Can't Sleep...

I can't seem to sleep. My mind is rolling on and on. My eyes stay closed but the ol' brain just won't stop.

I've been thinking about the homeless and what I can do for them. I purchased some gloves and hats and was thinking of walking the streets of Chico with those, some mandarins, and buying a big box of granola bars from Costco and finding folks that could use some of those things. I also thought of a note to include in the bags that would basically say something about not giving up on becoming who they were made to be.

Unfortunately, whether due to addiction, emotional breakdown, a tragic situation(s), spiritual breakdown, dysfunctional family, or own personal decision to be and live on the streets, the homeless are still a people with needs and desire for existence and personal interaction.

I met 'Lisa' this past summer and would run into her every so often and catch up with her, her pregnancy, her cats and life under a Chico bridge. But I haven't seen her as of late and have wondered how she is doing. I know in October she was suppose to be having her baby. But I have yet to find her since that last meeting. I do think of her often and pray that she and the baby are okay. I remember her showing me the sonogram of the baby and was excited that it was a girl. She had stated she needed to get off the street and start clean again and hoped to take the baby and move to Portland, Oregon. But I don't have any clue whether it happened or not. I hope it did not for the sake of the baby. She has her grandmother who cares for her other two children, two boys, locally so hopefully she has given the baby to her grandmother. Lisa is extremely bright, articulate and understanding of her situation, yet she is only 15 and not yet in a place of abandonment of self. But then how many of us truly ever get to that place? I dare say very, very few of us. I'm not sure that many of us really understand what that ultimately means. Myself included.

So, I hope Lisa is out there somewhere safe and okay.

I'm Such A Goober...

When I look back on my blog and see all the things I've written-the good, the bad, the ugly, the questionable, the funny, the pleas, the outcry and the dorkiness of it all makes me think of some one quite schizophrenic. And I guess I'd agree with it too.

I don't know how any one can live on this earth and not be schizophrenic to some degree or another. Especially when you think of all the emotional, the spiritual, the gooberinal that we all go through just to live each day, one day after the other. Whew! It's quite dizzying, really!

So, when I say I'm such a goober, I guess I'm just affirming my position in life.

What makes you a goober? What things have you done or said that qualifies as a world class goober?

Goober and schizophrenic should be synonymous with one another.

I'd be the first to raise my hand and make admission to the characteristics of such a person still living.

How about you?

PS: Please know my intent on the use of schizophrenic is in no way to demean those who live with this difficult condition.

I Just Met...

I love it when I've been able to see the heart of some one I've just met. We'll call he/she 'Jumpin Jack Flash' so I can keep the identity hush, hush.

Jumpin Jack Flash is some one I am thrilled to have met and to have spent some quality time with. It melted my heart just being in he/she's presence.

Oh the stories that were told, the laughter that was had, the passion of J.J. Flash's heart was enough to just want to be where Flash was taking us with the descriptions of the life. The details of the stories, the experiences and the cultural understanding was important and valid for me and the others to better understand what lies ahead for the future.

J.J. Flash is going through some personal stuff at this time and having to make some big decisions in life that could prove to be difficult, perhaps life changing. But no matter, I believe he/she is going to come out of it extremely blessed and healed.

I wouldn't say that J.J. Flash and I have the same political or spiritual take on things but he/she's heart was what was melting me to pieces. The vulnerability, the desire to make things right and the willingness to do what it takes to right the wrongs.

He/She did not tell me in full blown detail of the situation(s), and I didn't ask questions, realizing these were private and difficult issues facing he/she. I just listened and took what I could and prayed that jesus would just work in and through the situations.

I've not written to J.J. Flash since our last contact but I have been thinking about he/she and will send a letter and our Christmas card letting it be known.

It seems very few people are willing or able to be vulnerable and share with intensity without necessarily describing their situation. I'm not quite sure how to describe this exactly but to say that the heart seems like it pours forth naturally when it has found a level of comfort perhaps. And maybe that's what it was. J.J. Flash had found a comfort level with me and others that allowed for the heart to speak for he/she. Spoken words did not hold much weight in comparison to the vulnerability and the condition of the heart coming through to me and us.

When I think about it more, I think that is what I see in Michael too. And I know that is what I love about him. He can be vulnerable, intense, sensitive and not always share in words what his heart is feeling.

And I know that is what makes me attracted to a man. Not in terms of flirtatiousness or desire or looks. The heart was always my number one priority in looking for a husband. And I am truly blessed because he found me and we found each other.

Thank you, J.J. Flash for having just met you and allowing me to see your heart. It melted me to pieces. And how lucky I am to spend more time with you in the future.

May the lord bless you, keep you and shine his face upon you... Shalom.

I'm...

I'm Snotty. No, really. I am.

This cold that I caught either from my hubby or another has decided to attack me at night, while I'm trying to rest my weary bod. Oh, but this cold has a mind of its own and I've found myself talking to 'the cold' as if it were a human being. Yikes! I think the hallucination has really set in this time around.

I keep telling 'the cold' to stop making my eyes water so much, to stop making me hack up both my lungs, to stop making me drool on the pillow, waking me up, because I can't breathe from my nose. Or is it my nose drooling? I'm really not sure...

'The cold' has spoken saying, 'it's not ready for it to leave this warm haven it has found in me'. I respond by yelling, 'get out now! I don't want you in or around me. Get out AND STAY OUT!'. But 'the cold' just sticks its tongue out at me and laughs a very hardy laugh. I cover my ears and try to sniffle the pounds of snot stuck in my nasal passages. Ugh!

If only I could blast the head off 'this cold' being that enjoys taunting and toying with me to no end.

Well, hopefully I will have the strength and the antibodies to help me destroy this bugger! Not hopefully but I WILL, and with my army of antibodies, we WILL destroy this 'cold attacker'!!!

Just when it least expects it... Aha!

To Whom Do I Owe...

To whom do I owe my life to? What reason is there for my existence if there are parts of me out there embodied by others? Is there only just one of me? How could that be? And how is it that I can be a truly unique individual? It seems so impossible to me. It has always been said that we are our very own, unique individuals and there is no one else in this world like us. Now how can that be even remotely true? I mean unless you happen to be an identical twin, an exact replica of yourself.

Have you ever pondered the thought that there is NO ONE else like us? Somehow I've always figured the person(s) telling me was just trying to bullshit me and make me feel better and special. Heck, some days it worked but usually it bugged me, because I could never fathom that there not could be someone else like me out there. There just has to be with the billions upon billions of people out there...There has got to be some one pretty damn close in likeness to me. Perhaps not in looks per se, but certainly in personality and thought, talents, giftings and attitude.

But let's just say there is NO ONE else like me out there, then the world is a pretty lucky place. To have two or more of me would be pretty scary.

I know I very, very rarely get the 'have I met you before?' statement like my husband, Michael. But I guess that really isn't saying very much.

So, to whom do I owe my life to? Being a christian believer, the answer would be expected to be god, of course. And that could be one of my answers but it seems there is more to it than just god. The whole god/jesus/son/holy spirit thing is really quite confusing and over rated in my simplistic and humble opininion. But what's to expect when it is coming from a very human perspective. I don't think...god...would be offended by my saying that, but I'm really not sure. But jesus is the real principle behind what I believe and how I choose to live my life out. Jesus I believe was holy and was given a place in history that could never be repeated. So, perhaps I am a heretic for believing only in jesus' existence and not really understanding god and the holy spirit thing, but I think that is the beauty of choice. We are given a choice to question, try to understand and figure out this spiritual side of our lives that really has no tangible foundation other than the life of jesus. Unless you take in the consideration of other christians. Oh, but that just cannot do. They(we) can be just too full of ourselves to be taken seriously. No wonder christian is such a dirty word...And so many Christians wonder why...DUH!

I believe there is and never will be another jesus in the history of the world. But that doesn't mean there could not be another me out there, created just as unique as I supposably am. I'd say I'm not as unique as I would seflishly like to believe. None of us really are. But that's just me talking from the side of my mouth.

So, to whom do you owe your life to?

Food Photos...by kim

I love food and I really enjoy taking photos of what I'm about to eat or making. It helps me to remember what I may have eaten and where.

Also, I'm afraid, as I get older, that I'll forget the foods I have eaten. And since food is so essential to my life, well, I'd rather not forget if I can help it.

Michael thinks it funny to photograph our dishes but he puts up with my antics.

Lucky for me!

The Faces Of Children...

Aaahh, there is nothing like a face of a child to make my heart melt, put a smile on my face and lift my spirits.

I thank god for the life of children of all ages. I am in awe of them when I watch how they explore the world, explore their own environment, taste, see, squeal, talk, laugh, take for granted every little thing, learn, grow, and set out on their own.

The human life is truly a miracle. But even more so when we are able to observe the human progression from infant to old age. And better understand what makes us tick, how we are all impressionable at various ages, how we struggle for autonomy and then back to wanting support.

I love to hear the stories of people and where they came from, where did their choices take them, and how they felt at those various stages in life. I also love to hear their hearts when trying to make life decisions or strive to understand their process as they struggle to make life decisions. I am amazed how and what we all go through to make simple decision let alone huge, huge decisions. And what will then come from those decisions. I love to hear old stories of people's families, their grandparents, their parents, siblings and what they thought were the most interesting parts of their own lives. I think it is wonderful how every one has a story of their own. It is unique, it is definitely personal, and yet at some point is a treat to hear about.

I can not wait to see these amazing and beautiful kids in person and watch what god does with each of them in their lives.

Each smile makes me want to smother them with kisses, kindness and love.

These faces and so many more tug at my heart strings and help remind me what my purpose in life is. To help these children and many more have a better life by getting my hands dirty along side them.

I dream of children almost nightly. I dream about a life of goodness and prosperity for each and every child I have laid eyes on, and for those I have yet to see.

I pray often for a child or two or more to not give up on life, so they can know there is more to life than what they are experiencing.

The faces and lives of these children are priceless.

And I Wonder...

There are so many people that I know who are depressed or struggle with depression.

I am one of those persons who has had to get on a mild anti-depressant in order to help correct my brain chemistry. I must say, the medication is helping greatly in this area as well as with my migraines that I also struggle with. So, I have been able to kill two birds with one stone so to speak.

I am one of those who always felt (and been told) that one was weak if one had to go on meds for psycho stuff. I was always afraid to believe that I was not a strong person and that I could be thought of as crazy. Unfortunately, it is a universal stigma, but it has begun to be less of one as the years go by and more and more folks are struggling with brain diseases.

Mental illness is a rampant evil among the homeless. And what a horrible disease for them it is. There is just not enough funding to help the homeless, to help the parents of a teen or to help a family with a parent afflicted with mental illness.

Unfortunately, it would take some one, in a higher government position, who has a family member, who has mental illness, before any attention or money would be affective with the growing rate of psychological and psychotic illnesses.

It is always the children, the poor, the ill, the old who suffer the most in the world because they are the most vulnerable and the least able to fight for themselves.

What the hell is matter with our country, our pharmaceutical companies, our well-to-do neighbors and government-held seatings that are not doing all that they can for the most vulnerable? Unfortunately, it won't ever be high on any agenda, as long as those in power whose family members or themselves are not vulnerable and/or in need of such assistance by their own government.

And I wonder... What will I do to help make a difference in this arena?

People's Lives...

I've been looking forward to the holidays on one hand, yet dreading it on the other.

The holidays are my most favorite time of year. Actually, Winter is my most favorite time of year. I just love the quietness of the world, the nakedness of the trees, the sound of all that rain, the cold, cold air and bundling up with blankets and a good book.

But this holiday season there is a burden of helplessness that I have been having since the Hurricanes, the unnecessary and ongoing war that we are still a part of and the continued realization of so many who go without every day.

But this season brings up the close to home thing - those who have suffered due to Katrina and Wilma and they are mostly those who have little or no money or possessions.

I pray that these families will be able to find some joy and peace in their lives as they continue to struggle to return to the normality of their lives, and get through this holiday season. I pray that money, materials, jobs and resources continue to come their way in order to find a way to return to some sense of normalcy. And that many are able to find a place to celebrate the holidays with other folks or families, and hope that they are glad to be alive.

I just wish I had gads of money that I would not have to worry how much I spent on those who need it. I so wish I could be the fairy god-mother who waves her wand and all the things, the resources, the food, the medication, the housing, the toys, the shelter these folks could ever need would be given unto them freely.

I wish I could be the one who would stop the war right now and let all the men and women soldiers return to their respective homeland and just be with family and friends. Perhaps to celebrate whatever could be worth celebrating after seeing so much death and destruction.

It is people's lives that I hold so compassionately within me. It is people's lives whom I know nothing of them. It is people's lives that show me how I am truly fortunate in so many, many ways.

It is people's lives who are caught between countries at war and an earthquake aftermath in which they must sustain a harsh upcoming winter.

It is people's lives we must never forget and take for granted the things that we are given and the lives that we are so fortunate to lead.

The holidays are always about giving... Remembering others in need... Sharing what one has oodles of... And trying not to feel guilty for what we do have.

But ultimately, we must understand and place ourselves in the shoes of others so that we may be able to live humbly and without ignorance.

How Lucky Are We...

I know I have nothing to complain about in life. Though I know there are days that I find fault in something and wonder why. And then I snap out of it and laugh at my own absurdity!

But then I am always reminded of how fortunate, lucky and wealthy Michael and I are in comparison to so many who strive just to make it through one day, and the next and the next.

One of the American Dream is to own one's home. Which is a homestead, piece of land with a building in place, an abode, a castle, the dream home, the place where one sets roots and traditions, etc.

For many in the American Dream, we are able to 'shop' for this new place we will call home. But in our case, that did not happen and I suppose, in my own selfish ways, wish that is the one thing we had been able to do. But it didn't and I should just shush about it all righty!

We were very fortunate to have been able to rent the home, we now own, two years prior to finally being able to purchase it from the brother and sister who owned it.
The mind set of renting and owning are just so different. When the paperwork went through that said we were now proud owners of 1079 Sierra Vista Way, all I could think of was this is going to be a money pit and we didn't get to go shopping...wah, wah, wah...

It's been over a year since we've owned it and all the money in the world to call it our own. But when you look at the various properties for sale, the price of homes, and the little land included, I have nothing to complain about.

We sit on a third of an acre, albeit next to Hwy 99, but are only three blocks from Bidwell Park at One Mile, and near downtown and the freeway. So, it's all good.

And indeed it is. We are currently in the process of refinancing so that we can pay off debt and have some things done to the house like new windows and hopefully a real A/C system. Obviously it will add to the value of the home if/when we should ever try to sell it.

So far the house has gone up in value quite a bit. We paid 259.5 and it is valued at 320. So the math is good. Hopefully when we decide to sell, the market will still be good and the house will be worth soooo much more. But one never knows...

And the other thing we are in the early stages of choosing paint colors for the living room, looking to put crown molding on the wall and possibly encase the fireplace. So far this is the only room we are revamping at this time. I hope to do more soon after the living room is done.

So all in all there is definitely nothing to complain about but life just wouldn't be interesting enough if I didn't complain a little bit, right?!

So when the living room gets done, I will be sure to have photos posted.

I'm A Little Bummed...photos by kim

I have one photo in the digital camera that apparently has an error. It was a photo of a shadowed bicycle. I'm bummed. It looked like it turned out fine on the camera but when I went to download it it gave me an error and would not load it. I wonder how I can get it out of the camera. I guess I'll have to ask my techie hubby, Michael. Hopefully he will know how. He usually does...

And then there are those photos that you wished had turned out better than you had envisioned. But it didn't and one just has to say, "Oh well!". Better luck next time...

Different Eyes...photos by kim

I just love how everyone has a different eye for photography. There are so many talented photographers out there showing their stuff online and at craft fairs that it's a bit scary to me to even put out my photos for folks to peruse, let alone buy from me. Yikes!!

Our friend Don found a site online, http://photo.net/, that allows for photographers to show their works as well as be critiqued. I look at some of those photos and say, "No way, Jose!" Although I realize it would be a great experience to have others critique, particularly those who are more experienced and professionals, to look at your body of work and help you(me) to do better each time I take a new batch of photos.

So, I'm thinking about putting in a few photos just to see how I do.

It should be interesting.

I really look forward to our trips to Kenya and Vietnam so that I can take photos of these amazing places and people. So, hopefully by that time I will have vastly improved in my technique and eye for the unusual.

Thank Goodness For The Four Seasons...photos by kim

Though I would like to be living in Portland, Oregon or in Washington State, there is something about the seasons in Chico. We usually get all four of them and are typically able to enjoy all four of the seasons each year. But like anything, there may be changes in the weather pattern so some years we may skip Spring altogether and rush right in to Summer, which sucks. Or we may have a mild Winter and a long Spring. One just never knows. But typically we are fortunate to at least have a taste of all four seasons.

And since digital cameras are all the rage, and downloading them is immediate, it's silly not to be using it and enjoying what we do have in Chico. It's always easier to stay cooped up in one's house but then we can miss a lot of nature's floral and fauna that is contained in just Chico alone.

So, as you can see I am enjoying today's latest technology, as well as enjoying yet again a season of Chico.

So Much...photos by kim

I was only at One Mile the entire time I was shooting photos. There was so much to shoot in just that part of the park alone. I barely covered maybe a sixteenth of Bidwell Park!

Which is so amazing to think about how much land was held as open space for folks from all over to enjoy. And I am one of the lucky ones. I look forward to tracking other parts of the park and seeing what kind of goodies that I will see through the view finder.

There is so much out there to see that I often wonder what it would be like to be blind. I know Helen Keller and many more lived and continue to live such amazing and productive lives. But I wonder some times if I would be able recall such beauty before having gone blind. It seems like I would but then other senses would be highly enhanced due to the loss of one of the senses. So I wonder how I would do. Just a thought...