Jack Flash is some one I am thrilled to have met and to have spent some quality time with. It melted my heart just being in he/she's presence.
Oh the stories that were told, the laughter that was had, the passion of J.J. Flash's heart was enough to just want to be where Flash was taking us with the descriptions of the life. The details of the stories, the experiences and the cultural understanding was important and valid for me and the others to better understand what lies ahead for the future.
J.J. Flash is going through some personal stuff at this time and having to make some big decisions in life that could prove to be difficult, perhaps life changing. But no matter, I believe he/she is going to come out of it extremely blessed and healed.
I wouldn't say that J.J. Flash and I have the same political or spiritual take on things but he/she's heart was what was melting me to pieces. The vulnerability, the desire to make things right and the willingness to do what it takes to right the wrongs.
He/She did not tell me in full blown detail of the situation(s), and I didn't ask questions, realizing these were private and difficult issues facing he/she. I just listened and took what I could and prayed that jesus would just work in and through the situations.
I've not written to J.J. Flash since our last contact but I have been thinking about he/she and will send a letter and our Christmas card letting it be known.
It seems very few people are willing or able to be vulnerable and share with intensity without necessarily describing their situation. I'm not quite sure how to describe this exactly but to say that the heart seems like it pours forth naturally when it has found a level of comfort perhaps. And maybe that's what it was. J.J. Flash had found a comfort level with me and others that allowed for the heart to speak for he/she. Spoken words did not hold much weight in comparison to the vulnerability and the condition of the heart coming through to me and us.
When I think about it more, I think that is what I see in Michael too. And I know that is what I love about him. He can be vulnerable, intense, sensitive and not always share in words what his heart is feeling.
And I know that is what makes me attracted to a man. Not in terms of flirtatiousness or desire or looks. The heart was always my number one priority in looking for a husband. And I am truly blessed because he found me and we found each other.
Thank you, J.J. Flash for having just met you and allowing me to see your heart. It melted me to pieces. And how lucky I am to spend more time with you in the future.
May the lord bless you, keep you and shine his face upon you... Shalom.
Jumpin Jack Flash is some one I am thrilled to have met and to have spent some quality time with. It melted my heart just being in he/she's presence.
Oh the stories that were told, the laughter that was had, the passion of J.J. Flash's heart was enough to just want to be where Flash was taking us with the descriptions of the life. The details of the stories, the experiences and the cultural understanding was important and valid for me and the others to better understand what lies ahead for the future.
J.J. Flash is going through some personal stuff at this time and having to make some big decisions in life that could prove to be difficult, perhaps life changing. But no matter, I believe he/she is going to come out of it extremely blessed and healed.
I wouldn't say that J.J. Flash and I have the same political or spiritual take on things but he/she's heart was what was melting me to pieces. The vulnerability, the desire to make things right and the willingness to do what it takes to right the wrongs.
He/She did not tell me in full blown detail of the situation(s), and I didn't ask questions, realizing these were private and difficult issues facing he/she. I just listened and took what I could and prayed that jesus would just work in and through the situations.
I've not written to J.J. Flash since our last contact but I have been thinking about he/she and will send a letter and our Christmas card letting it be known.
It seems very few people are willing or able to be vulnerable and share with intensity without necessarily describing their situation. I'm not quite sure how to describe this exactly but to say that the heart seems like it pours forth naturally when it has found a level of comfort perhaps. And maybe that's what it was. J.J. Flash had found a comfort level with me and others that allowed for the heart to speak for he/she. Spoken words did not hold much weight in comparison to the vulnerability and the condition of the heart coming through to me and us.
When I think about it more, I think that is what I see in Michael too. And I know that is what I love about him. He can be vulnerable, intense, sensitive and not always share in words what his heart is feeling.
And I know that is what makes me attracted to a man. Not in terms of flirtatiousness or desire or looks. The heart was always my number one priority in looking for a husband. And I am truly blessed because he found me and we found each other.
Thank you, J.J. Flash for having just met you and allowing me to see your heart. It melted me to pieces. And how lucky I am to spend more time with you in the future.
May the lord bless you, keep you and shine his face upon you... Shalom.
Friday, December 02, 2005
I'm...
I'm Snotty. No, really. I am.
This cold that I caught either from my hubby or another has decided to attack me at night, while I'm trying to rest my weary bod. Oh, but this cold has a mind of its own and I've found myself talking to 'the cold' as if it were a human being. Yikes! I think the hallucination has really set in this time around.
I keep telling 'the cold' to stop making my eyes water so much, to stop making me hack up both my lungs, to stop making me drool on the pillow, waking me up, because I can't breathe from my nose. Or is it my nose drooling? I'm really not sure...
'The cold' has spoken saying, 'it's not ready for it to leave this warm haven it has found in me'. I respond by yelling, 'get out now! I don't want you in or around me. Get out AND STAY OUT!'. But 'the cold' just sticks its tongue out at me and laughs a very hardy laugh. I cover my ears and try to sniffle the pounds of snot stuck in my nasal passages. Ugh!
If only I could blast the head off 'this cold' being that enjoys taunting and toying with me to no end.
Well, hopefully I will have the strength and the antibodies to help me destroy this bugger! Not hopefully but I WILL, and with my army of antibodies, we WILL destroy this 'cold attacker'!!!
Just when it least expects it... Aha!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
To Whom Do I Owe...
To whom do I owe my life to? What reason is there for my existence if there are parts of me out there embodied by others? Is there only just one of me? How could that be? And how is it that I can be a truly unique individual? It seems so impossible to me. It has always been said that we are our very own, unique individuals and there is no one else in this world like us. Now how can that be even remotely true? I mean unless you happen to be an identical twin, an exact replica of yourself.
Have you ever pondered the thought that there is NO ONE else like us? Somehow I've always figured the person(s) telling me was just trying to bullshit me and make me feel better and special. Heck, some days it worked but usually it bugged me, because I could never fathom that there not could be someone else like me out there. There just has to be with the billions upon billions of people out there...There has got to be some one pretty damn close in likeness to me. Perhaps not in looks per se, but certainly in personality and thought, talents, giftings and attitude.
But let's just say there is NO ONE else like me out there, then the world is a pretty lucky place. To have two or more of me would be pretty scary.
I know I very, very rarely get the 'have I met you before?' statement like my husband, Michael. But I guess that really isn't saying very much.
So, to whom do I owe my life to? Being a christian believer, the answer would be expected to be god, of course. And that could be one of my answers but it seems there is more to it than just god. The whole god/jesus/son/holy spirit thing is really quite confusing and over rated in my simplistic and humble opininion. But what's to expect when it is coming from a very human perspective. I don't think...god...would be offended by my saying that, but I'm really not sure. But jesus is the real principle behind what I believe and how I choose to live my life out. Jesus I believe was holy and was given a place in history that could never be repeated. So, perhaps I am a heretic for believing only in jesus' existence and not really understanding god and the holy spirit thing, but I think that is the beauty of choice. We are given a choice to question, try to understand and figure out this spiritual side of our lives that really has no tangible foundation other than the life of jesus. Unless you take in the consideration of other christians. Oh, but that just cannot do. They(we) can be just too full of ourselves to be taken seriously. No wonder christian is such a dirty word...And so many Christians wonder why...DUH!
I believe there is and never will be another jesus in the history of the world. But that doesn't mean there could not be another me out there, created just as unique as I supposably am. I'd say I'm not as unique as I would seflishly like to believe. None of us really are. But that's just me talking from the side of my mouth.
So, to whom do you owe your life to?
Have you ever pondered the thought that there is NO ONE else like us? Somehow I've always figured the person(s) telling me was just trying to bullshit me and make me feel better and special. Heck, some days it worked but usually it bugged me, because I could never fathom that there not could be someone else like me out there. There just has to be with the billions upon billions of people out there...There has got to be some one pretty damn close in likeness to me. Perhaps not in looks per se, but certainly in personality and thought, talents, giftings and attitude.
But let's just say there is NO ONE else like me out there, then the world is a pretty lucky place. To have two or more of me would be pretty scary.
I know I very, very rarely get the 'have I met you before?' statement like my husband, Michael. But I guess that really isn't saying very much.
So, to whom do I owe my life to? Being a christian believer, the answer would be expected to be god, of course. And that could be one of my answers but it seems there is more to it than just god. The whole god/jesus/son/holy spirit thing is really quite confusing and over rated in my simplistic and humble opininion. But what's to expect when it is coming from a very human perspective. I don't think...god...would be offended by my saying that, but I'm really not sure. But jesus is the real principle behind what I believe and how I choose to live my life out. Jesus I believe was holy and was given a place in history that could never be repeated. So, perhaps I am a heretic for believing only in jesus' existence and not really understanding god and the holy spirit thing, but I think that is the beauty of choice. We are given a choice to question, try to understand and figure out this spiritual side of our lives that really has no tangible foundation other than the life of jesus. Unless you take in the consideration of other christians. Oh, but that just cannot do. They(we) can be just too full of ourselves to be taken seriously. No wonder christian is such a dirty word...And so many Christians wonder why...DUH!
I believe there is and never will be another jesus in the history of the world. But that doesn't mean there could not be another me out there, created just as unique as I supposably am. I'd say I'm not as unique as I would seflishly like to believe. None of us really are. But that's just me talking from the side of my mouth.
So, to whom do you owe your life to?
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Food Photos...by kim
I love food and I really enjoy taking photos of what I'm about to eat or making. It helps me to remember what I may have eaten and where.
Also, I'm afraid, as I get older, that I'll forget the foods I have eaten. And since food is so essential to my life, well, I'd rather not forget if I can help it.
Michael thinks it funny to photograph our dishes but he puts up with my antics.
Lucky for me!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
The Faces Of Children...
Aaahh, there is nothing like a face of a child to make my heart melt, put a smile on my face and lift my spirits.
I thank god for the life of children of all ages. I am in awe of them when I watch how they explore the world, explore their own environment, taste, see, squeal, talk, laugh, take for granted every little thing, learn, grow, and set out on their own.
The human life is truly a miracle. But even more so when we are able to observe the human progression from infant to old age. And better understand what makes us tick, how we are all impressionable at various ages, how we struggle for autonomy and then back to wanting support.
I love to hear the stories of people and where they came from, where did their choices take them, and how they felt at those various stages in life. I also love to hear their hearts when trying to make life decisions or strive to understand their process as they struggle to make life decisions. I am amazed how and what we all go through to make simple decision let alone huge, huge decisions. And what will then come from those decisions. I love to hear old stories of people's families, their grandparents, their parents, siblings and what they thought were the most interesting parts of their own lives. I think it is wonderful how every one has a story of their own. It is unique, it is definitely personal, and yet at some point is a treat to hear about.
I can not wait to see these amazing and beautiful kids in person and watch what god does with each of them in their lives.
Each smile makes me want to smother them with kisses, kindness and love.
These faces and so many more tug at my heart strings and help remind me what my purpose in life is. To help these children and many more have a better life by getting my hands dirty along side them.
I dream of children almost nightly. I dream about a life of goodness and prosperity for each and every child I have laid eyes on, and for those I have yet to see.
I pray often for a child or two or more to not give up on life, so they can know there is more to life than what they are experiencing.
The faces and lives of these children are priceless.
And I Wonder...
There are so many people that I know who are depressed or struggle with depression.
I am one of those persons who has had to get on a mild anti-depressant in order to help correct my brain chemistry. I must say, the medication is helping greatly in this area as well as with my migraines that I also struggle with. So, I have been able to kill two birds with one stone so to speak.
I am one of those who always felt (and been told) that one was weak if one had to go on meds for psycho stuff. I was always afraid to believe that I was not a strong person and that I could be thought of as crazy. Unfortunately, it is a universal stigma, but it has begun to be less of one as the years go by and more and more folks are struggling with brain diseases.
Mental illness is a rampant evil among the homeless. And what a horrible disease for them it is. There is just not enough funding to help the homeless, to help the parents of a teen or to help a family with a parent afflicted with mental illness.
Unfortunately, it would take some one, in a higher government position, who has a family member, who has mental illness, before any attention or money would be affective with the growing rate of psychological and psychotic illnesses.
It is always the children, the poor, the ill, the old who suffer the most in the world because they are the most vulnerable and the least able to fight for themselves.
What the hell is matter with our country, our pharmaceutical companies, our well-to-do neighbors and government-held seatings that are not doing all that they can for the most vulnerable? Unfortunately, it won't ever be high on any agenda, as long as those in power whose family members or themselves are not vulnerable and/or in need of such assistance by their own government.
And I wonder... What will I do to help make a difference in this arena?
I am one of those persons who has had to get on a mild anti-depressant in order to help correct my brain chemistry. I must say, the medication is helping greatly in this area as well as with my migraines that I also struggle with. So, I have been able to kill two birds with one stone so to speak.
I am one of those who always felt (and been told) that one was weak if one had to go on meds for psycho stuff. I was always afraid to believe that I was not a strong person and that I could be thought of as crazy. Unfortunately, it is a universal stigma, but it has begun to be less of one as the years go by and more and more folks are struggling with brain diseases.
Mental illness is a rampant evil among the homeless. And what a horrible disease for them it is. There is just not enough funding to help the homeless, to help the parents of a teen or to help a family with a parent afflicted with mental illness.
Unfortunately, it would take some one, in a higher government position, who has a family member, who has mental illness, before any attention or money would be affective with the growing rate of psychological and psychotic illnesses.
It is always the children, the poor, the ill, the old who suffer the most in the world because they are the most vulnerable and the least able to fight for themselves.
What the hell is matter with our country, our pharmaceutical companies, our well-to-do neighbors and government-held seatings that are not doing all that they can for the most vulnerable? Unfortunately, it won't ever be high on any agenda, as long as those in power whose family members or themselves are not vulnerable and/or in need of such assistance by their own government.
And I wonder... What will I do to help make a difference in this arena?
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